Greg Giraldo

I loved Giraldo, no joking around. (that is kind of funny when you say something like that and you're writing about a comedian. huh?)  He was truly a very funny funny cat that had the rare gift of combining vulgar and grossly inappropriate jokes with extreme intellect.  Harvard intellect (Giraldo graduated from Harvard Law School). It's a lot harder to do then you would think.  Any fat slob can tell a dirty joke for God's sake, look at Artie Lange.  But to push the envelope to where you make everyone feel unbelievably uncomfortable, yet the entire audience has to appreciate the context of the joke is solid fucking gold.  Giraldo did that to a "T".

The best thing about Giraldo was that he was a comics comic.  Loved by the most respected men in the game.  Here's where I get angry.  Larry the Cable Guy is still around and making millions.  He's about as deep as a shot glass.  It always happens this way though, we lose the great ones and we think about what they could have done if they had stuck around.  Mitch Hedburg, Chris Farley, Belushi, Candy, and so on.  We're left wondering what unreal material these guys could have produced as we are forced to watch Carrot-top press on each and everyday like an unflappable Confederate front line.

Below is Geraldo insulting and outsmarting a so called better comedian Dennis Leary.  It's one of the many times Greg made dumb fucking Americans say, "who is this funny guy insulting one of the great comedians of our time?"  Well that "guy" IS one of the great comedians of our time.  Or should I say was.  RIP good sir.

Best Picture Ever?

Define Ironic: Coke Whore arrested for being ... well, a Coke Whore

Well , well, well, looky at what we got here.  Last night everyone's favorite inflatable sex toy with a heartbeat got arrested for possession of a little sniff sniff.

according to People:
Paris Hilton was arrested Friday night in Las Vegas for possession of a controlled substance after cocaine was found in her purse, a police spokesman says.  Hilton, 29, was arrested shortly before midnight on Las Vegas Boulevard after police pulled over a vehicle that Hilton was in. The hotel heiress was not driving.

 (exhibit 1)

Shouldn't this hole be arrested on site for possession?  Look at that face and body.  If it doesn't scream "coke whore" the same way the sight of Rex Ryan screams cardiac arrest, just call me Miles Davis.  Figuring out if this butter-face (is that two words or one?) is a rich cunt or a high class hooker who will steal all your blow is tougher than than finding a straight women on a roller derby team.  

But as Nicholson said in the Departed, "when you're staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, what's the difference?"  

Or was that barrel just a rolled up hundred?

Cooper's Voice - Greatest Dude Presidents

According to a CNN poll done by ... well CNN, Abraham Lincoln is the greatest President of all time. I have always had a soft spot for Honest Abe, being how he was tall and gangly much like myself. I even dressed up like him for Halloween last year. Some say its hard to make tuxedos, bow ties, giant fake moles and top hats look good, but I believe I was the sexiest man to ever rock the outfit. Nonetheless, I have a few honorable mentions that I think should be brought up in my favorite presidents list.

1.) James Buchanan (AKA Jimmy Buchs)- This guy was named our nation’s WORST president simply because he watched helplessly as the nation lurched toward civil war in the 1850s. But I'm not to concerned with things like that. This guy was cool for two reasons (1) he was from Pennsylvania like yours truly and (2) He is the only single male to ever hold office. Are we really surprised that he didn’t do a great job? He was to busy crushing ass in the oval office to worry about silly things like politics and war. Through 1857-1861, I am willing to bet that the White House looked more like Hugh Hefner’s playboy mansion grotto than a place where executive orders were dished out.  Jimmy Buchs, you my friend are a true American.  You used your power and status for personal gain (sex) over the well being of your fellow man AKA the nation.  We salute you sir.

2.) Bill Clinton- Bill Clinton was THE man. If you don’t like him its simple: YOU HATE MAKING MONEY AND YOU'RE PROBABLY AN UGLY WOMAN. Cigars in ladies no-no spots, stained dresses, and redefining the word “sex” in the American psyche. You can’t touch that. Plus, he got away with ALL of it, including making everyone believe he didn't "inhale".  You gotta respect that.  The only thing that goes against Bill is that Hillary kinda sucks and was always over his shoulder. I feel as though if I hung out with him I would constantly be lying for him so that he wouldn’t get yelled at by the wife. Nonetheless, he still partied pretty hard.

