STAND UP AND GET DOWN

At my work I would have to say that everyone knows a lot about TV and the movies, considering we all work in television. So with decent taste in all of that, most of my friends at work have similar taste in stand up as well. So I figured I would ask a few of them who their all-time favorites are. Little did they know that their selections would result in how I feel towards them as friends. Let's see where they all stand.

Ernie -

1. Richard Pryor
2. Steven Wright
3. Jim Gaffigan
4. Jerry Seinfeld
5. Mitch Hedberg

comment: I would call his style old school. He digs the classics as you can see. But how do you have the classics without George Carlin? I deduct 7 friend points.

Ron -

1. George Carlin
2. Lewis Black
3. Bill Cosby
4. Bob Saget
5. Dave Attell

comment: Wow! With this list we sure can tell Ron loves comedians that know how to bitch about life. Kind of fits Ron's personality to a "T". I deduct 11 friend points.

Gary -

1. Mitch Hedberg
2. Brian Regan
3. Chris Rock
4. Dave Attell
5. Nick Swardson

comment: I really like the wide variety he has going here. I enjoy everyone on this list, and praise him for keeping the streak of one black man on each list going. Got to keep up the quota. zero friend points lost.

Adam -

1. Richard Pryor
2. Jim Carry
3. Dave Chappelle
4. Lewis Black
5. Eddie Murphy

comment: The streak is broken! AW comes in and throws us 3 African-Americans on his list. You have to dig that. But I'm also seeing a little DC bias, while he has Chappelle and Black, both natives on his list. 2 friend points lost.

Frank -

1. Chris Rock
2. Sam Kinison
3. Andrew Dice Clay
4. Jim Gaffigan
5. Jeff Foxworthy

comment: Now this is a list. Frank is trapped in the 80's it seems and i dig that about him. And just like that we're back. Only one black man is back on the list. But for the insanity of this list, 14 friend points gained.

Matt -

1. George Carlin
2. Dave Chappelle
3. Eddie Murphy
4. Steve Martin
5. Eddie Izzard

comment: I'm just happy that Steve Martin made some one's list. Overall a very solid list. 1 friend point gained.


I'm surprised to see the the kings of comedy were not on anyone's list? Why is that? And the other thing I'm so thankful for is the Dane "Fucking" Cook and Carlos Mensia were no where to be found. Because that was the case I didn't lose any friends today.

COOPER'S VOICE

I was watching HBO the other day and was going back and forth between "Gladiator" and "Braveheart." I then started to ask myself this question: Who was cooler?

EXPERIENCE/FIGHTING SKILLS: This goes to Maximus. As far as I know William Wallace only fought in two, maybe three major battles. Maximus was the major general in the Roman Army. It takes time to climb the ranks like that. So I am assuming he was in more major battles than William Wallace. According to Braveheart, most of the fights were small skirmishes. Its like comparing the Invasion of Normandy to the time I hit my college roommate in the balls and ran into the bathroom stall and locked myself in there for safety. Just not the same.

ADVANTAGE MAXIMUS

ORATORY SKILLS- Gladiator could never top the "take our lives but never take our freedom" speech from Braveheart. That speech was right up there with King Henry's "St Crispin Day" speech, the "win one for the gipper speech", Bluto’s speech in "Animal House," and any speech that Jay Wright has ever given to my Villanova wildcats before the second half.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

CHICKS: This has to go to Braveheart. Maximus' wife may have been a prize piece back in the day but he could never move on to something fresh. Sure, William Wallace was a little whipped and pretty much fought and started a war because the English killed his wife, but the same could be for Russell Crowe in Gladiator. At least William Wallace gave the ultimate F-you to the king of England by tagging his son's wife. Maximus didn't even have the stones to make a move on the sister of the emperor, even when she tried to KISS him. William Wallace fired one home and knocked up the princess of England. Style points.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

ARMOR/Overall Fashion Sense: This is close but I go with William Wallace. They both kinda wear queer skirts, but I am a fan of plaid so I think kilts are cooler than the mini-toga skirts that gladiators wore. William Wallace also wore face paint and he made it look intimidating. Replace blue with green paint and that guy would be tough enough for the 700 level of Veteran’s Stadium.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

WEAPONS- Braveheart had that huge kickass sword. Maximus only had that little thing. From what the ladies tell me, size matters.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

I thought this would be closer, but it looks like Braveheart runs away with it.

