Cooper's Voice

If you've read this blog the last few weeks, you've realized that the Robin to my Batman, the Herpes to my cold sore, the Affleck to my Damon, Coop has had quite the little man crush on a certain left fielder for the now World Champion Philadelphia Phillies, Pat Burrell. Burrell is a free agent and the question is if he'll be in Phillies pinstripes next season. Here are 5 reasons Coop thinks the Babe should stay in the cradle of freedom ......

A lot of people think that the Phillie's can survive without our left fielder Pat the Bat next year. As long as Pat has been here, left field has been a place where fly balls and virgins go to disappear. Here is why the Phils NEED Pat Burrell

1.) RECORDS/PHILLIES LORE- Pat Burrell is a legend in Phillies baseball history. He is fourth on the all time Phillies home run hits list. All he does is break records and hymens. That’s all he knows. Furthermore, he is even nicknamed “the babe”. Pat is part of our legacy and getting rid of him is the Philadelphia equivalent of the Sox getting rid of Babe Ruth. You trade Pat, get ready to be cursed.

2.) ECONOMICS- Pat Burrell is a well respected boozehound in the Philadelphia area. He drinks bud heavies in old city practically every night of the week. Lets assume that beers are 4 dollars a piece (most beers are in this pricey part of town, especially at the “Irish pub” where pat frequents) and lets also assume he tips at least 20 percent. Pat also has been known to enjoy shots of Patron. Lets estimate that Pat Burrell probably purchases 20 beers a night (19 for him and one bottle for a lady only so he can use the beer bottle on her later as a sexual device). Lets also be casual and say that he only does 5 shots of Patron at 8.50 a pop. Lets be even MORE conservative and assume he only does this for three quarters of year and takes 1/4^th of the nights off in a year (ridiculous concept that he takes OFF nights but I am just talking numbers here). By my math, that takes away 37,914.38 cents away from old city bars. As previously mentioned, pat’s favorite bar is the Irish pub (one of the most popular bars in the area) and lets assume that 75 percent of his total bar spending occur there. That means the Irish Pub will lose 28,435.78 cents of its total earnings and would surely go under as a business. If this bar goes down, then surrounding bars will go down due to less spillover attendance. As a result of fewer bars, the entire restaurant/ service industry will suffer in Philadelphia and the city will find itself in economic ruin. Those are numbers. Mathematics are the one universal constant. Pat needs to stay for thousands to have jobs. Don’t be selfish Phillies organization. If these people don’t have jobs, no one will buy tickets to the games.

3.) SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES- Three quarters of the women in Philly will not be sexually satisfied if Pat leaves. Sure he is married now, but we all know that the only ring that matters to him is his world series ring that he won this year. With thousands of women not able to satisfied by Pat Burrell, they will logically turn to lesbianism because they will not be able to even look at another man and compare him to “The Bat”. As a result, women will stop breeding with men and the human race will be extinct in Philadelphia within the next ten years. Pat needs to stay for our VERY SURVIVAL.

4.) THE CONTINUATION OF AMERICA’S PASTIME- It’s a well known fact that the ladies that work as the sexy ballgirls at citizen’s bank ballpark are infatuated with Pat Burrell. They all have a crush on him and want to get down in the worst way. If Pat is gone, then the ball girls will quit. Not a big deal you say? WRONG! Without ball girls all the players will be forced to chase after their own foul balls, therefore making the game take HOURS LONGER. America is already concerned with the length of the game. Once all the other owners realize that they can save money by not using ball girls, they will all follow the Phillies example. No one will be able to sit around for an 8 hour game of baseball and no one will buy tickets to the games. The game itself will be destroyed. Pat needs to stay for baseball to survive as America’s game. Fact!

5.) LOCKER ROOM LEADERSHIP- Pat Burrell is the alpha male of the Phillies squad, as well as the unquestioned leader. All the guys look up to him because of his ability to party and get chicks. He is also the guy who gets all the other players out to the bar to blow off steam. If he doesn’t get those guys to the bar with him a couple nights out of the week, the entire team will become giant balls of stress and will have no mental stability. Also, they will not get as much tail because they can’t nail Pat Burrell’s Phillies Phallout P*ssy. With all that testosterone built up in their systems they will not be able to focus even more. They will become angry and will start to beat their wives. They will then be placed in jail and we will have no team. This squad can only function with ONE Brett Myers, not an entire squad of Ike Turners. Pat needs to stay for this team to win/stay out of jail.

RESIGN PAT THE BAT OR DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.

PHILLIES ARE WORLD CHAMPS

Being born and raised in the city of brotherly love, I have to say today is better than the day after i lost my V card. I was only a few months old when the Sixers won, so you understand how I'm bouncing off the walls about a team that has given me so much heart ache throughout the years. Oh I also flew home from Denver to be at all three home games. I mean 2 and 2/3 home games. My flight brought me back to the mile high city early Tuesday morning. Leaving yours truly sitting in limbo and bone crushing misery. To catch you up to speed here's a few things to check out.

the 9th inning from section 142 ... video

need a new starting pitcher and 2nd baseman in about 20 years? click here

If you envy Cole Hamels enough already, he goes and wins the World Series MVP ... he has this

These girls hold the Phillies balls during every home stand

Also check out some other hot things to come out of philly

Some great brotherly love expressed here

My personal favorite for endless coverage ... go to the 700 level.

PB HOUR OF POWER

As much as I loath Coop being correct on virtually anything, i have to give it to him. Pat Burrell came through last night in the biggest game to ever be played at CBP. His homer in the 6th gave the Phils the lead and eventually the victory. Now Burrell needs to get some sleep on tonight's red eye to LA, so when he arrives at LAX he is refreshed to hit the town and slay some vag. He needs to find Mia Hamm (Nomar Garciaparra's Wife) meat wallet, and take a one way ticket to poon village. By the way, with the Babe's help the Phillies can play .500 baseball the rest of the way and they would go to the World Series. To get some great stuff on game one check out the 700 level.

The Phillies and Dodgers begin their NLCS series tonight at Citizen Bank Park in South Philly. Now I'm bias being from the city of brotherly love, and growing up a die-hard Phighten fan all my life. Yes we have had our fair share of losses throughout the years, 10,000 plus but who's counting. My buddy Coop still lives and breathes the Phils, and here are a few things the boys in pinstripes need to follow to find their way into the World Series .....





Coops keys to the game OFF THE FIELD.

1.) Pat Burrell needs to sleep with all the wives of ALL the dodgers players by game 4. Being how Pat the Bat is a native to California, I don’t see this being a problem. He obviously understands the psyche of the California housewife and can achieve pound town status within seconds of the first conversation. This should not be an issue.
2.) Myers must try not to beat up his wife OFF THE FIELD so that he can stay ON the field. She travels with him to all the road games, so this could be difficult if she starts to nag. Personally I would like to keep her at home when they get to LA. Its just too tempting for Brett when he sleeps next to his own personal punching bag. In fact, I think he even called her “my own personal punching bag” in their wedding vows.
3.) Moyer needs to take Viagra and needs to take down Joe Torre’s wife. I think he is the only player that is in her age bracket and Moyer hasn’t had an erection since Woodstock. Nonetheless, with that little blue pill I see this happening easily.
4.) J Roll- Needs to keep his mouth shut so that we don’t get another “front running incident” or else I will personally burn all of his Tupac du-rags.

If we can do this, series should be a cake walk