Garrett Wittels - a debate for real sports and bryant gumbel

A question for the ages.  Should going to prison for rape officially end one’s hit streak?  This is a question that we are all going to be asking ourselves over the next few months.  FIU infielder Garrett Wittels currently has a 56 game hit streak heading into the 2011 season.  He is just two hits shy of former super star Robin Ventura’s Division I record of 58 back in 1987.  (Venture is more famously known as the brother of Jesse, and uncle to Ace.) Wittels season will kick off February 18th with three nationally televised games.  In comes the rub.  Wittels has been charged with raping a 17 year old girl while vacationing in the Bahamas.  Whoops-e-daisy. People have told me that the Bahamas have kind of a rape feel to them, but I wouldn't know, I’ve only been to Disney World. Now unlike Garrett, I have a strict code I live by.  If I have a hit streak I don’t rape.  Call me old fashion, call me superstitious, call me a prude, call me what you will, I just cannot and will not mess with a streak.  But maybe Garrett doesn’t normally rape during a hit streak either.  Maybe Garrett got caught up with a rapey kind of crowd; lord knows that can happen too.  Two of Garrett’s buddies have been accused of rape as well.  One tomcat has been accused of raping two 17 year old girls.  I won’t use his name because HE doesn’t have a hit streak.  Now Wittels’ father, Michael the Orthopedist, says that the two girls claimed they were students at the University of Arkansas.  Wait a minute here, two girls?  If my math serves me correctly, that is three dudes, two girls and 4 charges.  Oh my word the train has entered the station. 

                Back to the point at hand, should the streak come to an end if Wittels goes to prison? (Maximum sentence in the Bahamas for raping on a hit streak is 7 years.)  Say Garrett does 4 years for good behavior, and comes back to FIU ready to continue his quest for the record.  He gets a hit in his first 3 games and breaks the record.  Does he now hold the record?  Is there a rape asterisks?  Will the NCAA have a rapless record of 58, and a rape included record of 59?  I think the Garrett’s rape record will undoubtedly be more respected as the tougher of the two to be broken.  I mean the moon and stars really need to aligned for another player to hit in 59 games with a rape sentence in a foreign country shoved right in the middle of it all. Sorry Cal Ripken, looks like you don’t have the toughest streak to break now do you. 

just put her down already.

Don't you think it's time? many of you have had pets, and you all know when it's time to call it quits. shouldn't that same sentiment come into play with celebrities? as good citizens of this plants, lindsey lohan serves no purpose to us, other than an ultimate gimme in any death pool.  (if she goes before april, mwp wins $250). if anything she's a drain on our society, using up tabloid pages that could be covered with pictures of leo's latest sexual conquest. instead of masturbating to leo's wonderful life full of yachts, anal bleached high class hookers and world domination, we are stuck with pictures of lohan's "fair" skin. in this context,"fair" = aids lesions like tom hanks had in philadelphia. hollywood is for beautiful people and maggie gyllenhaal.

now throwing a booze fest in your room at rehab is kinda awesome. it's not cool when it's done by a total w.o.a.l (waste of a life). if you told me that robert downey jr had hookers, blow, midgets and balloons fill his room at betty ford this christmas, i would start shooting H between my toes in an attempt to get an invite.  that fake lesbian for attention gets entirely too much coverage in the blog world.  we can all be writing about the kick ass shit. instead everyday i have to read about how this hatchet wound got wasted again and lost another job.  that's the average american.  MWP doesn't cover the average americans!  this is the last you will hear about old yeller from MWP, well at least until they put her down.

the greatest roast of all time?

if you're a fan of MWP, you know we don't think too highly of the larry the cable fags and the dane cocks, sorry cooks, of the world.  his act is ok.  and i mean ok in the sense that if you slept with britney murphy recently, you would say that she was just ok.

that brings me to this.  jeffery ross is hands down one of the greatest insult comics.  how do people like dane cock (that one was on purpose) get so huge and sellout areas across this country, when people like ross still aren't household names. 

