From the Archives

I found this other day when I spent a hot minute on myspace. Does anyone other than petter-asses use that site these days? Anyway, I found this on my blog on there, and thought it was kind of funny, so here it is from the archives of America's Detour .....

Well something happened. Something that will turn this crazy world we all know upside down. Something more shocking than finding a dead Australian born actor in a bed naked, OD'ed on sleeping pills and pain killers. Oh yeah, if you didn't know, Heath Ledger is like JFK dead. Dead Dead. Anyways, I don't know if everyone heard the news, I did because I'm on her mailing list and I'm recording secretary of her fan club, but the one and only Jenna Jameson is PREGNANT! With a real human kid, no donkey human hybrid. So when I found out it really got the thoughts spinning in my head like lottery balls. (Balls in or around my head and face is not cool now that I think about it.) How the fuck did this happen? One would think that her vaginal cavity is as baron as the fucking Sudan. I thought you would have a better chance trying to grow a God damn dandelion out there, than sperm finding its way to what I thought were something that resembled Easter Eggs found sometime in late May. And then you have to take into account the actual size of that region. Any woman outside of the porn industry and say my girlfriends should have a birth canal that would resemble say, a Dixie cup. So I feel that Tito's sperm (Oh she is dating Tito Ortiz the Ultimate Fighter. And I don't know about you but can you say Learning Disabilities for this little shit?) Would have to search like Indiana Jones to find an egg to latch onto. By the way, didn't everyone think she had AIDS the way she has been losing weight and quitting porn? (no one quits porn, you're just told to leave) I had her in my AIDS pool at work actually. Why would Tito want to be in that disease ridden zone without at least wearing a box of rubbers or a one piece latex body suit? Think of the amount of nut that has been in that woman? I mean think about it. I'm thinking a backyard swimming pool, with a mother fucking deep end. I mean I know in porn dudes pull out and do there biz all over the room, so with that in mind, now think about it. This is going to be one rich ass kid though. Jenna makes some where in the vicinity of 30 mill a year. So this kid is going to have all the golden dildo teething toys he can handle. And if it's a girl, boy does she have the career to strive for. By the way, I'm thinking its going to be hard to keep this little coke induced fetus in her uterus for nine months. I'm thinking some time around the 5^th month this fucker might just fall right out while Jenna's at the grocery store or at bridge club. A) Tito Jr. is wet and slimy and B) Jenna could hide a football helmet in an empty room naked. It's gravity folks, I didn't invent it, Newton did. So lastly can anyone say Prego-Porn? Because I can't think of any other way this Kid could be more fucked

Prego-Porn, Prego Porn, Prego-Porn (say it 3 times fast)

Seacrest out

Yankee's Baseball = By the Numbers

Does anyone else really hope the Yankees don't even make the playoffs next year?

• Did you know that A-Rod (28 million), CC Sabathia (23 million), Teixeira (22.5 million) and Jeter (21.6 million), will each by themselves make more money than the Florida Marlins entire team did 2008?

• If their team plane crashed, sorting out all those wills and where all that money is going to go will probably take a really long time.
• I think New York's big 3, A-Rod, Jeter, and CC, should donate some money to help out America's big 3.
• Now with Teixeira in pinstripes, how long before Madonna drops A-Rod for him? Have you seen the man's cheek bones, come on.
• Speaking of money, did you know that according to the UN, the world's richest 1% own 40% of all the world's wealth
• Next year if you want to sit in the first 9 rows of the New Yankee Stadium, it's going to cost you 500-2,500 a game. Oh and the only way you can get those seats, is if you agree to buy season tickets for the next 4 years or longer. So you'll have to shell out some where around 810,000 dollars.
• You know those same seats at Yankee stadium in 1996 (when they were good) were $25 dollars a game?

Anyone flying Continental this holiday season?


Have Fun, huh

A Solder's Heart is Stronger than Stone

Don't Ever question the bravery of soldiers again

I have never seen that kind of courage anywhere....he deserves the highest award.

He deserves another medal!

Hasselhoff to Rock the Las Vegas Bowl

BYU's All-American wide receiver Austin Collie's dreams have come true. He gets to play in the Vegas Bowl .... again, and he gets to hear his favorite international preforming artist live! That's right, football fans and Europeans will both have their eyes focused on David Hasselhoff as he sings the national anthem before BYU and Arizona go at it. The man from Knight Rider, Baywatch, America's Got Talent, and that infamous Internet video, will be singing just for you Max. What I can't believe is how the Las Vegas Bowl got first picks on anthem singers? Now the Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, and the BCS National Championship Game will have to play second fiddle, because the "Hoff" only has time to sing the National Anthem just once. He has to head back to Germany, the land where he reigns king, as soon as Bronco's applause goes silent. If you watch TRL like all the crazy kids in your neighborhood, you already know the Hoff's latest hit. Jump In My Car. Now that is entertainment. But that comes in a distant second to David's greatest video of all time. You know which one, the one where he's drunk, topless and eating food off the floor. The best part about that video is that you can see it reenacted by puppets here.

