Odds and Ends for Today

I have a few minutes, so I figured I would say a few things on what I've read this morning.

1. Jon Voight runs backwards to keep in shape. Does anyone find this fucking insane? Jon Voight is 70 years old. Most high school teenagers can't run backwards in gym class, let alone an old man. One slip and he needs a knew hip. Also why aren't there any pictures of him doing this yet? If you have any please send them my way.

2. Evan Rachel Wood is a wild cat in the bedroom. Reports say that while dating Ed Norton she repeatedly asked him to "Donkey Punch" her. I don't know why people are upset. I think her and this story are awesome. There aren't enough woman like this in Hollywood. Did i mention that she was 18 and he was 36 at the time? Did I also mention that she also dated Marilyn Manson? Who the fuck knows what crazy shit she did with him. ERW, my new masturbation fantasy.

3. Drinkers are better in the bedroom. Well this is great for everyone at MWP! We love the booze and the va-jay, so this is puts us in a great place. The study says people who drink consistently have a lesser chance of experiencing erectile dysfunction in bed. I knew it, I knew it, today is a good day.

Happy Anniversary Heath!!!!!!!!!

I was too busy yesterday to get it up, but now I have a few minutes. Heath this one is for you ...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, one year ago you were found ice cold wearing nothing but your birthday suit. And all of us here at MWP want to say it's been a year and it's about time people start to move on with there lives. First off I want to say there is an open apartment on the upper east side. It's just 26,000 dollars a month, for the gorgeous 3 bedroom spread. For some reason this SOHO apartment has been on the market for a year now, and I think it's about time that all you wealthy crazy's get moving on this prime real estate. Not only do you get to show your friends your magnificent new home, but you can show them how you sleep every night in the same room that the Joker ODed in. Until Jack Nicholson goes, that's something your apartment has that no other in the world can offer.


I'M NOT JOKING, THIS PLACE IS A STEAL!

Cooper's Voice

Here are Coop's picks in a category that few seldom think about. What cartoon characters would I like to sleep with. The funny thing is that A) he has a girlfriend, and B) he's not Asian. Figure that?

5^th place- April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- I will admit that it is kind of a nostalgia pic but whatever. That yellow jumpsuit that she wore was pretty hot. By the way, have you ever seen a reporter wear a skin tight yellow leather jumpsuit? I am pretty sure that’s not how you become a legitimate journalist. I never saw Barbara Walters slut it up like that back in the day.

SIDENOTE: I always thought that there was a weird sexual tension between her and Michelangelo. Anyone else think they hooked up a couple of times off camera?

4^th place- Cartman’s mom from south park. Its just that I think she knows things from all her experience and will be down with “the weird stuff” that I like. She probably doesn’t have any safe words either. Don’t judge me.

3^rd place-Little mermaid- Although I have a standard no-red-head rule ever since a red headed chick tried to rape me in a female bathroom stall sophomore year of college, I think this one is OK. Not the mermaid version tho. Only the version of her with legs. It gave that priest in the movie a boner so I don’t know why I would be any different. I could make an obvious mermaid/fish smell/vag choke here but I am too classy for that.

2^{nd place}- The chick from Aladdin is pretty smoking too. But I think I am attracted more to her money than anything else. Its kinda how I think Paris Hilton is OK, but I LOVE her because of the future wealth she offers me if I knock her up.

1^st place- I think that goes to Jessica rabbit. Such a woman could not exist anatomically in the real world, plus she is obviously not picky because she would even bang a rabbit. Hot chick with low standards= my type of gal. She is the prize

Cooper's Voice - Why I Hate Kurt Warner

1- HIS WIFE- Doesn’t Mr. Warner know the rules of NFL football? He could totally do a lot better than her. If you are an NFL player you need a trophy wife and this chick is busted. I know that at one point he was bagging groceries and, therefore, probably didn’t have supermodels knocking down his door (I don’t think the creepy kid with bad acne that bags my groceries crushes @ss either) but that’s all in the past. Once he got on the Rams there was no excuse for him to drop that short-haired loser and upgrade to a girl that loves him JUST for his money. Don’t give me the whole “she was with him in the hard times argument”. That stuff only happens in the movies and movies are ridiculous. For instance, Richard Gere would never fall in love with a hooker. It just wouldn’t happen. I didn’t make the rules, Kurt but I would sure follow them. Class it up and get Blondie, shallow girl with an eating disorder already.

SIDENOTE: I think that she looks like Alice from the Brady Bunch.






















2- HE PREVENTS MATT LEINERT FROM SEEING THE FIELD- What I like about Leinart is that he doesn’t view football as his PROFESSION, but rather just an avenue to rail college chicks in Cabo. Leinart knocks up and subsequently ruins women’s hoops careers, tags socialites, and parties with coeds on spring break during the off season. During the offseason, Kurt Warner probably does queer things like playing “UNO” or “Candy Land” with his loser kids. I don’t know anything about Kurt Warner’s kids really, but I am CONFIDENT that they are losers and get made fun of at school. Even the kids in wheelchairs probably beat them up and steal their lunch money. But, anyway, I just want to see more Leinert on the field because that means he will hook up with more celebrity chicks and Warner prevents that. What a cookie-cutter loser.

















3- HE HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT AS HIS WIFE- What is this all about? This is even worse than couples who wear matching t-shirts and turtlenecks. What else do they do to match? I bet they even have matching pubic styles. Just creepy.

