From the Archives

I found this other day when I spent a hot minute on myspace. Does anyone other than petter-asses use that site these days? Anyway, I found this on my blog on there, and thought it was kind of funny, so here it is from the archives of America's Detour .....

Well something happened. Something that will turn this crazy world we all know upside down. Something more shocking than finding a dead Australian born actor in a bed naked, OD'ed on sleeping pills and pain killers. Oh yeah, if you didn't know, Heath Ledger is like JFK dead. Dead Dead. Anyways, I don't know if everyone heard the news, I did because I'm on her mailing list and I'm recording secretary of her fan club, but the one and only Jenna Jameson is PREGNANT! With a real human kid, no donkey human hybrid. So when I found out it really got the thoughts spinning in my head like lottery balls. (Balls in or around my head and face is not cool now that I think about it.) How the fuck did this happen? One would think that her vaginal cavity is as baron as the fucking Sudan. I thought you would have a better chance trying to grow a God damn dandelion out there, than sperm finding its way to what I thought were something that resembled Easter Eggs found sometime in late May. And then you have to take into account the actual size of that region. Any woman outside of the porn industry and say my girlfriends should have a birth canal that would resemble say, a Dixie cup. So I feel that Tito's sperm (Oh she is dating Tito Ortiz the Ultimate Fighter. And I don't know about you but can you say Learning Disabilities for this little shit?) Would have to search like Indiana Jones to find an egg to latch onto. By the way, didn't everyone think she had AIDS the way she has been losing weight and quitting porn? (no one quits porn, you're just told to leave) I had her in my AIDS pool at work actually. Why would Tito want to be in that disease ridden zone without at least wearing a box of rubbers or a one piece latex body suit? Think of the amount of nut that has been in that woman? I mean think about it. I'm thinking a backyard swimming pool, with a mother fucking deep end. I mean I know in porn dudes pull out and do there biz all over the room, so with that in mind, now think about it. This is going to be one rich ass kid though. Jenna makes some where in the vicinity of 30 mill a year. So this kid is going to have all the golden dildo teething toys he can handle. And if it's a girl, boy does she have the career to strive for. By the way, I'm thinking its going to be hard to keep this little coke induced fetus in her uterus for nine months. I'm thinking some time around the 5^th month this fucker might just fall right out while Jenna's at the grocery store or at bridge club. A) Tito Jr. is wet and slimy and B) Jenna could hide a football helmet in an empty room naked. It's gravity folks, I didn't invent it, Newton did. So lastly can anyone say Prego-Porn? Because I can't think of any other way this Kid could be more fucked

Prego-Porn, Prego Porn, Prego-Porn (say it 3 times fast)

Seacrest out

Yankee's Baseball = By the Numbers

Does anyone else really hope the Yankees don't even make the playoffs next year?

• Did you know that A-Rod (28 million), CC Sabathia (23 million), Teixeira (22.5 million) and Jeter (21.6 million), will each by themselves make more money than the Florida Marlins entire team did 2008?

• If their team plane crashed, sorting out all those wills and where all that money is going to go will probably take a really long time.
• I think New York's big 3, A-Rod, Jeter, and CC, should donate some money to help out America's big 3.
• Now with Teixeira in pinstripes, how long before Madonna drops A-Rod for him? Have you seen the man's cheek bones, come on.
• Speaking of money, did you know that according to the UN, the world's richest 1% own 40% of all the world's wealth
• Next year if you want to sit in the first 9 rows of the New Yankee Stadium, it's going to cost you 500-2,500 a game. Oh and the only way you can get those seats, is if you agree to buy season tickets for the next 4 years or longer. So you'll have to shell out some where around 810,000 dollars.
• You know those same seats at Yankee stadium in 1996 (when they were good) were $25 dollars a game?

Anyone flying Continental this holiday season?


Have Fun, huh

A Solder's Heart is Stronger than Stone

Don't Ever question the bravery of soldiers again

I have never seen that kind of courage anywhere....he deserves the highest award.

He deserves another medal!

Hasselhoff to Rock the Las Vegas Bowl

BYU's All-American wide receiver Austin Collie's dreams have come true. He gets to play in the Vegas Bowl .... again, and he gets to hear his favorite international preforming artist live! That's right, football fans and Europeans will both have their eyes focused on David Hasselhoff as he sings the national anthem before BYU and Arizona go at it. The man from Knight Rider, Baywatch, America's Got Talent, and that infamous Internet video, will be singing just for you Max. What I can't believe is how the Las Vegas Bowl got first picks on anthem singers? Now the Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, and the BCS National Championship Game will have to play second fiddle, because the "Hoff" only has time to sing the National Anthem just once. He has to head back to Germany, the land where he reigns king, as soon as Bronco's applause goes silent. If you watch TRL like all the crazy kids in your neighborhood, you already know the Hoff's latest hit. Jump In My Car. Now that is entertainment. But that comes in a distant second to David's greatest video of all time. You know which one, the one where he's drunk, topless and eating food off the floor. The best part about that video is that you can see it reenacted by puppets here.

