Odds and Ends for Today

I have a few minutes, so I figured I would say a few things on what I've read this morning.

1. Jon Voight runs backwards to keep in shape. Does anyone find this fucking insane? Jon Voight is 70 years old. Most high school teenagers can't run backwards in gym class, let alone an old man. One slip and he needs a knew hip. Also why aren't there any pictures of him doing this yet? If you have any please send them my way.

2. Evan Rachel Wood is a wild cat in the bedroom. Reports say that while dating Ed Norton she repeatedly asked him to "Donkey Punch" her. I don't know why people are upset. I think her and this story are awesome. There aren't enough woman like this in Hollywood. Did i mention that she was 18 and he was 36 at the time? Did I also mention that she also dated Marilyn Manson? Who the fuck knows what crazy shit she did with him. ERW, my new masturbation fantasy.

3. Drinkers are better in the bedroom. Well this is great for everyone at MWP! We love the booze and the va-jay, so this is puts us in a great place. The study says people who drink consistently have a lesser chance of experiencing erectile dysfunction in bed. I knew it, I knew it, today is a good day.

Happy Anniversary Heath!!!!!!!!!

I was too busy yesterday to get it up, but now I have a few minutes. Heath this one is for you ...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, one year ago you were found ice cold wearing nothing but your birthday suit. And all of us here at MWP want to say it's been a year and it's about time people start to move on with there lives. First off I want to say there is an open apartment on the upper east side. It's just 26,000 dollars a month, for the gorgeous 3 bedroom spread. For some reason this SOHO apartment has been on the market for a year now, and I think it's about time that all you wealthy crazy's get moving on this prime real estate. Not only do you get to show your friends your magnificent new home, but you can show them how you sleep every night in the same room that the Joker ODed in. Until Jack Nicholson goes, that's something your apartment has that no other in the world can offer.


I'M NOT JOKING, THIS PLACE IS A STEAL!

Cooper's Voice

Here are Coop's picks in a category that few seldom think about. What cartoon characters would I like to sleep with. The funny thing is that A) he has a girlfriend, and B) he's not Asian. Figure that?

5^th place- April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- I will admit that it is kind of a nostalgia pic but whatever. That yellow jumpsuit that she wore was pretty hot. By the way, have you ever seen a reporter wear a skin tight yellow leather jumpsuit? I am pretty sure that’s not how you become a legitimate journalist. I never saw Barbara Walters slut it up like that back in the day.

SIDENOTE: I always thought that there was a weird sexual tension between her and Michelangelo. Anyone else think they hooked up a couple of times off camera?

4^th place- Cartman’s mom from south park. Its just that I think she knows things from all her experience and will be down with “the weird stuff” that I like. She probably doesn’t have any safe words either. Don’t judge me.

3^rd place-Little mermaid- Although I have a standard no-red-head rule ever since a red headed chick tried to rape me in a female bathroom stall sophomore year of college, I think this one is OK. Not the mermaid version tho. Only the version of her with legs. It gave that priest in the movie a boner so I don’t know why I would be any different. I could make an obvious mermaid/fish smell/vag choke here but I am too classy for that.

2^{nd place}- The chick from Aladdin is pretty smoking too. But I think I am attracted more to her money than anything else. Its kinda how I think Paris Hilton is OK, but I LOVE her because of the future wealth she offers me if I knock her up.

1^st place- I think that goes to Jessica rabbit. Such a woman could not exist anatomically in the real world, plus she is obviously not picky because she would even bang a rabbit. Hot chick with low standards= my type of gal. She is the prize

Cooper's Voice - Why I Hate Kurt Warner

1- HIS WIFE- Doesn’t Mr. Warner know the rules of NFL football? He could totally do a lot better than her. If you are an NFL player you need a trophy wife and this chick is busted. I know that at one point he was bagging groceries and, therefore, probably didn’t have supermodels knocking down his door (I don’t think the creepy kid with bad acne that bags my groceries crushes @ss either) but that’s all in the past. Once he got on the Rams there was no excuse for him to drop that short-haired loser and upgrade to a girl that loves him JUST for his money. Don’t give me the whole “she was with him in the hard times argument”. That stuff only happens in the movies and movies are ridiculous. For instance, Richard Gere would never fall in love with a hooker. It just wouldn’t happen. I didn’t make the rules, Kurt but I would sure follow them. Class it up and get Blondie, shallow girl with an eating disorder already.