3.) JFK- This is really a no brainer. He solved the Cuban missile crisis, started getting dudes on the moon, and did all kinds of other cool stuff that I would know more about if I read books. However, what makes him so solid is that he was one of the few presidents to use his celebrity status to hang out with Hollywood types. He drank with Sinatra and the rest of the rat pack for Christ's sake. But his biggest accomplishment would be banging Marilyn Monroe, who was the biggest sex symbol of his generation.  And when he was through with that broad, he slid her over to his baby bro. That would be like Obama nailing Megan Fox and then saying, "leave it on the dresser baby I"m done wit you." Simply because of this awesome fact, I am willing to forget the “Bay of Pigs”.

4.) William Taft- This guy is cool simply because he was so god damn fat. At 335 pounds, he weighs in as America’s fattest president. He once got caught in the white house bath tub and they had to break it to get him out. I am basically envisioning Chris Farley as the president of the United States of America when I think of Taft (minus the dead hookers and 8 balls, well we don't really know if Willy T partied like that or not) so that’s cool to me.

5.) Reagan- he was an actor before being Prez and was in a movie called “Bedtime for Bonzo” which starred a monkey. That’s right, he was SECOND bill to a monkey. He was basically the “man in the yellow hat” from the “curious george” books and somehow got enough political credibility to get in the oval office. This still blows my mind. Lets put this in perspective. That would be like Barack Obama starring in the original “Air Bud” movie and then getting to be president. That’s hard to do, so that’s why Reagan makes the list

These five men embody America in my opinion. Don’t tread on them.

The REAL Big Names are Heading to Miami

Reports have come out that MY favorite Cav .... scratch that, my favorite player in the NBA, Zydrunas Ilgauskas will be joining Lebron James and the Miami Heat.  Now my college roommates can vouch for me, that while being forced to watch endless Cavs games I repeatedly claimed Z was the deciding factor in the success of the team.  They would return with comments such as, "go fuck yourself" and "you have a huge dick".  I never understood the second part all that much, but who am I?

I guess I'm not the only one that thought Lebron couldn't win without Ilgauskas.  God damn I got it going on today!

Drunk Ernie Photo of the Week

Ern calls this the Raptor dance.  Very formal attire for Ernie I have to say.

well there's gold and there's gold:

sometimes you can't say anything at all.  you just sit back and soak it all in.  this is one of those times.




i told you.

Manute Bol - good for more than touching really high things.

Well it's a sad day for the world when some one of Manute Bol's size dies.  And I'm not talking about his physical stature, but the size of his contributions to the world through his humanitarian efforts and his overall presence.  Manute, best known for having more blocked shots than points in the NBA, fighting the Fridge in a boxing match, and playing minor league hockey.  Two of the three listings were to raise money for his native Sudan.  For being some one that seldom looks like they don't have a soul, I don't even want to say a bad thing about Manute.  (And trust me, the jokes are firing off in my head at an unbelievable pace)

Did Manute Bol create the phrase, "My Bad."?

Now it has been widely discussed, and some say most definitely.  Others say that it was around a decade before Bol started using it during his playing days in the late 80's.  All I'm saying, is that if he came up with the phrase, he just moved past Don Rickles into 7th place on my list of favorite people. 

A Lovely Piece of Crap, AKA The Lovely Bones

We all love movies.

We all love mysteries right? Mysteries that involve a murder, and a creepy murderer living among our everyday lives, played by a character actor that can pull off the performance. Mysteries that have Hollywood heavy weight Peter Jackson attached to direct and produce.
A film on the verge of great entertainment and suspense is on the brink.

Enter Mark Wahlberg.

Your new Mark Wahlberg mystery is .....

A story about a brutal murder of a 14 year old girl and a creepy neighbor that commits the crime in a cornfield. We are still on track for a very good movie, eh? Enter Marky Mark. Your film now has a father that can't believe his daughter is missing. Cue MW's dumbfounded look of confusion from The Happening. You know the one where he is trying to figure out the script, act really hard, figure out how to act really hard, and act very poorly, all at the same time. Yes that look. So now you really know and believe that this guy has lost his daughter. Remember, this is one of the worst experiences some one could ever go through, so why not use a thespian that showed the depths of Chris "Izzy" Cole in Rock Star. (only time I was slightly entertained in that movie was when the chick was peeing standing up.) Now is when things get better. Walhburg is a deep father, that bonds with his daughter through the only practice one can get the attention of a teenage girl. Building model ships in bottles. (Lord knows that's how my dad and sister spent countless hours in our basement, building something completely useless. I wasn't allowed to come down and help because I was a boy.) Well we sure know that those little bottles won't be destroyed when Walhberg acts like he, "just can't take it anymore." Mark you worked so hard on them, you lost your daughter, don't lose your dream of becoming a professional model ship in a bottle builder. Because if that happens, then she died for nothing.