case and point. (nsfw)

nfl fears players will kill dogs for super powers after vick's performance

(new york) - nfl commissioner Roger Goodell has a crisis of near monumental proportions on his hands at this hour.  after philadelphia eagle mike vick showcased one of the greatest performances in nfl history, news has spread around the league of his super powers and where they derive from.  vick, a convicted dog fighter, has become the talk of the nfl this season after being named the starter, then the back-up, then the starter, next a back up, and then starter this season.  after head coach andy reid grew tired of switching qb's in the same manor as a cat does with a ball of yarn, vick has shown extreme skill and awareness since sealing the starting spot. it's as though he has something no other player in the nfl possesses.  since his release from prison, vick has shown an increase in agility, quickness, strength, speed and smell.  "you think he's jaw dropping on the football field? you should see my man chase down a frisbee", said philadelphia eagle wide receiver desean jackson.  after hearing such a quote, this journalist put the pieces together and headed for some answers.  it took only one simple question to uncover a truth that could put k9's in danger for at least the rest of the nfl regular season.

mwp - "mr. vick, do you think your performance on the field this season has anything to do with your dog fighting past?" 
vick - "when you kill a dog you not only inherit their soul, but you also inherit their power and essence as a being."

can you believe that?  mike vick used the word inherit twice in a single sentence.  after torturing and killing a dog, a person must also "inherit" a dog's intellect as well.   

i dug deeper.  "so you're admitting that your amazing play this past monday night is some how related to killing dogs?"  "oh without a doubt.  and the best part is that super powers brought on by killing dogs are not banned substances according to the nfl."

after my article with vick was published in the world renowned horse and hound, new spread throughout the nfl quickly about where vick's talent derived from.  players from san fransisco to miami flocked to their local pounds to acquire dogs, or should i say talent.  commissioner goodell has been quoted, "we are on the verge of one of the largest epidemics this nation has ever seen."  people around the country have been told to keep their dogs indoors and to keep their distance from anyone who appears to be able to run fast and lift large amounts of weight.  further details have not yet been disclosed at this time, but we will keep you up to date with new developments as they happen

-mammals with pants

still the best ever!

With so many high school football videos making it big lately, it's time to take a trip down memory lane to the greatest high school football video of all-time..  It's the Texas state finals.  Make sure the volume is turned up, because the two nut wagons calling this game are true Americans.  It's a shame I didn't post it on veterans day now that I think of it.

Drunk Ernie Photo of the Week

right where he belongs.

Who Thought Kickers Were So Badass?

Well I have a new favorite player and he goes by the name of Pat McAffe.  Don't get him confused with your computer software protection, because he's a bad ass.  Short story shorter, he got wasted and decided to go swimming in a river downtown Indy.  When confronted by police about if he had been drinking, McAffe replied, "A lot, because I'm drunk." 

Story here.

where do I get a Pat McAffe jersey?

MWP Brings You MLB Playoff Predictions

What a great time of the year.  College football is in full swing, as is the NFL.  The NBA and the NHL are getting started and the WNBA is over.  But the best part is that the baseball playoffs are here.  With that said, here are MWP picks for both the AL and NL match ups.

New York Yankees vs Minnesota Twins:

Winner:     Twins

Flat out the Yankees can't pitch after Sebathia.  They could try to get him to throw every other game, but looked how that worked out when he was with Milwaukee.  Who would have thought doucheness would rub off on Jeter.  We all know Alex is the worst, but when he starts to turn Mr. Yankee into a faking dick cheese, you know this team is headed nowhere. 

Tampa Bay Rays vs Texas Rangers:

Winner:  Rays

This one is simple.  Josh Hamilton back in Tampa means Josh Hamilton back on the wagon.  Hamilton returns to the team that drafted him number one overall back when he was the best prospect of all time.  We all know what happened, Hamilton's career went down the tubes for the next few years.  But honestly I bet he was a fucking blast to hangout with.  Hambino catches up with some old mates, can't hit shit, and the Rays advance.