SIDENOTE: I think that she looks like Alice from the Brady Bunch.






















2- HE PREVENTS MATT LEINERT FROM SEEING THE FIELD- What I like about Leinart is that he doesn’t view football as his PROFESSION, but rather just an avenue to rail college chicks in Cabo. Leinart knocks up and subsequently ruins women’s hoops careers, tags socialites, and parties with coeds on spring break during the off season. During the offseason, Kurt Warner probably does queer things like playing “UNO” or “Candy Land” with his loser kids. I don’t know anything about Kurt Warner’s kids really, but I am CONFIDENT that they are losers and get made fun of at school. Even the kids in wheelchairs probably beat them up and steal their lunch money. But, anyway, I just want to see more Leinert on the field because that means he will hook up with more celebrity chicks and Warner prevents that. What a cookie-cutter loser.

















3- HE HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT AS HIS WIFE- What is this all about? This is even worse than couples who wear matching t-shirts and turtlenecks. What else do they do to match? I bet they even have matching pubic styles. Just creepy.

4- THE WHOLE BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN THING- Listen, I don’t hate on religious people. Everyone is entitled to their faith. I for one worship 1993 Phillies team and sacrifice a goat to appease them every year on the anniversary of Joe Carter’s home run, but that’s just me. But when Warner won the Superbowl trophy he just yelled “thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus!” as soon as they gave him a microphone. Say something cool like “bring on the hookers!” or “who’s got the blow?!” Anything is better than “thank you Jesus”. Also, he calls himself a “born again” Christian. Don’t you have to do a bunch of bad stuff before you can become a “born again” Christian? Everyone I have ever heard about being a born again Christian was someone who was a drug addict or a prostitute or something. Warner never did anything like that. He missed out on all the fun stuff. That’s like skipping the drinking and going straight to the hangover.




GOD I HATE KURT WARNER

Wow. I mean really wow. Today I read a story on CNN.com that blew my mind worse than a pron star blows your .... you get the idea. Usually I'm a reader of the Onion.com, but as of late, CNN has been so great that I really can't tell the two apart. With stories like this one I visit CNN before I even go to the Onion. The stories are twice as funny when you know they are true, and this one takes the cake.

Apparently a California man attempted to sell his 14 year old daughter to an 18 year old man through a third party. Then when the man didn't pay up, the girl's father called the police to tell them that the man didn't pay up. Well that wasn't a very good idea was it? If you're a father looking for some extra cash as well as free time and want to sell your child, I can tell you what the going rate for a 14 year old girl is these days. For the ability to walk around his house naked and masturbate constantly to Internet porn without having to pick up his daughter from school, he was to receive $16,000, 150 cases of beer, 150 cases of soda and Gatorade, and several cases of wine and meat. Does anyone think that's a pretty specific list? I mean how did the negotiations go while they were trying to nail this deal down? "I'll give you 100 cases of beer .... No way! Make it 150 and some meat and then you have a deal." This story has to just blow your mind. To sell your daughter is one thing, but to map out demands as nuts as these is another. But then again maybe the guy is playing it smart. With these demands he can use that in his temporarily insanity plea in court.

But the more I'm writing I'm starting to think this isn't that bad of a deal. I mean we all know what pain in the asses 14 year old girls are. And we all know how sweet 16 grand, a shit load of beer and meat is. I bet this dude was planning a monster bash at his new man cave. The teenager is gone, he's got a shit ton of beer and food, why not throw a sweet ass par-tay? This dude might have it more together than any of us think. He might really be on to something. It's like the first time everyone went nuts about the idea of a black people having their own television station (BET). 40 years ago it was something that people didn't think about and much more so, not even talked about. 50 years from now we'll be calling this man a pioneer. I'm not surprised that there are not Internet sales sites for teenagers all across the web by now. This is an untapped resource.

