Cooper's Voice - Greatest Dude Presidents

According to a CNN poll done by ... well CNN, Abraham Lincoln is the greatest President of all time. I have always had a soft spot for Honest Abe, being how he was tall and gangly much like myself. I even dressed up like him for Halloween last year. Some say its hard to make tuxedos, bow ties, giant fake moles and top hats look good, but I believe I was the sexiest man to ever rock the outfit. Nonetheless, I have a few honorable mentions that I think should be brought up in my favorite presidents list.

1.) James Buchanan (AKA Jimmy Buchs)- This guy was named our nation’s WORST president simply because he watched helplessly as the nation lurched toward civil war in the 1850s. But I'm not to concerned with things like that. This guy was cool for two reasons (1) he was from Pennsylvania like yours truly and (2) He is the only single male to ever hold office. Are we really surprised that he didn’t do a great job? He was to busy crushing ass in the oval office to worry about silly things like politics and war. Through 1857-1861, I am willing to bet that the White House looked more like Hugh Hefner’s playboy mansion grotto than a place where executive orders were dished out.  Jimmy Buchs, you my friend are a true American.  You used your power and status for personal gain (sex) over the well being of your fellow man AKA the nation.  We salute you sir.

2.) Bill Clinton- Bill Clinton was THE man. If you don’t like him its simple: YOU HATE MAKING MONEY AND YOU'RE PROBABLY AN UGLY WOMAN. Cigars in ladies no-no spots, stained dresses, and redefining the word “sex” in the American psyche. You can’t touch that. Plus, he got away with ALL of it, including making everyone believe he didn't "inhale".  You gotta respect that.  The only thing that goes against Bill is that Hillary kinda sucks and was always over his shoulder. I feel as though if I hung out with him I would constantly be lying for him so that he wouldn’t get yelled at by the wife. Nonetheless, he still partied pretty hard.

3.) JFK- This is really a no brainer. He solved the Cuban missile crisis, started getting dudes on the moon, and did all kinds of other cool stuff that I would know more about if I read books. However, what makes him so solid is that he was one of the few presidents to use his celebrity status to hang out with Hollywood types. He drank with Sinatra and the rest of the rat pack for Christ's sake. But his biggest accomplishment would be banging Marilyn Monroe, who was the biggest sex symbol of his generation.  And when he was through with that broad, he slid her over to his baby bro. That would be like Obama nailing Megan Fox and then saying, "leave it on the dresser baby I"m done wit you." Simply because of this awesome fact, I am willing to forget the “Bay of Pigs”.

4.) William Taft- This guy is cool simply because he was so god damn fat. At 335 pounds, he weighs in as America’s fattest president. He once got caught in the white house bath tub and they had to break it to get him out. I am basically envisioning Chris Farley as the president of the United States of America when I think of Taft (minus the dead hookers and 8 balls, well we don't really know if Willy T partied like that or not) so that’s cool to me.

5.) Reagan- he was an actor before being Prez and was in a movie called “Bedtime for Bonzo” which starred a monkey. That’s right, he was SECOND bill to a monkey. He was basically the “man in the yellow hat” from the “curious george” books and somehow got enough political credibility to get in the oval office. This still blows my mind. Lets put this in perspective. That would be like Barack Obama starring in the original “Air Bud” movie and then getting to be president. That’s hard to do, so that’s why Reagan makes the list

These five men embody America in my opinion. Don’t tread on them.

Drunk Ernie Photo of the Week

Ern calls this the Raptor dance.  Very formal attire for Ernie I have to say.

Being a baggage operator at an airport is the only job you can be just "ok" at and it's perfectly fine. People get upset when they don't get their bags, but they really don't and can't do anything about it. "Your bags aren't here, we are sorry for your inconvenience." And people just have to be ok with that. I mean what really can you do? Where did the bag go? And you know that every person you talk to has no clue who actually moved your bag from point A to B. So you really are fucked. You can't go to a bank and ask for your money in your account and they say; "We don't know where it is, but we'll get it back to you when we find it."

DID HE OR DIDN'T HE?

Did Magic Johnson really have AIDS? I mean honestly, the man seems fine to me. Oh I've started off with an incorrect term. He "claimed" to have HIV, so lets start over. Did Magic Johnson really have HIV? He walks around like nothing has changed in his life. First he retires because no one in the NBA wanted him bleeding all over them. Players, Referees, Ball Boys, Cheerleaders, fans within the first 6 rows of the court. And that's understandable, I wouldn't want Magic Johnson's AIDS, I mean, HIV blood all over me. Or would I? If you think about it, it really just isn't any old HIV blood now is it? It's Magic Johnson's HIV blood. That might be worth something, huh? Or maybe it wouldn't matter because Magic Johnson HIV blood is a rare form that isn't very potent or is cured by penicillin or chicken noodle soup. Maybe he did have HIV, and cured it with Magic. I mean his name is Magic Johnson. Doesn't that make him a Magician? David Blaine could cure himself of AIDS, but I'm not too sure about David Copperfield or Chris Angel. So, a few years later, Magic comes back to the league, and the worry of flying HIV blood is no longer an issue. Did the world go mad? That shit is still in there man. Or maybe everyone in the stands had already thought what just starting to realize now. There's no threat from Magic Johnson's HIV blood, everyone had Cambell's soup at home.