Cooper's Voice

MY NOMINATION FOR ATHLETE OF THE YEAR

I have never been a huge fan of the Olympics as of late. As far as I am concerned the Olympics peaked at the very moment Kari Strug landed that final jump with the threat of forced-anorexia from Bela Karolyi in the back of her mind. It wasn’t pride or glory that motivated her, but rather her survival instinct and desire to get her “one-jelly-bean-a-day” food allowance. Even then, I wasn’t into the Olympics because of that aspect, but rather bc I was 13 and was extremely turned on by Dominique Moceanu in those tight tights (SIDENOTE: one day advertisers will get wise and place logos on their butts, like they do on the hoods of NASCAR stock cars. That’s what the male audience is looking at.)

However, I think the Olympics has a new savior in a guy by the name of Michael Phelps. This guy seems like he could get me back on the Olympic bandwagon. It's not his records that impress me. I am not impressed by swimming or his records and here my reasons why:

1.) Speedos make me uncomfortable (I mean comfortable to look at, but I gotta say they are very comfortable to wear. I am very open to the idea of walking around my apartment in one when my roommates are gone. Its strictly a comfort issue)

2.) man is not a water creature. We should not celebrate this aquatic blasphemy. Its unnatural. I am a huge believer in doing whats natural (at least that’s what I tell the ladies when I don’t wanna use a condom)

3.) Phelps’ records are tainted. He only beat Mark Spitz’s (the previous record holder’s) records by a little bit, BUT Mark Spitz had a sweet 70’s mustache and a great disco style hairy chest that the ladies loved in that era. This extra hair clearly offered more drag in the water and slowed him down. Phelps shaves everything. That’s unfair. A hairless Spitz would crush Phelps.

No, sir. None of his swimming accolades impress me. I DO, however, respect his out-of-the-pool antics. This Phelps cat apparently parties pretty hard. Recently pictures came out of him hitting a bong at a party with young college chicks. This is awesome. Now that he has gold medals and millions of dollars in endorsements and never has to work, he feels as though he is on permanent spring break. I can’t hate on that because that is exactly what I would do. He also has a DUI and is following in the proud footsteps of Jim McMahon and charles barkley (not that I condone drunk driving, its just that some of my favorite athletes have them. Plus, its not like any of these guys went all the way and committed vehicular manslaughter, right? Right?) All I am saying is that America (and by America I mean me) loves to root for the bad boy and this gives Phelps just that image. That’s why everyone likes the Fonz over Ritchie Cunningham or, for the younger audiences, Sean Hunter over Corey Matthews. Nonetheless, Kudos, Mr. Phelps. All I need now is a sex tape and I may actually hang a poster of you in my room (no homo).