I'm building a page as we speak - www.youneedateen.com

Things Less Gay Than Brody Jenner’s Show Bromance

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January 6th, 2009 by NextRound

We were recently made aware of the new MTV reality show Bromance, which stars reality regular and undeniable waste-of-space, Brody Jenner. In case you’re unaware — which hopefully you are — Bromance is pretty much The Bachelor, except instead of a bunch of chicks fighting for one dude, a bunch of dudes fight for one dude. The winner is to be rewarded with a spot in Jenner’s entourage (and a lifetime of humiliation).

While we can maybe see this idea seeming funny at inception, there’s just no way to get around the gayness. That this show even exists is truly a testament to how dumb MTV thinks its audience is.

On our NR Group, Team Cool & Tough initially tried to come up with a list of things that were gayer than this show, which proved to be almost impossible (you can only list “butt sex” and “eating pizza off another dude’s back” so many times). So instead we decided to come up with a list of Things Less Gay Than Brody Jenner’s Show, Bromance. It was much easier.

• Gatsby Hats
• Dry Weddings
• Unicycles
• Sean Penn’s character in Milk
• Talking to a naked dude at the gym. While you’re also naked.
• Johnny Cakes
• Zac Efron
• Ferragamo Loafers
• Bragging about your credit score
• Neverland Ranch
• Parasailing
• The color “Magenta”
• Saving yourself for marriage
• Crying
• Spin Class
• The basement scene in Pulp Fiction
• Track Lighting
• This Picture
• Kittens
• High School Wrestling
• Seeing Twilight with another dude
• Turtlenecks
• Declining a BJ
• Ellen Degeneres
• What the Marines refer to as “Bottoming Out”
• Wii Fit
• Gerble farms
• Booth’s DVR Playlist
• Capris for Men
• Will & Grace Reruns
• Noticing someone wearing a black belt and brown shoes
• Monogamy
• The Iron Lotus
• Starting a website called DudeAlert
• Pogo Sticks
• Walking on the treadmill at a high incline
• A Devil’s Threesome
• Sweatervests
• Refusing to take a dump at work
• Being able to Shag
• Taking a cab home
• Going Green
• Saying you can eat 70 nuggets and then only eating 35

Thanks to Team C&T for the input.

The police report from Charles Barkley's DUI arrest was released, and it’s not hyperbole to say that this will only add to the legacy of Sir Charles.

According to the officer who wrote the report, “He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat.”

The officer continues: “He asked me to admit that she was ‘hot.’ He asked me, ‘You want the truth?’ When I told him I did he said, ‘I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a ‘blow job’ one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.”

So everyone knows that blowjobs are the fountain of youth. There’s nothing else on Earth that will make a 45-year-old man giddy like a 16-year-old boy. Honestly if I had the choice between theEagles winning the Super Bowl and getting the best blowjob of my life… let’s just say I’d probably run that stop sign too.

From the Archives

I found this other day when I spent a hot minute on myspace. Does anyone other than petter-asses use that site these days? Anyway, I found this on my blog on there, and thought it was kind of funny, so here it is from the archives of America's Detour .....

Well something happened. Something that will turn this crazy world we all know upside down. Something more shocking than finding a dead Australian born actor in a bed naked, OD'ed on sleeping pills and pain killers. Oh yeah, if you didn't know, Heath Ledger is like JFK dead. Dead Dead. Anyways, I don't know if everyone heard the news, I did because I'm on her mailing list and I'm recording secretary of her fan club, but the one and only Jenna Jameson is PREGNANT! With a real human kid, no donkey human hybrid. So when I found out it really got the thoughts spinning in my head like lottery balls. (Balls in or around my head and face is not cool now that I think about it.) How the fuck did this happen? One would think that her vaginal cavity is as baron as the fucking Sudan. I thought you would have a better chance trying to grow a God damn dandelion out there, than sperm finding its way to what I thought were something that resembled Easter Eggs found sometime in late May. And then you have to take into account the actual size of that region. Any woman outside of the porn industry and say my girlfriends should have a birth canal that would resemble say, a Dixie cup. So I feel that Tito's sperm (Oh she is dating Tito Ortiz the Ultimate Fighter. And I don't know about you but can you say Learning Disabilities for this little shit?) Would have to search like Indiana Jones to find an egg to latch onto. By the way, didn't everyone think she had AIDS the way she has been losing weight and quitting porn? (no one quits porn, you're just told to leave) I had her in my AIDS pool at work actually. Why would Tito want to be in that disease ridden zone without at least wearing a box of rubbers or a one piece latex body suit? Think of the amount of nut that has been in that woman? I mean think about it. I'm thinking a backyard swimming pool, with a mother fucking deep end. I mean I know in porn dudes pull out and do there biz all over the room, so with that in mind, now think about it. This is going to be one rich ass kid though. Jenna makes some where in the vicinity of 30 mill a year. So this kid is going to have all the golden dildo teething toys he can handle. And if it's a girl, boy does she have the career to strive for. By the way, I'm thinking its going to be hard to keep this little coke induced fetus in her uterus for nine months. I'm thinking some time around the 5^th month this fucker might just fall right out while Jenna's at the grocery store or at bridge club. A) Tito Jr. is wet and slimy and B) Jenna could hide a football helmet in an empty room naked. It's gravity folks, I didn't invent it, Newton did. So lastly can anyone say Prego-Porn? Because I can't think of any other way this Kid could be more fucked