San Francisco Giants vs Atlanta Braves:

Winner:  Giants

Sorry Bobby Cox but it's over.  Well at least it's over until you manage the Cubs next season.  The facts are that the Braves can't hit baseballs nearly as good as Cox hits his wife. 

Philadelphia Phillies vs Cincinnati Reds:


Winner:  Phillies

H2O dominate.  People say that Philly sucks as a city.  Well has anyone seen the Natty?  Yeah it looks like the inside of a porn stars vag.  So who you going to go with?  The city that gave you your freedom or the home of the Bengals?  right.

Greg Giraldo

I loved Giraldo, no joking around. (that is kind of funny when you say something like that and you're writing about a comedian. huh?)  He was truly a very funny funny cat that had the rare gift of combining vulgar and grossly inappropriate jokes with extreme intellect.  Harvard intellect (Giraldo graduated from Harvard Law School). It's a lot harder to do then you would think.  Any fat slob can tell a dirty joke for God's sake, look at Artie Lange.  But to push the envelope to where you make everyone feel unbelievably uncomfortable, yet the entire audience has to appreciate the context of the joke is solid fucking gold.  Giraldo did that to a "T".

The best thing about Giraldo was that he was a comics comic.  Loved by the most respected men in the game.  Here's where I get angry.  Larry the Cable Guy is still around and making millions.  He's about as deep as a shot glass.  It always happens this way though, we lose the great ones and we think about what they could have done if they had stuck around.  Mitch Hedburg, Chris Farley, Belushi, Candy, and so on.  We're left wondering what unreal material these guys could have produced as we are forced to watch Carrot-top press on each and everyday like an unflappable Confederate front line.

Below is Geraldo insulting and outsmarting a so called better comedian Dennis Leary.  It's one of the many times Greg made dumb fucking Americans say, "who is this funny guy insulting one of the great comedians of our time?"  Well that "guy" IS one of the great comedians of our time.  Or should I say was.  RIP good sir.

Best Picture Ever?

Define Ironic: Coke Whore arrested for being ... well, a Coke Whore

Well , well, well, looky at what we got here.  Last night everyone's favorite inflatable sex toy with a heartbeat got arrested for possession of a little sniff sniff.

according to People:
Paris Hilton was arrested Friday night in Las Vegas for possession of a controlled substance after cocaine was found in her purse, a police spokesman says.  Hilton, 29, was arrested shortly before midnight on Las Vegas Boulevard after police pulled over a vehicle that Hilton was in. The hotel heiress was not driving.

 (exhibit 1)

Shouldn't this hole be arrested on site for possession?  Look at that face and body.  If it doesn't scream "coke whore" the same way the sight of Rex Ryan screams cardiac arrest, just call me Miles Davis.  Figuring out if this butter-face (is that two words or one?) is a rich cunt or a high class hooker who will steal all your blow is tougher than than finding a straight women on a roller derby team.  

But as Nicholson said in the Departed, "when you're staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, what's the difference?"  

Or was that barrel just a rolled up hundred?

Cooper's Voice - Greatest Dude Presidents

According to a CNN poll done by ... well CNN, Abraham Lincoln is the greatest President of all time. I have always had a soft spot for Honest Abe, being how he was tall and gangly much like myself. I even dressed up like him for Halloween last year. Some say its hard to make tuxedos, bow ties, giant fake moles and top hats look good, but I believe I was the sexiest man to ever rock the outfit. Nonetheless, I have a few honorable mentions that I think should be brought up in my favorite presidents list.

1.) James Buchanan (AKA Jimmy Buchs)- This guy was named our nation’s WORST president simply because he watched helplessly as the nation lurched toward civil war in the 1850s. But I'm not to concerned with things like that. This guy was cool for two reasons (1) he was from Pennsylvania like yours truly and (2) He is the only single male to ever hold office. Are we really surprised that he didn’t do a great job? He was to busy crushing ass in the oval office to worry about silly things like politics and war. Through 1857-1861, I am willing to bet that the White House looked more like Hugh Hefner’s playboy mansion grotto than a place where executive orders were dished out.  Jimmy Buchs, you my friend are a true American.  You used your power and status for personal gain (sex) over the well being of your fellow man AKA the nation.  We salute you sir.

