COOPER'S VOICE

I was watching HBO the other day and was going back and forth between "Gladiator" and "Braveheart." I then started to ask myself this question: Who was cooler?

EXPERIENCE/FIGHTING SKILLS: This goes to Maximus. As far as I know William Wallace only fought in two, maybe three major battles. Maximus was the major general in the Roman Army. It takes time to climb the ranks like that. So I am assuming he was in more major battles than William Wallace. According to Braveheart, most of the fights were small skirmishes. Its like comparing the Invasion of Normandy to the time I hit my college roommate in the balls and ran into the bathroom stall and locked myself in there for safety. Just not the same.

ADVANTAGE MAXIMUS

ORATORY SKILLS- Gladiator could never top the "take our lives but never take our freedom" speech from Braveheart. That speech was right up there with King Henry's "St Crispin Day" speech, the "win one for the gipper speech", Bluto’s speech in "Animal House," and any speech that Jay Wright has ever given to my Villanova wildcats before the second half.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

CHICKS: This has to go to Braveheart. Maximus' wife may have been a prize piece back in the day but he could never move on to something fresh. Sure, William Wallace was a little whipped and pretty much fought and started a war because the English killed his wife, but the same could be for Russell Crowe in Gladiator. At least William Wallace gave the ultimate F-you to the king of England by tagging his son's wife. Maximus didn't even have the stones to make a move on the sister of the emperor, even when she tried to KISS him. William Wallace fired one home and knocked up the princess of England. Style points.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

ARMOR/Overall Fashion Sense: This is close but I go with William Wallace. They both kinda wear queer skirts, but I am a fan of plaid so I think kilts are cooler than the mini-toga skirts that gladiators wore. William Wallace also wore face paint and he made it look intimidating. Replace blue with green paint and that guy would be tough enough for the 700 level of Veteran’s Stadium.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

WEAPONS- Braveheart had that huge kickass sword. Maximus only had that little thing. From what the ladies tell me, size matters.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

I thought this would be closer, but it looks like Braveheart runs away with it.

COOPER'S VOICE

I am a Notre Dame fan and root hard for Brady Quinn. I respect his athletic ability as well as his overall ability to scoop up chicks AT WILL. A friend of mine just asked me who will be Brady Quinn’s first celebrity girlfriend now that he is the starter for the Cleveland Browns and this got me thinking: Does Brady Quinn nail a celeb chick just for the sake of hotness or does he nail a celeb chick for straight–up Darwinism?



Brady Quinn could get in the pants of pretty much any young chick in Hollywood. His movie star looks, awesome athletic prowess and Notre Dame-educated mind make him irresistible to any woman that walks this earth who is not attracted to Ellen Degeneres (and even there I believe that he can convert some of them back to our team). He has no doubt been TEARING through the Cleveland bar scene since the draft and could show up to bars just wearing a tube sock and leave with 2 chicks on each arm in under 5 minutes. He's been slinging webs all over the women of the mistake by the lake. However, I think that this may actually work AGAINST him as far as getting it on with actresses/models. Things have been to easy for him and he can always find a HOTTER chick, so I think at this point he will just look for a better GENETIC match. AJ Hawk of the packers has been sticking it to Brady Quinn’s sister for years and they will undoubtedly give birth to an amazingly athletic child. Brady is not one to be beaten and surely sees this as a competition. He will have to find a woman that is an attractive Olympic high jumper or somebody like that to breed a super athlete that can challenge AJ Hawks offspring. I recommend Maria Sharapova or Jennie Finch. These girls are amazing athletes and have hotness to compliment their skills. Jennie Finch may be the better candidate because she obviously has arm strength because she is a pitcher. If you add that to the firepower that is Brady Quinn’s right arm you are looking at the most powerful arm in the history of man. She might be married to a MLB pitcher, but he is sub par at best on the field and in the sack. Once Jennie looks into the brilliant eyes of Quinn, her panties will instantly dissolve right off her body. Because that's what Brady does, he's a panty killer. That kid will be handed the Heisman as soon as he leaves the womb.

A BROCATS GUIDE TO RAILING CHICKS

Coop is the type of cat that was born without a soul, without a moral compass. the type of guy that will tell a girl to meet him at a bar downtown and have no intention of ever showing up. And in turn leaving her at a bar alone with no ride home (true story by the way). So for all you guys that are taking the same train to hell with my boy, here's a guide to get some cheap ass from the best friend of a girl you have previously tagged. Coop, take it away......

I have thought long and hard about this. Women secretly hate each other, so it's easy to break this fake bond they pretend to have with one another and exploit them for your own personal benefit. My advice can be laid out in a 3 step plan

1.) SEPARATE THEM AT THE BEGINNING: Take each one out and work the “you are special” angle. Tell each one some intimate secret about yourself. This will create the illusion of trust and, therefore, she will less willing to use information AGAINST you. If she thinks others will think less of you (including her friend) she will keep a lot of your personal conversations just that: PERSONAL. Remember this: The spreading of information is your enemy!
2.) COMBINE THEM IN A SOCIAL SETTING: Make sure that they are both out at a bar. Here you can flirt with both of them equally. (NOTE: Do this when they are still somewhat sober) However, don’t be too over the top. Send out small comments like “I would be crazy not to think you are good looking” or “you and me always have a good time. Plus, your hot so it makes me look cool to be with you.” Such quotes are self-effacing and, therefore, create the false-appearance that you are vulnerable and sweet, when in reality you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Make sure that the other girl SEES you flirt, but does not HEAR you flirt. This will trigger her primal woman instinct and will make her POSSESSIVE. At this point the work has been done. The women, evening if only subconsciously, will hate each other and you are the golden boy. However, do not make any advances on either subject at this time. THIS IS CRUCIAL
3.) “ACCIDENTAL RUN-IN WITH THE HOTTER GIRL”- This is where you can “storm the beaches of Normandy”, so to speak. Find out from an outside source where she is one time without talking to her. Text messages are a bad idea in this instance because they can document your improper advances. Have a friend figure it out indirectly and show up WITH your boys. This will show that you have no evil motive. You are just out with your buddies. At this point, you have already broken down what I call “Berlin wall of v#g” and resistance will be minimal. She is already comfortable with you and somewhere back in her mind she is angry at her friend. Now you can resort to your normal tactic of getting her smashed and taking her home while intoxicated. RED BULL VODKAS ALWAYS AROUSE THE SPIRIT

NOTE: THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TACTIC WILL ALLOW YOU TO GET ONE, TWO, MAYBE THREE (MAX) ROMPS BEFORE YOU ARE FOUND OUT. AT THAT POINT YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION. YOU’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO