PHILLIES ARE WORLD CHAMPS

Being born and raised in the city of brotherly love, I have to say today is better than the day after i lost my V card. I was only a few months old when the Sixers won, so you understand how I'm bouncing off the walls about a team that has given me so much heart ache throughout the years. Oh I also flew home from Denver to be at all three home games. I mean 2 and 2/3 home games. My flight brought me back to the mile high city early Tuesday morning. Leaving yours truly sitting in limbo and bone crushing misery. To catch you up to speed here's a few things to check out.

the 9th inning from section 142 ... video

need a new starting pitcher and 2nd baseman in about 20 years? click here

If you envy Cole Hamels enough already, he goes and wins the World Series MVP ... he has this

These girls hold the Phillies balls during every home stand

Also check out some other hot things to come out of philly

Some great brotherly love expressed here

My personal favorite for endless coverage ... go to the 700 level.

DID HE OR DIDN'T HE?

Did Magic Johnson really have AIDS? I mean honestly, the man seems fine to me. Oh I've started off with an incorrect term. He "claimed" to have HIV, so lets start over. Did Magic Johnson really have HIV? He walks around like nothing has changed in his life. First he retires because no one in the NBA wanted him bleeding all over them. Players, Referees, Ball Boys, Cheerleaders, fans within the first 6 rows of the court. And that's understandable, I wouldn't want Magic Johnson's AIDS, I mean, HIV blood all over me. Or would I? If you think about it, it really just isn't any old HIV blood now is it? It's Magic Johnson's HIV blood. That might be worth something, huh? Or maybe it wouldn't matter because Magic Johnson HIV blood is a rare form that isn't very potent or is cured by penicillin or chicken noodle soup. Maybe he did have HIV, and cured it with Magic. I mean his name is Magic Johnson. Doesn't that make him a Magician? David Blaine could cure himself of AIDS, but I'm not too sure about David Copperfield or Chris Angel. So, a few years later, Magic comes back to the league, and the worry of flying HIV blood is no longer an issue. Did the world go mad? That shit is still in there man. Or maybe everyone in the stands had already thought what just starting to realize now. There's no threat from Magic Johnson's HIV blood, everyone had Cambell's soup at home.

THE TOY

If you have some time at this moment read along. If you don’t then wait for another day where you aren’t so caught up in your selfish life of work and masturbation on a couch while watching Internet porn or Cinamax After Dark, to culture yourself in some knowledge the good Lord has blessed this young man with. Ok now that we have weeded out those individuals that use Myspace as a constant search engine for that “special” some one. I was thinking today while I was walking to my car, don’t ask me why, about the movie, The Toy. A mildly successful comedy from 1982 (one year before I emerged from my mother’s vaginal canal) staring Richard Pryor and Jackie Gleason. The premises is that Gleason, a wealthy man, Hires Richard Pryor to play and entertain his spoiled child because no tangible gift has ever satisfied the brat. Now you know the movie think about this: A rich man “purchases” a black man, to entertain his only son. Yes you read that correctly, he “purchases” a black man to work as an entertainer for his little boy. Everyday, he has to show up at their mansion, and do whatever the kid wants all day every day. Something about this reminds of something I read about in say, 7th grade history class. Something that rhymes with “bravery” I believe, but I’m not sure. So I started to picture the writer pitching this movie to Columbia Pictures, the film company that produced the film. “So I got this movie. A rich man can’t please his son, and has more money than he knows what to do with. So to please his son, he, get this, buys him a real life size black man to play with!” How did this movie ever get made? How did anyone think this was a good fucking idea? “Oh yeah, you know I think you got something here my man. I think we should also maybe have him like up on some sort of stage before he is bought too.” Watching this movie I did think to myself, “ self I think the only thing that would ever REALLY be a good old time would be to have my own personal black man that would do whatever I wanted, or my daddy would hurt him and his family.” So in closing I feel that America isn’t the democratic republic that it claims to be if every white Christian boy doesn’t have their very own personal black man to play with daily. I mean what kind of society denies their youth the learning experience of bossing around a minority for a few hours a day. Wait actually Pryor was forced to sleep there every night, away from his wife and family, so yeah this movie was pretty much “bravery” wasn’t it?