2.) Bill Clinton- Bill Clinton was THE man. If you don’t like him its simple: YOU HATE MAKING MONEY AND YOU'RE PROBABLY AN UGLY WOMAN. Cigars in ladies no-no spots, stained dresses, and redefining the word “sex” in the American psyche. You can’t touch that. Plus, he got away with ALL of it, including making everyone believe he didn't "inhale".  You gotta respect that.  The only thing that goes against Bill is that Hillary kinda sucks and was always over his shoulder. I feel as though if I hung out with him I would constantly be lying for him so that he wouldn’t get yelled at by the wife. Nonetheless, he still partied pretty hard.

3.) JFK- This is really a no brainer. He solved the Cuban missile crisis, started getting dudes on the moon, and did all kinds of other cool stuff that I would know more about if I read books. However, what makes him so solid is that he was one of the few presidents to use his celebrity status to hang out with Hollywood types. He drank with Sinatra and the rest of the rat pack for Christ's sake. But his biggest accomplishment would be banging Marilyn Monroe, who was the biggest sex symbol of his generation.  And when he was through with that broad, he slid her over to his baby bro. That would be like Obama nailing Megan Fox and then saying, "leave it on the dresser baby I"m done wit you." Simply because of this awesome fact, I am willing to forget the “Bay of Pigs”.

4.) William Taft- This guy is cool simply because he was so god damn fat. At 335 pounds, he weighs in as America’s fattest president. He once got caught in the white house bath tub and they had to break it to get him out. I am basically envisioning Chris Farley as the president of the United States of America when I think of Taft (minus the dead hookers and 8 balls, well we don't really know if Willy T partied like that or not) so that’s cool to me.

5.) Reagan- he was an actor before being Prez and was in a movie called “Bedtime for Bonzo” which starred a monkey. That’s right, he was SECOND bill to a monkey. He was basically the “man in the yellow hat” from the “curious george” books and somehow got enough political credibility to get in the oval office. This still blows my mind. Lets put this in perspective. That would be like Barack Obama starring in the original “Air Bud” movie and then getting to be president. That’s hard to do, so that’s why Reagan makes the list

These five men embody America in my opinion. Don’t tread on them.

The REAL Big Names are Heading to Miami

Reports have come out that MY favorite Cav .... scratch that, my favorite player in the NBA, Zydrunas Ilgauskas will be joining Lebron James and the Miami Heat.  Now my college roommates can vouch for me, that while being forced to watch endless Cavs games I repeatedly claimed Z was the deciding factor in the success of the team.  They would return with comments such as, "go fuck yourself" and "you have a huge dick".  I never understood the second part all that much, but who am I?

I guess I'm not the only one that thought Lebron couldn't win without Ilgauskas.  God damn I got it going on today!

Drunk Ernie Photo of the Week

Ern calls this the Raptor dance.  Very formal attire for Ernie I have to say.

well there's gold and there's gold:

sometimes you can't say anything at all.  you just sit back and soak it all in.  this is one of those times.




i told you.

Manute Bol - good for more than touching really high things.

Well it's a sad day for the world when some one of Manute Bol's size dies.  And I'm not talking about his physical stature, but the size of his contributions to the world through his humanitarian efforts and his overall presence.  Manute, best known for having more blocked shots than points in the NBA, fighting the Fridge in a boxing match, and playing minor league hockey.  Two of the three listings were to raise money for his native Sudan.  For being some one that seldom looks like they don't have a soul, I don't even want to say a bad thing about Manute.  (And trust me, the jokes are firing off in my head at an unbelievable pace)

Did Manute Bol create the phrase, "My Bad."?

Now it has been widely discussed, and some say most definitely.  Others say that it was around a decade before Bol started using it during his playing days in the late 80's.  All I'm saying, is that if he came up with the phrase, he just moved past Don Rickles into 7th place on my list of favorite people. 