Random College Story # 2 Part 1

I spent the better part of a decade enrolled at THE Ohio State University, and throughout those many endless nights and football Saturdays I've encountered quite the fair share of co-eds being co-eds. So with that in mind every now and then I'm going to post a story or incident that occurred during my tenure for my own recollection and your amusement.

Year: Second Sophomore year
Cast: Me, Roommates - Steve, Brian, Steve's little brother (still in high school), His buddy, Steve's girlfriend (more than a shade off at the time)

We lived on the south side of campus. Not the safest part of town. I believe two to three cars were stolen right out of our driveway while we were living there. I remember having to kick bums off our front porch coach on some what of a regular basis. Yeah that kind of area. So it's any old Friday night and we are at the house playing beer pong on my sweet ass beer pong table that I made with sweat and man strength. Now my roommate Steve and I are on a role, and when you are rolling you don't mess with that. Because everyone knows that you can get cold in beer pong in a matter of seconds. Steve my partner is no where to be found. All I can see in my family room, Steve's little brother passed out on the couch we found in the ally, puking into a trash can; Waiting to play, my hairy Jewish former roommate in the corner with a guitar and a gallon jug of red wine and my current Jew roommate trying to talk like a large sexy black man on the phone to chicks trying to get them to come over and "spin his dreidel" as he would call it. No Steve in sight, but I do hear some arguing upstairs. It's Steve and His hole fighting about God knows what. I wanting to play the next game and have had a few too many Jack and Cokes while playing, decide to yell up to them. "Hey Steve, tell that Bitch to shut the fuck up and come down here and play pong." That apparently is not a very good sentence to say to a girl that is out of her fucking mind. She tells me to fuck off, and screams that Steve is beating her. Which by the way is so not true. I go upstairs to get him to come down. This is when I get punched in the face by her. (class broad) While we are upstairs there's a knock at the door. My other roommate Brian goes to answer it. This night is already ridiculous, so why wouldn't an Asian man dressed like a cowboy be standing at the door looking for my roommate's girlfriend? Apparently she called this Asian John Wayne to come and pick her up. Well Brian being the younger brother of one of a small time drug dealer, Said "You ain't coming in this house unless you know some one who lives here." The Asian proceeds to push his way past my roommate to the bottom of the stairs. he sees us at the top of the stairs and pulls out his knife. And says no lie, "this is getting used tonight." Brain hears that and just takes this idiot out. Tackles him down the stairs, and drags him outside. When this happens, the girl runs into Steve's room and slams the door. Now I'm sitting at the top of the steps alone, with Brain outside with the Asian Cowboy, and Steve trying to knock down his bedroom door. And you know what, i still want to play beer pong.

Next thing I know is Steve is sprinting by me down the steps. I;m thinking she is chasing him with some sort of object. But she never comes around the corner. So I get up and walk into Steve's room. I push the door open slowly and on guard. (I've already been slugged once by this chick) I don't see here in the room. All I see is the window open, and the curtains blowing ever so calmly in the wind. "No Fucking Way!" I run to the window and look down. All I see is a broken screen laying on the front lawn and no crazy girl. Then I hear a voice from across the street. "Dude she hung there for a second kicking your siding, then fell. Laid there a second. Then ran away. It was awesome." (That was some stoner dude sitting on his roof across the street.) In my head I'm thinking this can't get any better can it?