Prego-Porn, Prego Porn, Prego-Porn (say it 3 times fast)

Seacrest out

Yankee's Baseball = By the Numbers

Does anyone else really hope the Yankees don't even make the playoffs next year?

• Did you know that A-Rod (28 million), CC Sabathia (23 million), Teixeira (22.5 million) and Jeter (21.6 million), will each by themselves make more money than the Florida Marlins entire team did 2008?

• If their team plane crashed, sorting out all those wills and where all that money is going to go will probably take a really long time.
• I think New York's big 3, A-Rod, Jeter, and CC, should donate some money to help out America's big 3.
• Now with Teixeira in pinstripes, how long before Madonna drops A-Rod for him? Have you seen the man's cheek bones, come on.
• Speaking of money, did you know that according to the UN, the world's richest 1% own 40% of all the world's wealth
• Next year if you want to sit in the first 9 rows of the New Yankee Stadium, it's going to cost you 500-2,500 a game. Oh and the only way you can get those seats, is if you agree to buy season tickets for the next 4 years or longer. So you'll have to shell out some where around 810,000 dollars.
• You know those same seats at Yankee stadium in 1996 (when they were good) were $25 dollars a game?

Anyone flying Continental this holiday season?


Have Fun, huh

A Solder's Heart is Stronger than Stone

Don't Ever question the bravery of soldiers again

I have never seen that kind of courage anywhere....he deserves the highest award.

He deserves another medal!

Hasselhoff to Rock the Las Vegas Bowl

BYU's All-American wide receiver Austin Collie's dreams have come true. He gets to play in the Vegas Bowl .... again, and he gets to hear his favorite international preforming artist live! That's right, football fans and Europeans will both have their eyes focused on David Hasselhoff as he sings the national anthem before BYU and Arizona go at it. The man from Knight Rider, Baywatch, America's Got Talent, and that infamous Internet video, will be singing just for you Max. What I can't believe is how the Las Vegas Bowl got first picks on anthem singers? Now the Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, and the BCS National Championship Game will have to play second fiddle, because the "Hoff" only has time to sing the National Anthem just once. He has to head back to Germany, the land where he reigns king, as soon as Bronco's applause goes silent. If you watch TRL like all the crazy kids in your neighborhood, you already know the Hoff's latest hit. Jump In My Car. Now that is entertainment. But that comes in a distant second to David's greatest video of all time. You know which one, the one where he's drunk, topless and eating food off the floor. The best part about that video is that you can see it reenacted by puppets here.

So on December 20th, Max Hall and Austin Collie might think they are the biggest names to showcase their talents at the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl, but they have another thing coming. And that thing is superstar David "the Hoff" Hasselhoff. Step aside mortal men, you're about to have your minds blown by the vocal talents from a man that was made famous by talking to his car.

