nfl fears players will kill dogs for super powers after vick's performance

(new york) - nfl commissioner Roger Goodell has a crisis of near monumental proportions on his hands at this hour.  after philadelphia eagle mike vick showcased one of the greatest performances in nfl history, news has spread around the league of his super powers and where they derive from.  vick, a convicted dog fighter, has become the talk of the nfl this season after being named the starter, then the back-up, then the starter, next a back up, and then starter this season.  after head coach andy reid grew tired of switching qb's in the same manor as a cat does with a ball of yarn, vick has shown extreme skill and awareness since sealing the starting spot. it's as though he has something no other player in the nfl possesses.  since his release from prison, vick has shown an increase in agility, quickness, strength, speed and smell.  "you think he's jaw dropping on the football field? you should see my man chase down a frisbee", said philadelphia eagle wide receiver desean jackson.  after hearing such a quote, this journalist put the pieces together and headed for some answers.  it took only one simple question to uncover a truth that could put k9's in danger for at least the rest of the nfl regular season.

mwp - "mr. vick, do you think your performance on the field this season has anything to do with your dog fighting past?" 
vick - "when you kill a dog you not only inherit their soul, but you also inherit their power and essence as a being."

can you believe that?  mike vick used the word inherit twice in a single sentence.  after torturing and killing a dog, a person must also "inherit" a dog's intellect as well.   

i dug deeper.  "so you're admitting that your amazing play this past monday night is some how related to killing dogs?"  "oh without a doubt.  and the best part is that super powers brought on by killing dogs are not banned substances according to the nfl."

after my article with vick was published in the world renowned horse and hound, new spread throughout the nfl quickly about where vick's talent derived from.  players from san fransisco to miami flocked to their local pounds to acquire dogs, or should i say talent.  commissioner goodell has been quoted, "we are on the verge of one of the largest epidemics this nation has ever seen."  people around the country have been told to keep their dogs indoors and to keep their distance from anyone who appears to be able to run fast and lift large amounts of weight.  further details have not yet been disclosed at this time, but we will keep you up to date with new developments as they happen

-mammals with pants