Cooper's Voice

If you've read this blog the last few weeks, you've realized that the Robin to my Batman, the Herpes to my cold sore, the Affleck to my Damon, Coop has had quite the little man crush on a certain left fielder for the now World Champion Philadelphia Phillies, Pat Burrell. Burrell is a free agent and the question is if he'll be in Phillies pinstripes next season. Here are 5 reasons Coop thinks the Babe should stay in the cradle of freedom ......

A lot of people think that the Phillie's can survive without our left fielder Pat the Bat next year. As long as Pat has been here, left field has been a place where fly balls and virgins go to disappear. Here is why the Phils NEED Pat Burrell

1.) RECORDS/PHILLIES LORE- Pat Burrell is a legend in Phillies baseball history. He is fourth on the all time Phillies home run hits list. All he does is break records and hymens. That’s all he knows. Furthermore, he is even nicknamed “the babe”. Pat is part of our legacy and getting rid of him is the Philadelphia equivalent of the Sox getting rid of Babe Ruth. You trade Pat, get ready to be cursed.

2.) ECONOMICS- Pat Burrell is a well respected boozehound in the Philadelphia area. He drinks bud heavies in old city practically every night of the week. Lets assume that beers are 4 dollars a piece (most beers are in this pricey part of town, especially at the “Irish pub” where pat frequents) and lets also assume he tips at least 20 percent. Pat also has been known to enjoy shots of Patron. Lets estimate that Pat Burrell probably purchases 20 beers a night (19 for him and one bottle for a lady only so he can use the beer bottle on her later as a sexual device). Lets also be casual and say that he only does 5 shots of Patron at 8.50 a pop. Lets be even MORE conservative and assume he only does this for three quarters of year and takes 1/4^th of the nights off in a year (ridiculous concept that he takes OFF nights but I am just talking numbers here). By my math, that takes away 37,914.38 cents away from old city bars. As previously mentioned, pat’s favorite bar is the Irish pub (one of the most popular bars in the area) and lets assume that 75 percent of his total bar spending occur there. That means the Irish Pub will lose 28,435.78 cents of its total earnings and would surely go under as a business. If this bar goes down, then surrounding bars will go down due to less spillover attendance. As a result of fewer bars, the entire restaurant/ service industry will suffer in Philadelphia and the city will find itself in economic ruin. Those are numbers. Mathematics are the one universal constant. Pat needs to stay for thousands to have jobs. Don’t be selfish Phillies organization. If these people don’t have jobs, no one will buy tickets to the games.

3.) SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES- Three quarters of the women in Philly will not be sexually satisfied if Pat leaves. Sure he is married now, but we all know that the only ring that matters to him is his world series ring that he won this year. With thousands of women not able to satisfied by Pat Burrell, they will logically turn to lesbianism because they will not be able to even look at another man and compare him to “The Bat”. As a result, women will stop breeding with men and the human race will be extinct in Philadelphia within the next ten years. Pat needs to stay for our VERY SURVIVAL.

4.) THE CONTINUATION OF AMERICA’S PASTIME- It’s a well known fact that the ladies that work as the sexy ballgirls at citizen’s bank ballpark are infatuated with Pat Burrell. They all have a crush on him and want to get down in the worst way. If Pat is gone, then the ball girls will quit. Not a big deal you say? WRONG! Without ball girls all the players will be forced to chase after their own foul balls, therefore making the game take HOURS LONGER. America is already concerned with the length of the game. Once all the other owners realize that they can save money by not using ball girls, they will all follow the Phillies example. No one will be able to sit around for an 8 hour game of baseball and no one will buy tickets to the games. The game itself will be destroyed. Pat needs to stay for baseball to survive as America’s game. Fact!

5.) LOCKER ROOM LEADERSHIP- Pat Burrell is the alpha male of the Phillies squad, as well as the unquestioned leader. All the guys look up to him because of his ability to party and get chicks. He is also the guy who gets all the other players out to the bar to blow off steam. If he doesn’t get those guys to the bar with him a couple nights out of the week, the entire team will become giant balls of stress and will have no mental stability. Also, they will not get as much tail because they can’t nail Pat Burrell’s Phillies Phallout P*ssy. With all that testosterone built up in their systems they will not be able to focus even more. They will become angry and will start to beat their wives. They will then be placed in jail and we will have no team. This squad can only function with ONE Brett Myers, not an entire squad of Ike Turners. Pat needs to stay for this team to win/stay out of jail.

RESIGN PAT THE BAT OR DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.