A BROCATS GUIDE TO RAILING CHICKS

Coop is the type of cat that was born without a soul, without a moral compass. the type of guy that will tell a girl to meet him at a bar downtown and have no intention of ever showing up. And in turn leaving her at a bar alone with no ride home (true story by the way). So for all you guys that are taking the same train to hell with my boy, here's a guide to get some cheap ass from the best friend of a girl you have previously tagged. Coop, take it away......

I have thought long and hard about this. Women secretly hate each other, so it's easy to break this fake bond they pretend to have with one another and exploit them for your own personal benefit. My advice can be laid out in a 3 step plan

1.) SEPARATE THEM AT THE BEGINNING: Take each one out and work the “you are special” angle. Tell each one some intimate secret about yourself. This will create the illusion of trust and, therefore, she will less willing to use information AGAINST you. If she thinks others will think less of you (including her friend) she will keep a lot of your personal conversations just that: PERSONAL. Remember this: The spreading of information is your enemy!
2.) COMBINE THEM IN A SOCIAL SETTING: Make sure that they are both out at a bar. Here you can flirt with both of them equally. (NOTE: Do this when they are still somewhat sober) However, don’t be too over the top. Send out small comments like “I would be crazy not to think you are good looking” or “you and me always have a good time. Plus, your hot so it makes me look cool to be with you.” Such quotes are self-effacing and, therefore, create the false-appearance that you are vulnerable and sweet, when in reality you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Make sure that the other girl SEES you flirt, but does not HEAR you flirt. This will trigger her primal woman instinct and will make her POSSESSIVE. At this point the work has been done. The women, evening if only subconsciously, will hate each other and you are the golden boy. However, do not make any advances on either subject at this time. THIS IS CRUCIAL
3.) “ACCIDENTAL RUN-IN WITH THE HOTTER GIRL”- This is where you can “storm the beaches of Normandy”, so to speak. Find out from an outside source where she is one time without talking to her. Text messages are a bad idea in this instance because they can document your improper advances. Have a friend figure it out indirectly and show up WITH your boys. This will show that you have no evil motive. You are just out with your buddies. At this point, you have already broken down what I call “Berlin wall of v#g” and resistance will be minimal. She is already comfortable with you and somewhere back in her mind she is angry at her friend. Now you can resort to your normal tactic of getting her smashed and taking her home while intoxicated. RED BULL VODKAS ALWAYS AROUSE THE SPIRIT

NOTE: THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TACTIC WILL ALLOW YOU TO GET ONE, TWO, MAYBE THREE (MAX) ROMPS BEFORE YOU ARE FOUND OUT. AT THAT POINT YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION. YOU’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO

PB HOUR OF POWER

As much as I loath Coop being correct on virtually anything, i have to give it to him. Pat Burrell came through last night in the biggest game to ever be played at CBP. His homer in the 6th gave the Phils the lead and eventually the victory. Now Burrell needs to get some sleep on tonight's red eye to LA, so when he arrives at LAX he is refreshed to hit the town and slay some vag. He needs to find Mia Hamm (Nomar Garciaparra's Wife) meat wallet, and take a one way ticket to poon village. By the way, with the Babe's help the Phillies can play .500 baseball the rest of the way and they would go to the World Series. To get some great stuff on game one check out the 700 level.

The Phillies and Dodgers begin their NLCS series tonight at Citizen Bank Park in South Philly. Now I'm bias being from the city of brotherly love, and growing up a die-hard Phighten fan all my life. Yes we have had our fair share of losses throughout the years, 10,000 plus but who's counting. My buddy Coop still lives and breathes the Phils, and here are a few things the boys in pinstripes need to follow to find their way into the World Series .....