So on December 20th, Max Hall and Austin Collie might think they are the biggest names to showcase their talents at the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl, but they have another thing coming. And that thing is superstar David "the Hoff" Hasselhoff. Step aside mortal men, you're about to have your minds blown by the vocal talents from a man that was made famous by talking to his car.

Strange Morning

I ate breakfast with my soccer team this morning at IHOP. Great time was had by all. The game started at 8, so the best idea was for all of us to drink mimosas on the bench during the game. So long story short, we dominated the other team like a million to 2 or something. I'm making this quick because i have to go buy a new phone today. (It won't stop vibrating, that's what she said) So we all get to IHOP and a member of the team is sitting outside and not with the team. He's a good guy, so I'm thinking he needs some fresh air. I find out that he was outside because he didn't want to be in the dining area because there was a lady making balloon animals. He's scared of balloons. Scared of balloons to the point that he can't even be in the same room as them. I will have much more on this later. I think this has peaked my imagination. Next blog will be about unusual phobias.

Random College Story Part 2

So where we left off, our female lead flung herself out the second story window of my house and proceeded to run away. Well just when I thought that things were over and calm, and i could finally get back to what was important. Playing beer pong. We soon saw flashing lights outside, and the feeling that this can't be good came over us. Why you ask? Well for several reasons.

1. 2 Underage kids passed out throwing up pretty much the world
2. Our roommates little "crops" growing in our attic
3. A drunk woman was accusing my roommate of beating her

So we really had no need to worry with the cops and an ambulance outside. So me and Brian go outside to talk things out. Why us? Because I'm a brocat that loves to talk and he's my muscle. now the EMT's were cool. Together we shined the light from their ambulance onto the siding of our house. One of them said, "See you can see right were her feet were kicking before she dropped." The cop wasn't as cool. He for some reason said he wanted to look through our house to make sure that she wasn't in there and we were keeping her against her will. (Like we would do such a thing) So on that note, Brian sprints into the house to hide all 7 of our plants. Leaving me standing there with my thumb up my ass and a look on my face that resembled that of Paris Hilton's when asked about global warming. "I bet he's just going to clean up a bit for you." So we walk through the house, as the cop steps over trash in one of the worst houses in the state. Side note: I was once laying in bed, my cot in the dining room, and pushed on the wall and my entire arm went straight through to the family room.) All of these are pluses for us actually. Because he didn't want to be in that place any longer than a hot minute. He went in the family room looked in a circle and said, "Good enough for me."

COOPER'S VOICE

Boxers or Briefs? Paper or Plastic? Mary Kate or Ashley? All of these are tough questions but here is the most difficult question of all time: THE BEATLES OR THE ROLLING STONES? Tough question because the Beatles pretty much started the rock and roll revolution, however, the stones may have perfected it.

One thing about the Beatles: They started out wearing suits and sang harmless songs like “she loves me yea yea” and girls were their primary fan base. They were essentially the original boy band. However, they gained credibility throughout the years. That’s like the Backstreet Boys somehow morphing into Led Zeppelin. That’s incredibly hard to do.
ADVANTAGE BEATLES

ROCK AND ROLL LIFESTYLE: I will have to give it to the stones. Keith Richards has done enough coke to kill entire nations of people, yet somehow still goes strong. Granted he looks like a morph between a bulimic chick and my left nut (wrinkles) but still he is ALIVE and that alone is amazing. The Beatles did drugs too, but they all stopped years ago and 50 percent of the band is still dead.
ADVANTAGE STONES

Lead singers: Jagger vs Lennon. (I realize that the Beatles kind of had numerous lead singers but I think we all think of Lennon as the front man) This is relatively easy. Lennon had Yoko Ono who pretty much destroyed the band and was a weird looking chick. Mick Jagger had super-model Jerry Hall and was still hooking up with all kinds of girls on the side. Jerry Hall just put up with it because “he was a rock star”. Awesome. Now there is the rumor that Jagger and slept with David Bowie. Now, no one knows if that is true, but if it were a proven fact, Jagger would fall in the dude ranks fast. But him and Richards did have their fair share of ladies.
ADVANTAGE STONES

GUITAR PLAYERS: Richards vs Harrison. George Harrison got really into the Hindu religion and stopped partying. Before that he was just 18 when the Beatles were huge. He was banned from several towns throughout Europe because he and Paul kept setting their hotel rooms on fire. So he did start out cool. Richards still gets wasted and falls out of coconut trees in Fiji and he is in his 70’s. Also, last time I checked Johnny Depp based Captain Jack Sparrow on Keith Richards, not George Harrison. Pirates are awesome and if George Harrison couldn’t be a pirate I don’t like him. Finally, “Beast of Burden” has a much manlier guitar riff than “Here comes the sun”. ADVANTAGE STONES.
CHAMPION=STONES