So on December 20th, Max Hall and Austin Collie might think they are the biggest names to showcase their talents at the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl, but they have another thing coming. And that thing is superstar David "the Hoff" Hasselhoff. Step aside mortal men, you're about to have your minds blown by the vocal talents from a man that was made famous by talking to his car.

Strange Morning

I ate breakfast with my soccer team this morning at IHOP. Great time was had by all. The game started at 8, so the best idea was for all of us to drink mimosas on the bench during the game. So long story short, we dominated the other team like a million to 2 or something. I'm making this quick because i have to go buy a new phone today. (It won't stop vibrating, that's what she said) So we all get to IHOP and a member of the team is sitting outside and not with the team. He's a good guy, so I'm thinking he needs some fresh air. I find out that he was outside because he didn't want to be in the dining area because there was a lady making balloon animals. He's scared of balloons. Scared of balloons to the point that he can't even be in the same room as them. I will have much more on this later. I think this has peaked my imagination. Next blog will be about unusual phobias.

Random College Story Part 2

So where we left off, our female lead flung herself out the second story window of my house and proceeded to run away. Well just when I thought that things were over and calm, and i could finally get back to what was important. Playing beer pong. We soon saw flashing lights outside, and the feeling that this can't be good came over us. Why you ask? Well for several reasons.

1. 2 Underage kids passed out throwing up pretty much the world
2. Our roommates little "crops" growing in our attic
3. A drunk woman was accusing my roommate of beating her

So we really had no need to worry with the cops and an ambulance outside. So me and Brian go outside to talk things out. Why us? Because I'm a brocat that loves to talk and he's my muscle. now the EMT's were cool. Together we shined the light from their ambulance onto the siding of our house. One of them said, "See you can see right were her feet were kicking before she dropped." The cop wasn't as cool. He for some reason said he wanted to look through our house to make sure that she wasn't in there and we were keeping her against her will. (Like we would do such a thing) So on that note, Brian sprints into the house to hide all 7 of our plants. Leaving me standing there with my thumb up my ass and a look on my face that resembled that of Paris Hilton's when asked about global warming. "I bet he's just going to clean up a bit for you." So we walk through the house, as the cop steps over trash in one of the worst houses in the state. Side note: I was once laying in bed, my cot in the dining room, and pushed on the wall and my entire arm went straight through to the family room.) All of these are pluses for us actually. Because he didn't want to be in that place any longer than a hot minute. He went in the family room looked in a circle and said, "Good enough for me."

COOPER'S VOICE

Boxers or Briefs? Paper or Plastic? Mary Kate or Ashley? All of these are tough questions but here is the most difficult question of all time: THE BEATLES OR THE ROLLING STONES? Tough question because the Beatles pretty much started the rock and roll revolution, however, the stones may have perfected it.

One thing about the Beatles: They started out wearing suits and sang harmless songs like “she loves me yea yea” and girls were their primary fan base. They were essentially the original boy band. However, they gained credibility throughout the years. That’s like the Backstreet Boys somehow morphing into Led Zeppelin. That’s incredibly hard to do.
ADVANTAGE BEATLES

ROCK AND ROLL LIFESTYLE: I will have to give it to the stones. Keith Richards has done enough coke to kill entire nations of people, yet somehow still goes strong. Granted he looks like a morph between a bulimic chick and my left nut (wrinkles) but still he is ALIVE and that alone is amazing. The Beatles did drugs too, but they all stopped years ago and 50 percent of the band is still dead.
ADVANTAGE STONES

Lead singers: Jagger vs Lennon. (I realize that the Beatles kind of had numerous lead singers but I think we all think of Lennon as the front man) This is relatively easy. Lennon had Yoko Ono who pretty much destroyed the band and was a weird looking chick. Mick Jagger had super-model Jerry Hall and was still hooking up with all kinds of girls on the side. Jerry Hall just put up with it because “he was a rock star”. Awesome. Now there is the rumor that Jagger and slept with David Bowie. Now, no one knows if that is true, but if it were a proven fact, Jagger would fall in the dude ranks fast. But him and Richards did have their fair share of ladies.
ADVANTAGE STONES