Strange Morning

I ate breakfast with my soccer team this morning at IHOP. Great time was had by all. The game started at 8, so the best idea was for all of us to drink mimosas on the bench during the game. So long story short, we dominated the other team like a million to 2 or something. I'm making this quick because i have to go buy a new phone today. (It won't stop vibrating, that's what she said) So we all get to IHOP and a member of the team is sitting outside and not with the team. He's a good guy, so I'm thinking he needs some fresh air. I find out that he was outside because he didn't want to be in the dining area because there was a lady making balloon animals. He's scared of balloons. Scared of balloons to the point that he can't even be in the same room as them. I will have much more on this later. I think this has peaked my imagination. Next blog will be about unusual phobias.

Random College Story Part 2

So where we left off, our female lead flung herself out the second story window of my house and proceeded to run away. Well just when I thought that things were over and calm, and i could finally get back to what was important. Playing beer pong. We soon saw flashing lights outside, and the feeling that this can't be good came over us. Why you ask? Well for several reasons.

1. 2 Underage kids passed out throwing up pretty much the world
2. Our roommates little "crops" growing in our attic
3. A drunk woman was accusing my roommate of beating her

So we really had no need to worry with the cops and an ambulance outside. So me and Brian go outside to talk things out. Why us? Because I'm a brocat that loves to talk and he's my muscle. now the EMT's were cool. Together we shined the light from their ambulance onto the siding of our house. One of them said, "See you can see right were her feet were kicking before she dropped." The cop wasn't as cool. He for some reason said he wanted to look through our house to make sure that she wasn't in there and we were keeping her against her will. (Like we would do such a thing) So on that note, Brian sprints into the house to hide all 7 of our plants. Leaving me standing there with my thumb up my ass and a look on my face that resembled that of Paris Hilton's when asked about global warming. "I bet he's just going to clean up a bit for you." So we walk through the house, as the cop steps over trash in one of the worst houses in the state. Side note: I was once laying in bed, my cot in the dining room, and pushed on the wall and my entire arm went straight through to the family room.) All of these are pluses for us actually. Because he didn't want to be in that place any longer than a hot minute. He went in the family room looked in a circle and said, "Good enough for me."

COOPER'S VOICE

Boxers or Briefs? Paper or Plastic? Mary Kate or Ashley? All of these are tough questions but here is the most difficult question of all time: THE BEATLES OR THE ROLLING STONES? Tough question because the Beatles pretty much started the rock and roll revolution, however, the stones may have perfected it.

One thing about the Beatles: They started out wearing suits and sang harmless songs like “she loves me yea yea” and girls were their primary fan base. They were essentially the original boy band. However, they gained credibility throughout the years. That’s like the Backstreet Boys somehow morphing into Led Zeppelin. That’s incredibly hard to do.
ADVANTAGE BEATLES

ROCK AND ROLL LIFESTYLE: I will have to give it to the stones. Keith Richards has done enough coke to kill entire nations of people, yet somehow still goes strong. Granted he looks like a morph between a bulimic chick and my left nut (wrinkles) but still he is ALIVE and that alone is amazing. The Beatles did drugs too, but they all stopped years ago and 50 percent of the band is still dead.
ADVANTAGE STONES

Lead singers: Jagger vs Lennon. (I realize that the Beatles kind of had numerous lead singers but I think we all think of Lennon as the front man) This is relatively easy. Lennon had Yoko Ono who pretty much destroyed the band and was a weird looking chick. Mick Jagger had super-model Jerry Hall and was still hooking up with all kinds of girls on the side. Jerry Hall just put up with it because “he was a rock star”. Awesome. Now there is the rumor that Jagger and slept with David Bowie. Now, no one knows if that is true, but if it were a proven fact, Jagger would fall in the dude ranks fast. But him and Richards did have their fair share of ladies.
ADVANTAGE STONES

GUITAR PLAYERS: Richards vs Harrison. George Harrison got really into the Hindu religion and stopped partying. Before that he was just 18 when the Beatles were huge. He was banned from several towns throughout Europe because he and Paul kept setting their hotel rooms on fire. So he did start out cool. Richards still gets wasted and falls out of coconut trees in Fiji and he is in his 70’s. Also, last time I checked Johnny Depp based Captain Jack Sparrow on Keith Richards, not George Harrison. Pirates are awesome and if George Harrison couldn’t be a pirate I don’t like him. Finally, “Beast of Burden” has a much manlier guitar riff than “Here comes the sun”. ADVANTAGE STONES.
CHAMPION=STONES