• Mark Walhberg having an Oscar Nomination is worse than ... you guessed it. Having your daughter murdered by a creepy neighbor in a cornfield.

Wait, strike that reverse it. Mark Walhberg having an Oscar Nomination is worse than watching a movie starring Mark Walhberg about having your daughter murdered by a creepy neighbor in a cornfield.

Drunk Ernie Photo of the Week

I would have to say that might be one of the greatest shirts to ever wear to a bar. We did make a rule that night that sleeves were not allowed. Pretty much a gun show.

Drunken Ernie Picture of the Week

I don't want to make this one of those blogs that's written by a guy sitting with his laptop in his pajamas and between JO sessions, making posts about girls that I hate and want to kick in the face with a golf spike. I want to make this something different, and something that makes me laugh, not you. In all honesty this is for me, so fuck off. So now I'm going to include some one close to me each week. My old pal Ernie will be featured each week on the site.

Enjoy.

ruining our lives with her music is not the worst she can do

So great news for smashing pumpkins fans, and anyone that enjoys good music. But before we get to that, lets talk about something else. Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are dating? Really? Two things about that:

1. I have now lost all respect I had for Corgan.
2. I didn't think Billy Corgan was famous enough to date JC.
3. oh I'm throwing in a third one here, honestly I didn't know she was still living in the U.S.
4. I thought he had AIDS? Wait that's just the look he's going for? well that's cool.
5. Who do you think weights more?
6. How much do you think his friends make fun of him?
7. she's fat
8. Nick Lachey sure looks like an old Albert Einstein now huh?

• This brings up another interesting thought. Which family did it take longer to realize vanished off the planet?

The Ozbornes or The Simpsons?


But don't worry people of earth, this awful situation does more than just affect the fans of the Smashing Pumpkins, but all of us. News is that Simpson is in the studio helping Corgan write songs for his new album. I'm sorry? It's more true that you ever wanted it to be, click here.

Ok I can't help myself, here we go again:

1. She can write?
2. I didn't know Corgan was that desperate and had such a bad case of writers block
3. I get it, Billy needs a good laugh
4. This guy is going to ruin his credibility to fuck something that was hot 5 years ago? If you're going to do that, just bang Lindsey Lohan, at least she would just sit in the corner strung out while you worked on your songs.
5. She didn't write HER songs, so how is she going to do this?
6. Does this mean a new reality show for MTV?


Well, today now sucks ass doesn't it?

DJ AM's "New" Show, Gone Too Far

Well I was home surfing On-Demand, bored out of my mind. I don't know what I was doing in the MTV section, I think I was looking for music. Wait that couldn't have been write. Anyway I came across Gone Too Far. The show is the brainchild of the late DJ AM. Formerly Adam Goldstein, and not just formerly because he's dead, he was formerly Adam Goldstein before he died. He changed his name to DJ AM because he wanted to say "Yo, dowg, and "that's tight". And with a name like Adam Goldstein that just isn't possible. Now the show features AM going to drug addicts' homes and trying to get them to change. We are lead to believe that AM is a former drug addict. This little ruse is not as cunning as you would think. AM overdosed and died while filming the show. Does anyone think that is as funny as I do? I mean here's a guy that is trying to teach kids on drugs to not be on drugs, while they're on drugs and he's still on drugs. What is going through his head other than new beats to use at his club, when he is spitting his lies (AM lingo) Here is the best part. This is from MTV's website.

DJ AM knew all too well about the daily struggle of drug addiction. The late celebrity spinner (born Adam Goldstein), who died from an overdose in August at age 36, spent his last few months filming an MTV series called "Gone Too Far," in which he spoke candidly about his own addiction, his 11 years of sobriety and his desire to help other young addicts overcome their demons.

I believe a few things are off here. He spoke of his 11 years of sobriety? Ah, really? Because I think he was as sober as Layne Staley. Watching the videos of these kids getting high was probably like watching Sesame Street for Predators. I have another idea. Instead of making these kids go to rehab, and then looking awesome as you come for a visit. How about go with them. Check yourself in with the kids, that would be an even better show. Wait it was a show. It was called Celebrity Rehab. God tried to get rid of this show before it started with that plane crash, but now these kids are fucked. You're telling me that these drug addicts are going to stay clean, after hearing their beloved PM, sorry, AM is gone?

