Cooper's Voice - Why I Hate Kurt Warner

1- HIS WIFE- Doesn’t Mr. Warner know the rules of NFL football? He could totally do a lot better than her. If you are an NFL player you need a trophy wife and this chick is busted. I know that at one point he was bagging groceries and, therefore, probably didn’t have supermodels knocking down his door (I don’t think the creepy kid with bad acne that bags my groceries crushes @ss either) but that’s all in the past. Once he got on the Rams there was no excuse for him to drop that short-haired loser and upgrade to a girl that loves him JUST for his money. Don’t give me the whole “she was with him in the hard times argument”. That stuff only happens in the movies and movies are ridiculous. For instance, Richard Gere would never fall in love with a hooker. It just wouldn’t happen. I didn’t make the rules, Kurt but I would sure follow them. Class it up and get Blondie, shallow girl with an eating disorder already.

SIDENOTE: I think that she looks like Alice from the Brady Bunch.






















2- HE PREVENTS MATT LEINERT FROM SEEING THE FIELD- What I like about Leinart is that he doesn’t view football as his PROFESSION, but rather just an avenue to rail college chicks in Cabo. Leinart knocks up and subsequently ruins women’s hoops careers, tags socialites, and parties with coeds on spring break during the off season. During the offseason, Kurt Warner probably does queer things like playing “UNO” or “Candy Land” with his loser kids. I don’t know anything about Kurt Warner’s kids really, but I am CONFIDENT that they are losers and get made fun of at school. Even the kids in wheelchairs probably beat them up and steal their lunch money. But, anyway, I just want to see more Leinert on the field because that means he will hook up with more celebrity chicks and Warner prevents that. What a cookie-cutter loser.

















3- HE HAS THE SAME HAIRCUT AS HIS WIFE- What is this all about? This is even worse than couples who wear matching t-shirts and turtlenecks. What else do they do to match? I bet they even have matching pubic styles. Just creepy.

4- THE WHOLE BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN THING- Listen, I don’t hate on religious people. Everyone is entitled to their faith. I for one worship 1993 Phillies team and sacrifice a goat to appease them every year on the anniversary of Joe Carter’s home run, but that’s just me. But when Warner won the Superbowl trophy he just yelled “thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus!” as soon as they gave him a microphone. Say something cool like “bring on the hookers!” or “who’s got the blow?!” Anything is better than “thank you Jesus”. Also, he calls himself a “born again” Christian. Don’t you have to do a bunch of bad stuff before you can become a “born again” Christian? Everyone I have ever heard about being a born again Christian was someone who was a drug addict or a prostitute or something. Warner never did anything like that. He missed out on all the fun stuff. That’s like skipping the drinking and going straight to the hangover.




GOD I HATE KURT WARNER