GUITAR PLAYERS: Richards vs Harrison. George Harrison got really into the Hindu religion and stopped partying. Before that he was just 18 when the Beatles were huge. He was banned from several towns throughout Europe because he and Paul kept setting their hotel rooms on fire. So he did start out cool. Richards still gets wasted and falls out of coconut trees in Fiji and he is in his 70’s. Also, last time I checked Johnny Depp based Captain Jack Sparrow on Keith Richards, not George Harrison. Pirates are awesome and if George Harrison couldn’t be a pirate I don’t like him. Finally, “Beast of Burden” has a much manlier guitar riff than “Here comes the sun”. ADVANTAGE STONES.
CHAMPION=STONES

STAND UP AND GET DOWN

At my work I would have to say that everyone knows a lot about TV and the movies, considering we all work in television. So with decent taste in all of that, most of my friends at work have similar taste in stand up as well. So I figured I would ask a few of them who their all-time favorites are. Little did they know that their selections would result in how I feel towards them as friends. Let's see where they all stand.

Ernie -

1. Richard Pryor
2. Steven Wright
3. Jim Gaffigan
4. Jerry Seinfeld
5. Mitch Hedberg

comment: I would call his style old school. He digs the classics as you can see. But how do you have the classics without George Carlin? I deduct 7 friend points.

Ron -

1. George Carlin
2. Lewis Black
3. Bill Cosby
4. Bob Saget
5. Dave Attell

comment: Wow! With this list we sure can tell Ron loves comedians that know how to bitch about life. Kind of fits Ron's personality to a "T". I deduct 11 friend points.

Gary -

1. Mitch Hedberg
2. Brian Regan
3. Chris Rock
4. Dave Attell
5. Nick Swardson

comment: I really like the wide variety he has going here. I enjoy everyone on this list, and praise him for keeping the streak of one black man on each list going. Got to keep up the quota. zero friend points lost.

Adam -

1. Richard Pryor
2. Jim Carry
3. Dave Chappelle
4. Lewis Black
5. Eddie Murphy

comment: The streak is broken! AW comes in and throws us 3 African-Americans on his list. You have to dig that. But I'm also seeing a little DC bias, while he has Chappelle and Black, both natives on his list. 2 friend points lost.

Frank -

1. Chris Rock
2. Sam Kinison
3. Andrew Dice Clay
4. Jim Gaffigan
5. Jeff Foxworthy

comment: Now this is a list. Frank is trapped in the 80's it seems and i dig that about him. And just like that we're back. Only one black man is back on the list. But for the insanity of this list, 14 friend points gained.

Matt -

1. George Carlin
2. Dave Chappelle
3. Eddie Murphy
4. Steve Martin
5. Eddie Izzard

comment: I'm just happy that Steve Martin made some one's list. Overall a very solid list. 1 friend point gained.


I'm surprised to see the the kings of comedy were not on anyone's list? Why is that? And the other thing I'm so thankful for is the Dane "Fucking" Cook and Carlos Mensia were no where to be found. Because that was the case I didn't lose any friends today.

COOPER'S VOICE

I was watching HBO the other day and was going back and forth between "Gladiator" and "Braveheart." I then started to ask myself this question: Who was cooler?

EXPERIENCE/FIGHTING SKILLS: This goes to Maximus. As far as I know William Wallace only fought in two, maybe three major battles. Maximus was the major general in the Roman Army. It takes time to climb the ranks like that. So I am assuming he was in more major battles than William Wallace. According to Braveheart, most of the fights were small skirmishes. Its like comparing the Invasion of Normandy to the time I hit my college roommate in the balls and ran into the bathroom stall and locked myself in there for safety. Just not the same.

ADVANTAGE MAXIMUS

ORATORY SKILLS- Gladiator could never top the "take our lives but never take our freedom" speech from Braveheart. That speech was right up there with King Henry's "St Crispin Day" speech, the "win one for the gipper speech", Bluto’s speech in "Animal House," and any speech that Jay Wright has ever given to my Villanova wildcats before the second half.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

CHICKS: This has to go to Braveheart. Maximus' wife may have been a prize piece back in the day but he could never move on to something fresh. Sure, William Wallace was a little whipped and pretty much fought and started a war because the English killed his wife, but the same could be for Russell Crowe in Gladiator. At least William Wallace gave the ultimate F-you to the king of England by tagging his son's wife. Maximus didn't even have the stones to make a move on the sister of the emperor, even when she tried to KISS him. William Wallace fired one home and knocked up the princess of England. Style points.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

ARMOR/Overall Fashion Sense: This is close but I go with William Wallace. They both kinda wear queer skirts, but I am a fan of plaid so I think kilts are cooler than the mini-toga skirts that gladiators wore. William Wallace also wore face paint and he made it look intimidating. Replace blue with green paint and that guy would be tough enough for the 700 level of Veteran’s Stadium.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

WEAPONS- Braveheart had that huge kickass sword. Maximus only had that little thing. From what the ladies tell me, size matters.