Stay Tuned for Part 2 Later This Week

Ernie's Video Library

My buddy Ern is a big laugh attack. he loves to chuckle and no homo has the cutest face when he does it. So here are a few clips that Ern can't get enough of .... 3, .... 2, .... 1 start watching

dogs humping and puking. click here

Monkey doesn't like the smell of his butt. click here

Brokeback Mountain starring Marty Mcfly. click here

Now this takes awhile but it's worth the wait. Bible video games. enough said. click here

And Ern himself. Click here.

COOPER'S VOICE

I am a Notre Dame fan and root hard for Brady Quinn. I respect his athletic ability as well as his overall ability to scoop up chicks AT WILL. A friend of mine just asked me who will be Brady Quinn’s first celebrity girlfriend now that he is the starter for the Cleveland Browns and this got me thinking: Does Brady Quinn nail a celeb chick just for the sake of hotness or does he nail a celeb chick for straight–up Darwinism?



Brady Quinn could get in the pants of pretty much any young chick in Hollywood. His movie star looks, awesome athletic prowess and Notre Dame-educated mind make him irresistible to any woman that walks this earth who is not attracted to Ellen Degeneres (and even there I believe that he can convert some of them back to our team). He has no doubt been TEARING through the Cleveland bar scene since the draft and could show up to bars just wearing a tube sock and leave with 2 chicks on each arm in under 5 minutes. He's been slinging webs all over the women of the mistake by the lake. However, I think that this may actually work AGAINST him as far as getting it on with actresses/models. Things have been to easy for him and he can always find a HOTTER chick, so I think at this point he will just look for a better GENETIC match. AJ Hawk of the packers has been sticking it to Brady Quinn’s sister for years and they will undoubtedly give birth to an amazingly athletic child. Brady is not one to be beaten and surely sees this as a competition. He will have to find a woman that is an attractive Olympic high jumper or somebody like that to breed a super athlete that can challenge AJ Hawks offspring. I recommend Maria Sharapova or Jennie Finch. These girls are amazing athletes and have hotness to compliment their skills. Jennie Finch may be the better candidate because she obviously has arm strength because she is a pitcher. If you add that to the firepower that is Brady Quinn’s right arm you are looking at the most powerful arm in the history of man. She might be married to a MLB pitcher, but he is sub par at best on the field and in the sack. Once Jennie looks into the brilliant eyes of Quinn, her panties will instantly dissolve right off her body. Because that's what Brady does, he's a panty killer. That kid will be handed the Heisman as soon as he leaves the womb.

Being a baggage operator at an airport is the only job you can be just "ok" at and it's perfectly fine. People get upset when they don't get their bags, but they really don't and can't do anything about it. "Your bags aren't here, we are sorry for your inconvenience." And people just have to be ok with that. I mean what really can you do? Where did the bag go? And you know that every person you talk to has no clue who actually moved your bag from point A to B. So you really are fucked. You can't go to a bank and ask for your money in your account and they say; "We don't know where it is, but we'll get it back to you when we find it."

In the wake of UFC 91 ... some thoughts

Why do boxers or UFC fighters always hug after one of them wins? You see one guy get the shit kicked out of them and the ref stops the fight so they don't die. Then what do you see? The guy hugs the man that just beat the crap out of him. How does that work? If some dude just beat my ass, and i lost out on a lot of money from it at the same time, i wouldn't hug the dude. Once the ref said the fight was over, i would turn right around and deck the guy in the face. Why don't we ever see that?

Cooper's Voice

If you've read this blog the last few weeks, you've realized that the Robin to my Batman, the Herpes to my cold sore, the Affleck to my Damon, Coop has had quite the little man crush on a certain left fielder for the now World Champion Philadelphia Phillies, Pat Burrell. Burrell is a free agent and the question is if he'll be in Phillies pinstripes next season. Here are 5 reasons Coop thinks the Babe should stay in the cradle of freedom ......