4- THE WHOLE BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN THING- Listen, I don’t hate on religious people. Everyone is entitled to their faith. I for one worship 1993 Phillies team and sacrifice a goat to appease them every year on the anniversary of Joe Carter’s home run, but that’s just me. But when Warner won the Superbowl trophy he just yelled “thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus!” as soon as they gave him a microphone. Say something cool like “bring on the hookers!” or “who’s got the blow?!” Anything is better than “thank you Jesus”. Also, he calls himself a “born again” Christian. Don’t you have to do a bunch of bad stuff before you can become a “born again” Christian? Everyone I have ever heard about being a born again Christian was someone who was a drug addict or a prostitute or something. Warner never did anything like that. He missed out on all the fun stuff. That’s like skipping the drinking and going straight to the hangover.




GOD I HATE KURT WARNER

Wow. I mean really wow. Today I read a story on CNN.com that blew my mind worse than a pron star blows your .... you get the idea. Usually I'm a reader of the Onion.com, but as of late, CNN has been so great that I really can't tell the two apart. With stories like this one I visit CNN before I even go to the Onion. The stories are twice as funny when you know they are true, and this one takes the cake.

Apparently a California man attempted to sell his 14 year old daughter to an 18 year old man through a third party. Then when the man didn't pay up, the girl's father called the police to tell them that the man didn't pay up. Well that wasn't a very good idea was it? If you're a father looking for some extra cash as well as free time and want to sell your child, I can tell you what the going rate for a 14 year old girl is these days. For the ability to walk around his house naked and masturbate constantly to Internet porn without having to pick up his daughter from school, he was to receive $16,000, 150 cases of beer, 150 cases of soda and Gatorade, and several cases of wine and meat. Does anyone think that's a pretty specific list? I mean how did the negotiations go while they were trying to nail this deal down? "I'll give you 100 cases of beer .... No way! Make it 150 and some meat and then you have a deal." This story has to just blow your mind. To sell your daughter is one thing, but to map out demands as nuts as these is another. But then again maybe the guy is playing it smart. With these demands he can use that in his temporarily insanity plea in court.

But the more I'm writing I'm starting to think this isn't that bad of a deal. I mean we all know what pain in the asses 14 year old girls are. And we all know how sweet 16 grand, a shit load of beer and meat is. I bet this dude was planning a monster bash at his new man cave. The teenager is gone, he's got a shit ton of beer and food, why not throw a sweet ass par-tay? This dude might have it more together than any of us think. He might really be on to something. It's like the first time everyone went nuts about the idea of a black people having their own television station (BET). 40 years ago it was something that people didn't think about and much more so, not even talked about. 50 years from now we'll be calling this man a pioneer. I'm not surprised that there are not Internet sales sites for teenagers all across the web by now. This is an untapped resource.

I'm building a page as we speak - www.youneedateen.com

Things Less Gay Than Brody Jenner’s Show Bromance

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January 6th, 2009 by NextRound

We were recently made aware of the new MTV reality show Bromance, which stars reality regular and undeniable waste-of-space, Brody Jenner. In case you’re unaware — which hopefully you are — Bromance is pretty much The Bachelor, except instead of a bunch of chicks fighting for one dude, a bunch of dudes fight for one dude. The winner is to be rewarded with a spot in Jenner’s entourage (and a lifetime of humiliation).

While we can maybe see this idea seeming funny at inception, there’s just no way to get around the gayness. That this show even exists is truly a testament to how dumb MTV thinks its audience is.

On our NR Group, Team Cool & Tough initially tried to come up with a list of things that were gayer than this show, which proved to be almost impossible (you can only list “butt sex” and “eating pizza off another dude’s back” so many times). So instead we decided to come up with a list of Things Less Gay Than Brody Jenner’s Show, Bromance. It was much easier.

• Gatsby Hats
• Dry Weddings
• Unicycles
• Sean Penn’s character in Milk
• Talking to a naked dude at the gym. While you’re also naked.
• Johnny Cakes
• Zac Efron
• Ferragamo Loafers
• Bragging about your credit score
• Neverland Ranch
• Parasailing
• The color “Magenta”
• Saving yourself for marriage
• Crying
• Spin Class
• The basement scene in Pulp Fiction
• Track Lighting
• This Picture
• Kittens
• High School Wrestling
• Seeing Twilight with another dude
• Turtlenecks
• Declining a BJ
• Ellen Degeneres
• What the Marines refer to as “Bottoming Out”
• Wii Fit
• Gerble farms
• Booth’s DVR Playlist
• Capris for Men
• Will & Grace Reruns
• Noticing someone wearing a black belt and brown shoes
• Monogamy
• The Iron Lotus
• Starting a website called DudeAlert
• Pogo Sticks
• Walking on the treadmill at a high incline
• A Devil’s Threesome
• Sweatervests
• Refusing to take a dump at work
• Being able to Shag
• Taking a cab home
• Going Green
• Saying you can eat 70 nuggets and then only eating 35

Thanks to Team C&T for the input.

The police report from Charles Barkley's DUI arrest was released, and it’s not hyperbole to say that this will only add to the legacy of Sir Charles.

According to the officer who wrote the report, “He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat.”

The officer continues: “He asked me to admit that she was ‘hot.’ He asked me, ‘You want the truth?’ When I told him I did he said, ‘I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a ‘blow job’ one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.”

So everyone knows that blowjobs are the fountain of youth. There’s nothing else on Earth that will make a 45-year-old man giddy like a 16-year-old boy. Honestly if I had the choice between theEagles winning the Super Bowl and getting the best blowjob of my life… let’s just say I’d probably run that stop sign too.