ADVANTAGE BRAVEHEART

I thought this would be closer, but it looks like Braveheart runs away with it.

Random College Story # 2 Part 1

I spent the better part of a decade enrolled at THE Ohio State University, and throughout those many endless nights and football Saturdays I've encountered quite the fair share of co-eds being co-eds. So with that in mind every now and then I'm going to post a story or incident that occurred during my tenure for my own recollection and your amusement.

Year: Second Sophomore year
Cast: Me, Roommates - Steve, Brian, Steve's little brother (still in high school), His buddy, Steve's girlfriend (more than a shade off at the time)

We lived on the south side of campus. Not the safest part of town. I believe two to three cars were stolen right out of our driveway while we were living there. I remember having to kick bums off our front porch coach on some what of a regular basis. Yeah that kind of area. So it's any old Friday night and we are at the house playing beer pong on my sweet ass beer pong table that I made with sweat and man strength. Now my roommate Steve and I are on a role, and when you are rolling you don't mess with that. Because everyone knows that you can get cold in beer pong in a matter of seconds. Steve my partner is no where to be found. All I can see in my family room, Steve's little brother passed out on the couch we found in the ally, puking into a trash can; Waiting to play, my hairy Jewish former roommate in the corner with a guitar and a gallon jug of red wine and my current Jew roommate trying to talk like a large sexy black man on the phone to chicks trying to get them to come over and "spin his dreidel" as he would call it. No Steve in sight, but I do hear some arguing upstairs. It's Steve and His hole fighting about God knows what. I wanting to play the next game and have had a few too many Jack and Cokes while playing, decide to yell up to them. "Hey Steve, tell that Bitch to shut the fuck up and come down here and play pong." That apparently is not a very good sentence to say to a girl that is out of her fucking mind. She tells me to fuck off, and screams that Steve is beating her. Which by the way is so not true. I go upstairs to get him to come down. This is when I get punched in the face by her. (class broad) While we are upstairs there's a knock at the door. My other roommate Brian goes to answer it. This night is already ridiculous, so why wouldn't an Asian man dressed like a cowboy be standing at the door looking for my roommate's girlfriend? Apparently she called this Asian John Wayne to come and pick her up. Well Brian being the younger brother of one of a small time drug dealer, Said "You ain't coming in this house unless you know some one who lives here." The Asian proceeds to push his way past my roommate to the bottom of the stairs. he sees us at the top of the stairs and pulls out his knife. And says no lie, "this is getting used tonight." Brain hears that and just takes this idiot out. Tackles him down the stairs, and drags him outside. When this happens, the girl runs into Steve's room and slams the door. Now I'm sitting at the top of the steps alone, with Brain outside with the Asian Cowboy, and Steve trying to knock down his bedroom door. And you know what, i still want to play beer pong.

Next thing I know is Steve is sprinting by me down the steps. I;m thinking she is chasing him with some sort of object. But she never comes around the corner. So I get up and walk into Steve's room. I push the door open slowly and on guard. (I've already been slugged once by this chick) I don't see here in the room. All I see is the window open, and the curtains blowing ever so calmly in the wind. "No Fucking Way!" I run to the window and look down. All I see is a broken screen laying on the front lawn and no crazy girl. Then I hear a voice from across the street. "Dude she hung there for a second kicking your siding, then fell. Laid there a second. Then ran away. It was awesome." (That was some stoner dude sitting on his roof across the street.) In my head I'm thinking this can't get any better can it?


Stay Tuned for Part 2 Later This Week

Ernie's Video Library

My buddy Ern is a big laugh attack. he loves to chuckle and no homo has the cutest face when he does it. So here are a few clips that Ern can't get enough of .... 3, .... 2, .... 1 start watching

dogs humping and puking. click here

Monkey doesn't like the smell of his butt. click here

Brokeback Mountain starring Marty Mcfly. click here

Now this takes awhile but it's worth the wait. Bible video games. enough said. click here

And Ern himself. Click here.

COOPER'S VOICE

I am a Notre Dame fan and root hard for Brady Quinn. I respect his athletic ability as well as his overall ability to scoop up chicks AT WILL. A friend of mine just asked me who will be Brady Quinn’s first celebrity girlfriend now that he is the starter for the Cleveland Browns and this got me thinking: Does Brady Quinn nail a celeb chick just for the sake of hotness or does he nail a celeb chick for straight–up Darwinism?