Coops keys to the game OFF THE FIELD.

1.) Pat Burrell needs to sleep with all the wives of ALL the dodgers players by game 4. Being how Pat the Bat is a native to California, I don’t see this being a problem. He obviously understands the psyche of the California housewife and can achieve pound town status within seconds of the first conversation. This should not be an issue.
2.) Myers must try not to beat up his wife OFF THE FIELD so that he can stay ON the field. She travels with him to all the road games, so this could be difficult if she starts to nag. Personally I would like to keep her at home when they get to LA. Its just too tempting for Brett when he sleeps next to his own personal punching bag. In fact, I think he even called her “my own personal punching bag” in their wedding vows.
3.) Moyer needs to take Viagra and needs to take down Joe Torre’s wife. I think he is the only player that is in her age bracket and Moyer hasn’t had an erection since Woodstock. Nonetheless, with that little blue pill I see this happening easily.
4.) J Roll- Needs to keep his mouth shut so that we don’t get another “front running incident” or else I will personally burn all of his Tupac du-rags.

If we can do this, series should be a cake walk

Your Face Isn't Always On Your Head

I was taking a number two at work the other day (if you work in an office building you already know that you must avoid taking to the stalls in-between 1:00 and 3:30, that's the death zone) So I was in the death zone the other day, couldn't help it. As I'm going, I hear the most horrifying sounds coming from the stall directly next to me. I mean sounds that would make wild animals cringe. Take the most wrong fart jokes from television and film and multiply that by say, 34. Now if you're the person doing this crime to a toilet, you can take solace that as long as you stay in the stall until everyone is out of the bathroom, you can make a clean get-a-way and no one knows a thing. But not when at a place of business that makes you wear an ID badge. When I heard the sounds of a 1,000 screams coming from just beyond a thin piece of material, I did what any normal person would do. I looked down. Right there sitting nicely on top of his shoe was his name Scott Johnson and his smiling 40-something face. Do you see the problem here? Now every time I see Scott Johnson in the building I have a sound to go with that face. And not only a sound, but a mental image that has kept me up some nights. I can never shake this man's hand, or look him in the eye. No good professional relationship can ever come of us now, with a friendship far out of the question. So a tip for all you kids out there; when taking a crap in the corporate world, put that little badge in your pocket before you drop trow.

College story of the day

I spent the better part of a decade enrolled at THE Ohio State University, and throughout those many endless nights and football Saturdays I've encountered quite the fair share of co-eds being co-eds. So with that in mind every now and then I'm going to post a story or incident that occurred during my tenure for my own recollection and your amusement.

Year: Week 2, Freshman year
Cast: Me
Dano (my roommate, and one of, wait no, the hairiest man in North American)
Creepy Kyle (Asian fellow that loves church as well as moshing at your local death metal show)

Dano is sleeping in his bottom bunk as i sleep on the top bunk. We are taking a nap and watching News Radio re-runs (very underrated show by the way) It's a dorm so i guess we didn't close our door all the way, most likely because our neighbor uses my computer to look up porn so HIS doesn't get a virus. Well I awake to Creepy Kyle standing right up against the side of my metal bunk, staring at me. Now he's a good 7 or 8 inches from my face, just staring. With the most calm, I'm not doing anything fucking insane at all, look in his face. I proceed to say, and why wouldn't I, "What are you doing Kyle?" And he says with the tone and poise of Hannibal Lector, "Just watching you sleep buddy." Just watching you sleep buddy? Buddy? Who the hell is this guy? After he said it, he just walks out. Oh and whistling, i forgot that. When he's gone, I look down below me to Dano, and start to say, "Did you..." and he chimes right in to say, "Yeah i fucking saw that. i thought the next line out of his mouth was, "I'm going to kill your family with an axe..... buddy."