COOPER'S VOICE

I was watching HBO the other day and was going back and forth between "Gladiator" and "Braveheart." I then started to ask myself this question: Who was cooler?

EXPERIENCE/FIGHTING SKILLS: This goes to Maximus. As far as I know William Wallace only fought in two, maybe three major battles. Maximus was the major general in the Roman Army. It takes time to climb the ranks like that. So I am assuming he was in more major battles than William Wallace. According to Braveheart, most of the fights were small skirmishes. Its like comparing the Invasion of Normandy to the time I hit my college roommate in the balls and ran into the bathroom stall and locked myself in there for safety. Just not the same.

ADVANTAGE MAXIMUS

ORATORY SKILLS- Gladiator could never top the "take our lives but never take our freedom" speech from Braveheart. That speech was right up there with King Henry's "St Crispin Day" speech, the "win one for the gipper speech", Bluto’s speech in "Animal House," and any speech that Jay Wright has ever given to my Villanova wildcats before the second half.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

CHICKS: This has to go to Braveheart. Maximus' wife may have been a prize piece back in the day but he could never move on to something fresh. Sure, William Wallace was a little whipped and pretty much fought and started a war because the English killed his wife, but the same could be for Russell Crowe in Gladiator. At least William Wallace gave the ultimate F-you to the king of England by tagging his son's wife. Maximus didn't even have the stones to make a move on the sister of the emperor, even when she tried to KISS him. William Wallace fired one home and knocked up the princess of England. Style points.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

ARMOR/Overall Fashion Sense: This is close but I go with William Wallace. They both kinda wear queer skirts, but I am a fan of plaid so I think kilts are cooler than the mini-toga skirts that gladiators wore. William Wallace also wore face paint and he made it look intimidating. Replace blue with green paint and that guy would be tough enough for the 700 level of Veteran’s Stadium.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

WEAPONS- Braveheart had that huge kickass sword. Maximus only had that little thing. From what the ladies tell me, size matters.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

I thought this would be closer, but it looks like Braveheart runs away with it.