A lot of people think that the Phillie's can survive without our left fielder Pat the Bat next year. As long as Pat has been here, left field has been a place where fly balls and virgins go to disappear. Here is why the Phils NEED Pat Burrell

1.) RECORDS/PHILLIES LORE- Pat Burrell is a legend in Phillies baseball history. He is fourth on the all time Phillies home run hits list. All he does is break records and hymens. That’s all he knows. Furthermore, he is even nicknamed “the babe”. Pat is part of our legacy and getting rid of him is the Philadelphia equivalent of the Sox getting rid of Babe Ruth. You trade Pat, get ready to be cursed.

2.) ECONOMICS- Pat Burrell is a well respected boozehound in the Philadelphia area. He drinks bud heavies in old city practically every night of the week. Lets assume that beers are 4 dollars a piece (most beers are in this pricey part of town, especially at the “Irish pub” where pat frequents) and lets also assume he tips at least 20 percent. Pat also has been known to enjoy shots of Patron. Lets estimate that Pat Burrell probably purchases 20 beers a night (19 for him and one bottle for a lady only so he can use the beer bottle on her later as a sexual device). Lets also be casual and say that he only does 5 shots of Patron at 8.50 a pop. Lets be even MORE conservative and assume he only does this for three quarters of year and takes 1/4^th of the nights off in a year (ridiculous concept that he takes OFF nights but I am just talking numbers here). By my math, that takes away 37,914.38 cents away from old city bars. As previously mentioned, pat’s favorite bar is the Irish pub (one of the most popular bars in the area) and lets assume that 75 percent of his total bar spending occur there. That means the Irish Pub will lose 28,435.78 cents of its total earnings and would surely go under as a business. If this bar goes down, then surrounding bars will go down due to less spillover attendance. As a result of fewer bars, the entire restaurant/ service industry will suffer in Philadelphia and the city will find itself in economic ruin. Those are numbers. Mathematics are the one universal constant. Pat needs to stay for thousands to have jobs. Don’t be selfish Phillies organization. If these people don’t have jobs, no one will buy tickets to the games.

3.) SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES- Three quarters of the women in Philly will not be sexually satisfied if Pat leaves. Sure he is married now, but we all know that the only ring that matters to him is his world series ring that he won this year. With thousands of women not able to satisfied by Pat Burrell, they will logically turn to lesbianism because they will not be able to even look at another man and compare him to “The Bat”. As a result, women will stop breeding with men and the human race will be extinct in Philadelphia within the next ten years. Pat needs to stay for our VERY SURVIVAL.

4.) THE CONTINUATION OF AMERICA’S PASTIME- It’s a well known fact that the ladies that work as the sexy ballgirls at citizen’s bank ballpark are infatuated with Pat Burrell. They all have a crush on him and want to get down in the worst way. If Pat is gone, then the ball girls will quit. Not a big deal you say? WRONG! Without ball girls all the players will be forced to chase after their own foul balls, therefore making the game take HOURS LONGER. America is already concerned with the length of the game. Once all the other owners realize that they can save money by not using ball girls, they will all follow the Phillies example. No one will be able to sit around for an 8 hour game of baseball and no one will buy tickets to the games. The game itself will be destroyed. Pat needs to stay for baseball to survive as America’s game. Fact!

5.) LOCKER ROOM LEADERSHIP- Pat Burrell is the alpha male of the Phillies squad, as well as the unquestioned leader. All the guys look up to him because of his ability to party and get chicks. He is also the guy who gets all the other players out to the bar to blow off steam. If he doesn’t get those guys to the bar with him a couple nights out of the week, the entire team will become giant balls of stress and will have no mental stability. Also, they will not get as much tail because they can’t nail Pat Burrell’s Phillies Phallout P*ssy. With all that testosterone built up in their systems they will not be able to focus even more. They will become angry and will start to beat their wives. They will then be placed in jail and we will have no team. This squad can only function with ONE Brett Myers, not an entire squad of Ike Turners. Pat needs to stay for this team to win/stay out of jail.

RESIGN PAT THE BAT OR DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.