Apparently, a pet chimp attacked a woman and almost beat her to death this past weak. The chimp had no previous history of violence but for some reason attacked a woman until the cops came and , if I could quote Peter Gabriel here, “shot the monkey” with a handgun and took him down. The monkey apparently had lime disease, which can make them crazy and violent (however, I think he was just pissed because he had a gay name like “Travis”) This story is so ridiculous I just need to make some random comments on it:
1.) No one loves monkeys more than me. I think they are hilarious. Especially when they wear tuxedos and top-hats. They are even funnier when they spoof movies on TV with human voice overs. Nonetheless, this monkey scares the UTTER CRAP out of me. According to CNN, this monkey was famous and a celebrity. How is an animal more popular than me? He apparently was in several Old Navy commercials swinging on a rope. Point two is that CNN stated that this monkey, “could bathe and dress himself and USE A COMPUTER”! I don’t know about you but I don’t want monkeys using computers. If monkeys keep evolving at this rate they will undoubtedly take us out. That is dangerously close to “Planet of the Apes”. As soon as a monkey figures out how to operate a search engine I think we will be running from them on their horses and wearing loin clothes while simultaneously dodging their lassos. Charelston Heston is probably rolling over in grave (he’s dead right?). I used to think that “the machines” would take us out after seeing the “The Matrix” and “The Terminator” movies but it seems as though the monkeys may pick up the torch of destroying humanity.
2.) Apparently the monkey attacked the woman and her friend tried to get the monkey off by stabbing it REPEATEDLY with a knife but the simian didn’t slow down. Then the cop showed up with a gun and the monkey attacked THE COP who had to fire several times to take this monkey down. Now, I know this sounds terrible, but that has to be one of the coolest things EVER to actually see. If u think you wouldn't want to see that you are liar. This reminds me of Bart the Bear. He was also a famous Hollywood actor animal that went crazy and killed his trainer. I'm starting to think that these animals are having a hard time dealing with fame. I think Lindsey Lohan will be the next animal to go crazy and have to be shot
3.) According to the CNN article, monkeys are 7 times stronger than humans who have the same weight. Why haven’t we been using them to create some type of army of super soldiers? I refuse to believe that we can send an ape into space but can’t let a dozen monkeys loose on some Iraqi battalions in the middle east.
I love monkeys.
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