I think not. So overall, if you're looking for a laugh, or a boost in your self-esteem, watch Gone Too Far.

zombieland, MWP reviews

So I caught Zombieland, and here's more than just my review of the film, but the review of my evening altogether:

7:10 - show up at the theatre with a Regal gift card I found at the bottom of a drawer at my house. It has $5.50 on it. The tickets have now been bumped down to 16.50 for me and my wife. Did we just get a deal or what!! (With luck this good I might get a hand job with my jacket on my lap during the movie just like in 8th grade)

7:15 - We find out that the movie is playing on a jumbo screen. We walk into a theatre that resembles the Coliseum. There's about 17 people scattered about the theatre. This is nice for two reasons. I'm going to get to sit dead middle, right where I like to be. And the chances of a HJ have just been increased.

7:30 - Previews start, usually my favorite part of going to the talkie's. This time it isn't, as for all the trailers they are all horror films that will most definitely suck. And another thing, why are they still called trailers? The haven't been shown at the end of movies, hence their original name trailer, since like the 50's. They are previews, lets just all call them what they are. The previews all sucked, the trailers didn't suck, it was the previews that wasted my time.

Oh, some one has now sat next to me. Not right next to me, but a one seat barrier. I know most people think that is protocol, but not when a 2,000 person room has 17 people in it. Find another section, you are too close to me.

7:50 - The 7:30 movie starts. The first scenes have me, and that's not easy. I'm no slut when it comes to my opinion of movies early on. From the first 5 minutes I can tell that this movie has originality, something that doesn't really happen in Hollywood these days. This must have nothing to do with some one named Michael Bay.

8:20 - The movie has now entered a series of events that have changed my life, literally. I won't give anything away, because it's just too wonderful and you need to experience it yourself. I have now learned that if you want to make a movie, there are now no rules. When some one tells you that, "you can't do that". You tell them to watch Zombieland, because, "yes you can."

9:10 - The movie is over. Two things quickly run through my mind.
1. I loved every second of that movie, and it had no point what so ever. No plot, no nothing, and it was wonderful.

2. That movie was 80 minutes long. Why can't all movies be 80 minutes long? Why are there 2 hour specials of FUCKING Gray's Anatomy every week? This movie was gold, and finished under 90 minutes. Learn something everyone.

Overall you need to see this movie. Not because it's a movie that makes you think. That will move you to serious thought about world issues. Bring you to tears, or show you amazing special effects. Because it doesn't do a single one of those, it's just fucking entertaining.

And that's why we go to the movies isn't it?

toby keith: songwriter/artist of the decade. wait what?

http://music.rightcelebrity.com/?p=2954

Country music star Toby Keith’s songwriting skills over the last 10 years are being recognized as the Nashville Songwriters Association International voted the star as Songwriter/Artist of the Decade.

The award will be presented to Keith on October 18 during an Awards Dinner at the Renaissance Hotel in Nashville.

Tank’s Take: Wow... Country music really has no one that has talent... At least not in the years 2000-2010

Related Story:

I literally had a run in with a guy in Helena, MT when Toby Keith's name came up.

I might as well called this guy's sister a whore...

because he spewed out some of the most vile language I have ever heard.

"Toby Keith is the biggest piece of shit. No talent horse fucker."

At this point in my life I didn’t even really know who Keith was...

So I did some research. I understand that most Toby Keith's songs could have been found in a Wal-Mart Brand edition of “Red, White and Blue MadLibs...”

But I still don't know why that guy blew up at the mention of Keith's name.

Un-Related Story:

Did you know I once punched a kid in the nuts just because someone dared me to do it?

I was only 6 at the time, so you can't pull my man card...

Back to the topic:

It's true Toby Keith has some basic patriotic lyric machine in his basement...

Let's take a look -

Actual Keith lyrics from "American Soldier"...

You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,

Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,

Wolf? I thought the sign of the apocalypse is an Iphone that learns to think for itself and downloads the "kill humans" app.

And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,

I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice,

You've counted up the cost? So you mean to tell me a person who is a genius at math... just elects to "join" the army?

Oh wait, it’s a metaphor? Fuck your metaphors!

Oh, and I don't want to die for you,

But if dyin's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with an honor...

I guess we don't have to twist your arm too much... "I won't do it...no way... unless you say please that is."

Now I took these lyrics out of context, sure...

And I do like me some "As good as I once was"

(It's battling neck and neck with "A Spoonful of Sugar" as my karaoke song)

But c'mon Songwriter/Artist of the decade? Not when one of your song titles is "Jesus gets jealous of Santa Claus."

Next you'll tell me a black dude can sing country too...

Oops!