Brady Quinn could get in the pants of pretty much any young chick in Hollywood. His movie star looks, awesome athletic prowess and Notre Dame-educated mind make him irresistible to any woman that walks this earth who is not attracted to Ellen Degeneres (and even there I believe that he can convert some of them back to our team). He has no doubt been TEARING through the Cleveland bar scene since the draft and could show up to bars just wearing a tube sock and leave with 2 chicks on each arm in under 5 minutes. He's been slinging webs all over the women of the mistake by the lake. However, I think that this may actually work AGAINST him as far as getting it on with actresses/models. Things have been to easy for him and he can always find a HOTTER chick, so I think at this point he will just look for a better GENETIC match. AJ Hawk of the packers has been sticking it to Brady Quinn’s sister for years and they will undoubtedly give birth to an amazingly athletic child. Brady is not one to be beaten and surely sees this as a competition. He will have to find a woman that is an attractive Olympic high jumper or somebody like that to breed a super athlete that can challenge AJ Hawks offspring. I recommend Maria Sharapova or Jennie Finch. These girls are amazing athletes and have hotness to compliment their skills. Jennie Finch may be the better candidate because she obviously has arm strength because she is a pitcher. If you add that to the firepower that is Brady Quinn’s right arm you are looking at the most powerful arm in the history of man. She might be married to a MLB pitcher, but he is sub par at best on the field and in the sack. Once Jennie looks into the brilliant eyes of Quinn, her panties will instantly dissolve right off her body. Because that's what Brady does, he's a panty killer. That kid will be handed the Heisman as soon as he leaves the womb.

Being a baggage operator at an airport is the only job you can be just "ok" at and it's perfectly fine. People get upset when they don't get their bags, but they really don't and can't do anything about it. "Your bags aren't here, we are sorry for your inconvenience." And people just have to be ok with that. I mean what really can you do? Where did the bag go? And you know that every person you talk to has no clue who actually moved your bag from point A to B. So you really are fucked. You can't go to a bank and ask for your money in your account and they say; "We don't know where it is, but we'll get it back to you when we find it."

In the wake of UFC 91 ... some thoughts

Why do boxers or UFC fighters always hug after one of them wins? You see one guy get the shit kicked out of them and the ref stops the fight so they don't die. Then what do you see? The guy hugs the man that just beat the crap out of him. How does that work? If some dude just beat my ass, and i lost out on a lot of money from it at the same time, i wouldn't hug the dude. Once the ref said the fight was over, i would turn right around and deck the guy in the face. Why don't we ever see that?

Cooper's Voice

If you've read this blog the last few weeks, you've realized that the Robin to my Batman, the Herpes to my cold sore, the Affleck to my Damon, Coop has had quite the little man crush on a certain left fielder for the now World Champion Philadelphia Phillies, Pat Burrell. Burrell is a free agent and the question is if he'll be in Phillies pinstripes next season. Here are 5 reasons Coop thinks the Babe should stay in the cradle of freedom ......

A lot of people think that the Phillie's can survive without our left fielder Pat the Bat next year. As long as Pat has been here, left field has been a place where fly balls and virgins go to disappear. Here is why the Phils NEED Pat Burrell

1.) RECORDS/PHILLIES LORE- Pat Burrell is a legend in Phillies baseball history. He is fourth on the all time Phillies home run hits list. All he does is break records and hymens. That’s all he knows. Furthermore, he is even nicknamed “the babe”. Pat is part of our legacy and getting rid of him is the Philadelphia equivalent of the Sox getting rid of Babe Ruth. You trade Pat, get ready to be cursed.

2.) ECONOMICS- Pat Burrell is a well respected boozehound in the Philadelphia area. He drinks bud heavies in old city practically every night of the week. Lets assume that beers are 4 dollars a piece (most beers are in this pricey part of town, especially at the “Irish pub” where pat frequents) and lets also assume he tips at least 20 percent. Pat also has been known to enjoy shots of Patron. Lets estimate that Pat Burrell probably purchases 20 beers a night (19 for him and one bottle for a lady only so he can use the beer bottle on her later as a sexual device). Lets also be casual and say that he only does 5 shots of Patron at 8.50 a pop. Lets be even MORE conservative and assume he only does this for three quarters of year and takes 1/4^th of the nights off in a year (ridiculous concept that he takes OFF nights but I am just talking numbers here). By my math, that takes away 37,914.38 cents away from old city bars. As previously mentioned, pat’s favorite bar is the Irish pub (one of the most popular bars in the area) and lets assume that 75 percent of his total bar spending occur there. That means the Irish Pub will lose 28,435.78 cents of its total earnings and would surely go under as a business. If this bar goes down, then surrounding bars will go down due to less spillover attendance. As a result of fewer bars, the entire restaurant/ service industry will suffer in Philadelphia and the city will find itself in economic ruin. Those are numbers. Mathematics are the one universal constant. Pat needs to stay for thousands to have jobs. Don’t be selfish Phillies organization. If these people don’t have jobs, no one will buy tickets to the games.