A Lovely Piece of Crap, AKA The Lovely Bones

We all love movies.

We all love mysteries right? Mysteries that involve a murder, and a creepy murderer living among our everyday lives, played by a character actor that can pull off the performance. Mysteries that have Hollywood heavy weight Peter Jackson attached to direct and produce.
A film on the verge of great entertainment and suspense is on the brink.

Enter Mark Wahlberg.

Your new Mark Wahlberg mystery is .....

A story about a brutal murder of a 14 year old girl and a creepy neighbor that commits the crime in a cornfield. We are still on track for a very good movie, eh? Enter Marky Mark. Your film now has a father that can't believe his daughter is missing. Cue MW's dumbfounded look of confusion from The Happening. You know the one where he is trying to figure out the script, act really hard, figure out how to act really hard, and act very poorly, all at the same time. Yes that look. So now you really know and believe that this guy has lost his daughter. Remember, this is one of the worst experiences some one could ever go through, so why not use a thespian that showed the depths of Chris "Izzy" Cole in Rock Star. (only time I was slightly entertained in that movie was when the chick was peeing standing up.) Now is when things get better. Walhburg is a deep father, that bonds with his daughter through the only practice one can get the attention of a teenage girl. Building model ships in bottles. (Lord knows that's how my dad and sister spent countless hours in our basement, building something completely useless. I wasn't allowed to come down and help because I was a boy.) Well we sure know that those little bottles won't be destroyed when Walhberg acts like he, "just can't take it anymore." Mark you worked so hard on them, you lost your daughter, don't lose your dream of becoming a professional model ship in a bottle builder. Because if that happens, then she died for nothing.

• Mark Walhberg having an Oscar Nomination is worse than ... you guessed it. Having your daughter murdered by a creepy neighbor in a cornfield.

Wait, strike that reverse it. Mark Walhberg having an Oscar Nomination is worse than watching a movie starring Mark Walhberg about having your daughter murdered by a creepy neighbor in a cornfield.

Drunk Ernie Photo of the Week

I would have to say that might be one of the greatest shirts to ever wear to a bar. We did make a rule that night that sleeves were not allowed. Pretty much a gun show.

Drunken Ernie Picture of the Week

I don't want to make this one of those blogs that's written by a guy sitting with his laptop in his pajamas and between JO sessions, making posts about girls that I hate and want to kick in the face with a golf spike. I want to make this something different, and something that makes me laugh, not you. In all honesty this is for me, so fuck off. So now I'm going to include some one close to me each week. My old pal Ernie will be featured each week on the site.

Enjoy.

ruining our lives with her music is not the worst she can do

So great news for smashing pumpkins fans, and anyone that enjoys good music. But before we get to that, lets talk about something else. Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are dating? Really? Two things about that:

1. I have now lost all respect I had for Corgan.
2. I didn't think Billy Corgan was famous enough to date JC.
3. oh I'm throwing in a third one here, honestly I didn't know she was still living in the U.S.
4. I thought he had AIDS? Wait that's just the look he's going for? well that's cool.
5. Who do you think weights more?
6. How much do you think his friends make fun of him?
7. she's fat
8. Nick Lachey sure looks like an old Albert Einstein now huh?

• This brings up another interesting thought. Which family did it take longer to realize vanished off the planet?

The Ozbornes or The Simpsons?


But don't worry people of earth, this awful situation does more than just affect the fans of the Smashing Pumpkins, but all of us. News is that Simpson is in the studio helping Corgan write songs for his new album. I'm sorry? It's more true that you ever wanted it to be, click here.

Ok I can't help myself, here we go again:

1. She can write?
2. I didn't know Corgan was that desperate and had such a bad case of writers block
3. I get it, Billy needs a good laugh
4. This guy is going to ruin his credibility to fuck something that was hot 5 years ago? If you're going to do that, just bang Lindsey Lohan, at least she would just sit in the corner strung out while you worked on your songs.
5. She didn't write HER songs, so how is she going to do this?
6. Does this mean a new reality show for MTV?


Well, today now sucks ass doesn't it?