3.) SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES- Three quarters of the women in Philly will not be sexually satisfied if Pat leaves. Sure he is married now, but we all know that the only ring that matters to him is his world series ring that he won this year. With thousands of women not able to satisfied by Pat Burrell, they will logically turn to lesbianism because they will not be able to even look at another man and compare him to “The Bat”. As a result, women will stop breeding with men and the human race will be extinct in Philadelphia within the next ten years. Pat needs to stay for our VERY SURVIVAL.

4.) THE CONTINUATION OF AMERICA’S PASTIME- It’s a well known fact that the ladies that work as the sexy ballgirls at citizen’s bank ballpark are infatuated with Pat Burrell. They all have a crush on him and want to get down in the worst way. If Pat is gone, then the ball girls will quit. Not a big deal you say? WRONG! Without ball girls all the players will be forced to chase after their own foul balls, therefore making the game take HOURS LONGER. America is already concerned with the length of the game. Once all the other owners realize that they can save money by not using ball girls, they will all follow the Phillies example. No one will be able to sit around for an 8 hour game of baseball and no one will buy tickets to the games. The game itself will be destroyed. Pat needs to stay for baseball to survive as America’s game. Fact!

5.) LOCKER ROOM LEADERSHIP- Pat Burrell is the alpha male of the Phillies squad, as well as the unquestioned leader. All the guys look up to him because of his ability to party and get chicks. He is also the guy who gets all the other players out to the bar to blow off steam. If he doesn’t get those guys to the bar with him a couple nights out of the week, the entire team will become giant balls of stress and will have no mental stability. Also, they will not get as much tail because they can’t nail Pat Burrell’s Phillies Phallout P*ssy. With all that testosterone built up in their systems they will not be able to focus even more. They will become angry and will start to beat their wives. They will then be placed in jail and we will have no team. This squad can only function with ONE Brett Myers, not an entire squad of Ike Turners. Pat needs to stay for this team to win/stay out of jail.

RESIGN PAT THE BAT OR DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.

PHILLIES ARE WORLD CHAMPS

Being born and raised in the city of brotherly love, I have to say today is better than the day after i lost my V card. I was only a few months old when the Sixers won, so you understand how I'm bouncing off the walls about a team that has given me so much heart ache throughout the years. Oh I also flew home from Denver to be at all three home games. I mean 2 and 2/3 home games. My flight brought me back to the mile high city early Tuesday morning. Leaving yours truly sitting in limbo and bone crushing misery. To catch you up to speed here's a few things to check out.

the 9th inning from section 142 ... video

need a new starting pitcher and 2nd baseman in about 20 years? click here

If you envy Cole Hamels enough already, he goes and wins the World Series MVP ... he has this

These girls hold the Phillies balls during every home stand

Also check out some other hot things to come out of philly

Some great brotherly love expressed here

My personal favorite for endless coverage ... go to the 700 level.

DID HE OR DIDN'T HE?

Did Magic Johnson really have AIDS? I mean honestly, the man seems fine to me. Oh I've started off with an incorrect term. He "claimed" to have HIV, so lets start over. Did Magic Johnson really have HIV? He walks around like nothing has changed in his life. First he retires because no one in the NBA wanted him bleeding all over them. Players, Referees, Ball Boys, Cheerleaders, fans within the first 6 rows of the court. And that's understandable, I wouldn't want Magic Johnson's AIDS, I mean, HIV blood all over me. Or would I? If you think about it, it really just isn't any old HIV blood now is it? It's Magic Johnson's HIV blood. That might be worth something, huh? Or maybe it wouldn't matter because Magic Johnson HIV blood is a rare form that isn't very potent or is cured by penicillin or chicken noodle soup. Maybe he did have HIV, and cured it with Magic. I mean his name is Magic Johnson. Doesn't that make him a Magician? David Blaine could cure himself of AIDS, but I'm not too sure about David Copperfield or Chris Angel. So, a few years later, Magic comes back to the league, and the worry of flying HIV blood is no longer an issue. Did the world go mad? That shit is still in there man. Or maybe everyone in the stands had already thought what just starting to realize now. There's no threat from Magic Johnson's HIV blood, everyone had Cambell's soup at home.

THE TOY

If you have some time at this moment read along. If you don’t then wait for another day where you aren’t so caught up in your selfish life of work and masturbation on a couch while watching Internet porn or Cinamax After Dark, to culture yourself in some knowledge the good Lord has blessed this young man with. Ok now that we have weeded out those individuals that use Myspace as a constant search engine for that “special” some one. I was thinking today while I was walking to my car, don’t ask me why, about the movie, The Toy. A mildly successful comedy from 1982 (one year before I emerged from my mother’s vaginal canal) staring Richard Pryor and Jackie Gleason. The premises is that Gleason, a wealthy man, Hires Richard Pryor to play and entertain his spoiled child because no tangible gift has ever satisfied the brat. Now you know the movie think about this: A rich man “purchases” a black man, to entertain his only son. Yes you read that correctly, he “purchases” a black man to work as an entertainer for his little boy. Everyday, he has to show up at their mansion, and do whatever the kid wants all day every day. Something about this reminds of something I read about in say, 7th grade history class. Something that rhymes with “bravery” I believe, but I’m not sure. So I started to picture the writer pitching this movie to Columbia Pictures, the film company that produced the film. “So I got this movie. A rich man can’t please his son, and has more money than he knows what to do with. So to please his son, he, get this, buys him a real life size black man to play with!” How did this movie ever get made? How did anyone think this was a good fucking idea? “Oh yeah, you know I think you got something here my man. I think we should also maybe have him like up on some sort of stage before he is bought too.” Watching this movie I did think to myself, “ self I think the only thing that would ever REALLY be a good old time would be to have my own personal black man that would do whatever I wanted, or my daddy would hurt him and his family.” So in closing I feel that America isn’t the democratic republic that it claims to be if every white Christian boy doesn’t have their very own personal black man to play with daily. I mean what kind of society denies their youth the learning experience of bossing around a minority for a few hours a day. Wait actually Pryor was forced to sleep there every night, away from his wife and family, so yeah this movie was pretty much “bravery” wasn’t it?

A BROCATS GUIDE TO RAILING CHICKS

Coop is the type of cat that was born without a soul, without a moral compass. the type of guy that will tell a girl to meet him at a bar downtown and have no intention of ever showing up. And in turn leaving her at a bar alone with no ride home (true story by the way). So for all you guys that are taking the same train to hell with my boy, here's a guide to get some cheap ass from the best friend of a girl you have previously tagged. Coop, take it away......

I have thought long and hard about this. Women secretly hate each other, so it's easy to break this fake bond they pretend to have with one another and exploit them for your own personal benefit. My advice can be laid out in a 3 step plan

1.) SEPARATE THEM AT THE BEGINNING: Take each one out and work the “you are special” angle. Tell each one some intimate secret about yourself. This will create the illusion of trust and, therefore, she will less willing to use information AGAINST you. If she thinks others will think less of you (including her friend) she will keep a lot of your personal conversations just that: PERSONAL. Remember this: The spreading of information is your enemy!
2.) COMBINE THEM IN A SOCIAL SETTING: Make sure that they are both out at a bar. Here you can flirt with both of them equally. (NOTE: Do this when they are still somewhat sober) However, don’t be too over the top. Send out small comments like “I would be crazy not to think you are good looking” or “you and me always have a good time. Plus, your hot so it makes me look cool to be with you.” Such quotes are self-effacing and, therefore, create the false-appearance that you are vulnerable and sweet, when in reality you are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Make sure that the other girl SEES you flirt, but does not HEAR you flirt. This will trigger her primal woman instinct and will make her POSSESSIVE. At this point the work has been done. The women, evening if only subconsciously, will hate each other and you are the golden boy. However, do not make any advances on either subject at this time. THIS IS CRUCIAL
3.) “ACCIDENTAL RUN-IN WITH THE HOTTER GIRL”- This is where you can “storm the beaches of Normandy”, so to speak. Find out from an outside source where she is one time without talking to her. Text messages are a bad idea in this instance because they can document your improper advances. Have a friend figure it out indirectly and show up WITH your boys. This will show that you have no evil motive. You are just out with your buddies. At this point, you have already broken down what I call “Berlin wall of v#g” and resistance will be minimal. She is already comfortable with you and somewhere back in her mind she is angry at her friend. Now you can resort to your normal tactic of getting her smashed and taking her home while intoxicated. RED BULL VODKAS ALWAYS AROUSE THE SPIRIT

NOTE: THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED TACTIC WILL ALLOW YOU TO GET ONE, TWO, MAYBE THREE (MAX) ROMPS BEFORE YOU ARE FOUND OUT. AT THAT POINT YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION. YOU’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO

PB HOUR OF POWER

As much as I loath Coop being correct on virtually anything, i have to give it to him. Pat Burrell came through last night in the biggest game to ever be played at CBP. His homer in the 6th gave the Phils the lead and eventually the victory. Now Burrell needs to get some sleep on tonight's red eye to LA, so when he arrives at LAX he is refreshed to hit the town and slay some vag. He needs to find Mia Hamm (Nomar Garciaparra's Wife) meat wallet, and take a one way ticket to poon village. By the way, with the Babe's help the Phillies can play .500 baseball the rest of the way and they would go to the World Series. To get some great stuff on game one check out the 700 level.

The Phillies and Dodgers begin their NLCS series tonight at Citizen Bank Park in South Philly. Now I'm bias being from the city of brotherly love, and growing up a die-hard Phighten fan all my life. Yes we have had our fair share of losses throughout the years, 10,000 plus but who's counting. My buddy Coop still lives and breathes the Phils, and here are a few things the boys in pinstripes need to follow to find their way into the World Series .....





Coops keys to the game OFF THE FIELD.

1.) Pat Burrell needs to sleep with all the wives of ALL the dodgers players by game 4. Being how Pat the Bat is a native to California, I don’t see this being a problem. He obviously understands the psyche of the California housewife and can achieve pound town status within seconds of the first conversation. This should not be an issue.
2.) Myers must try not to beat up his wife OFF THE FIELD so that he can stay ON the field. She travels with him to all the road games, so this could be difficult if she starts to nag. Personally I would like to keep her at home when they get to LA. Its just too tempting for Brett when he sleeps next to his own personal punching bag. In fact, I think he even called her “my own personal punching bag” in their wedding vows.
3.) Moyer needs to take Viagra and needs to take down Joe Torre’s wife. I think he is the only player that is in her age bracket and Moyer hasn’t had an erection since Woodstock. Nonetheless, with that little blue pill I see this happening easily.
4.) J Roll- Needs to keep his mouth shut so that we don’t get another “front running incident” or else I will personally burn all of his Tupac du-rags.

If we can do this, series should be a cake walk

Your Face Isn't Always On Your Head

I was taking a number two at work the other day (if you work in an office building you already know that you must avoid taking to the stalls in-between 1:00 and 3:30, that's the death zone) So I was in the death zone the other day, couldn't help it. As I'm going, I hear the most horrifying sounds coming from the stall directly next to me. I mean sounds that would make wild animals cringe. Take the most wrong fart jokes from television and film and multiply that by say, 34. Now if you're the person doing this crime to a toilet, you can take solace that as long as you stay in the stall until everyone is out of the bathroom, you can make a clean get-a-way and no one knows a thing. But not when at a place of business that makes you wear an ID badge. When I heard the sounds of a 1,000 screams coming from just beyond a thin piece of material, I did what any normal person would do. I looked down. Right there sitting nicely on top of his shoe was his name Scott Johnson and his smiling 40-something face. Do you see the problem here? Now every time I see Scott Johnson in the building I have a sound to go with that face. And not only a sound, but a mental image that has kept me up some nights. I can never shake this man's hand, or look him in the eye. No good professional relationship can ever come of us now, with a friendship far out of the question. So a tip for all you kids out there; when taking a crap in the corporate world, put that little badge in your pocket before you drop trow.

College story of the day

I spent the better part of a decade enrolled at THE Ohio State University, and throughout those many endless nights and football Saturdays I've encountered quite the fair share of co-eds being co-eds. So with that in mind every now and then I'm going to post a story or incident that occurred during my tenure for my own recollection and your amusement.

Year: Week 2, Freshman year
Cast: Me
Dano (my roommate, and one of, wait no, the hairiest man in North American)
Creepy Kyle (Asian fellow that loves church as well as moshing at your local death metal show)

Dano is sleeping in his bottom bunk as i sleep on the top bunk. We are taking a nap and watching News Radio re-runs (very underrated show by the way) It's a dorm so i guess we didn't close our door all the way, most likely because our neighbor uses my computer to look up porn so HIS doesn't get a virus. Well I awake to Creepy Kyle standing right up against the side of my metal bunk, staring at me. Now he's a good 7 or 8 inches from my face, just staring. With the most calm, I'm not doing anything fucking insane at all, look in his face. I proceed to say, and why wouldn't I, "What are you doing Kyle?" And he says with the tone and poise of Hannibal Lector, "Just watching you sleep buddy." Just watching you sleep buddy? Buddy? Who the hell is this guy? After he said it, he just walks out. Oh and whistling, i forgot that. When he's gone, I look down below me to Dano, and start to say, "Did you..." and he chimes right in to say, "Yeah i fucking saw that. i thought the next line out of his mouth was, "I'm going to kill your family with an axe..... buddy."