DJ AM's "New" Show, Gone Too Far

Well I was home surfing On-Demand, bored out of my mind. I don't know what I was doing in the MTV section, I think I was looking for music. Wait that couldn't have been write. Anyway I came across Gone Too Far. The show is the brainchild of the late DJ AM. Formerly Adam Goldstein, and not just formerly because he's dead, he was formerly Adam Goldstein before he died. He changed his name to DJ AM because he wanted to say "Yo, dowg, and "that's tight". And with a name like Adam Goldstein that just isn't possible. Now the show features AM going to drug addicts' homes and trying to get them to change. We are lead to believe that AM is a former drug addict. This little ruse is not as cunning as you would think. AM overdosed and died while filming the show. Does anyone think that is as funny as I do? I mean here's a guy that is trying to teach kids on drugs to not be on drugs, while they're on drugs and he's still on drugs. What is going through his head other than new beats to use at his club, when he is spitting his lies (AM lingo) Here is the best part. This is from MTV's website.

DJ AM knew all too well about the daily struggle of drug addiction. The late celebrity spinner (born Adam Goldstein), who died from an overdose in August at age 36, spent his last few months filming an MTV series called "Gone Too Far," in which he spoke candidly about his own addiction, his 11 years of sobriety and his desire to help other young addicts overcome their demons.

I believe a few things are off here. He spoke of his 11 years of sobriety? Ah, really? Because I think he was as sober as Layne Staley. Watching the videos of these kids getting high was probably like watching Sesame Street for Predators. I have another idea. Instead of making these kids go to rehab, and then looking awesome as you come for a visit. How about go with them. Check yourself in with the kids, that would be an even better show. Wait it was a show. It was called Celebrity Rehab. God tried to get rid of this show before it started with that plane crash, but now these kids are fucked. You're telling me that these drug addicts are going to stay clean, after hearing their beloved PM, sorry, AM is gone?

I think not. So overall, if you're looking for a laugh, or a boost in your self-esteem, watch Gone Too Far.

zombieland, MWP reviews

So I caught Zombieland, and here's more than just my review of the film, but the review of my evening altogether:

7:10 - show up at the theatre with a Regal gift card I found at the bottom of a drawer at my house. It has $5.50 on it. The tickets have now been bumped down to 16.50 for me and my wife. Did we just get a deal or what!! (With luck this good I might get a hand job with my jacket on my lap during the movie just like in 8th grade)

7:15 - We find out that the movie is playing on a jumbo screen. We walk into a theatre that resembles the Coliseum. There's about 17 people scattered about the theatre. This is nice for two reasons. I'm going to get to sit dead middle, right where I like to be. And the chances of a HJ have just been increased.

7:30 - Previews start, usually my favorite part of going to the talkie's. This time it isn't, as for all the trailers they are all horror films that will most definitely suck. And another thing, why are they still called trailers? The haven't been shown at the end of movies, hence their original name trailer, since like the 50's. They are previews, lets just all call them what they are. The previews all sucked, the trailers didn't suck, it was the previews that wasted my time.

Oh, some one has now sat next to me. Not right next to me, but a one seat barrier. I know most people think that is protocol, but not when a 2,000 person room has 17 people in it. Find another section, you are too close to me.

7:50 - The 7:30 movie starts. The first scenes have me, and that's not easy. I'm no slut when it comes to my opinion of movies early on. From the first 5 minutes I can tell that this movie has originality, something that doesn't really happen in Hollywood these days. This must have nothing to do with some one named Michael Bay.

8:20 - The movie has now entered a series of events that have changed my life, literally. I won't give anything away, because it's just too wonderful and you need to experience it yourself. I have now learned that if you want to make a movie, there are now no rules. When some one tells you that, "you can't do that". You tell them to watch Zombieland, because, "yes you can."

9:10 - The movie is over. Two things quickly run through my mind.
1. I loved every second of that movie, and it had no point what so ever. No plot, no nothing, and it was wonderful.

2. That movie was 80 minutes long. Why can't all movies be 80 minutes long? Why are there 2 hour specials of FUCKING Gray's Anatomy every week? This movie was gold, and finished under 90 minutes. Learn something everyone.

Overall you need to see this movie. Not because it's a movie that makes you think. That will move you to serious thought about world issues. Bring you to tears, or show you amazing special effects. Because it doesn't do a single one of those, it's just fucking entertaining.

And that's why we go to the movies isn't it?

toby keith: songwriter/artist of the decade. wait what?

http://music.rightcelebrity.com/?p=2954

Country music star Toby Keith’s songwriting skills over the last 10 years are being recognized as the Nashville Songwriters Association International voted the star as Songwriter/Artist of the Decade.

The award will be presented to Keith on October 18 during an Awards Dinner at the Renaissance Hotel in Nashville.

Tank’s Take: Wow... Country music really has no one that has talent... At least not in the years 2000-2010

Related Story:

I literally had a run in with a guy in Helena, MT when Toby Keith's name came up.

I might as well called this guy's sister a whore...

because he spewed out some of the most vile language I have ever heard.

"Toby Keith is the biggest piece of shit. No talent horse fucker."

At this point in my life I didn’t even really know who Keith was...

So I did some research. I understand that most Toby Keith's songs could have been found in a Wal-Mart Brand edition of “Red, White and Blue MadLibs...”

But I still don't know why that guy blew up at the mention of Keith's name.

Un-Related Story:

Did you know I once punched a kid in the nuts just because someone dared me to do it?

I was only 6 at the time, so you can't pull my man card...

Back to the topic:

It's true Toby Keith has some basic patriotic lyric machine in his basement...

Let's take a look -

Actual Keith lyrics from "American Soldier"...

You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,

Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,

Wolf? I thought the sign of the apocalypse is an Iphone that learns to think for itself and downloads the "kill humans" app.

And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,

I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice,

You've counted up the cost? So you mean to tell me a person who is a genius at math... just elects to "join" the army?

Oh wait, it’s a metaphor? Fuck your metaphors!

Oh, and I don't want to die for you,

But if dyin's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with an honor...

I guess we don't have to twist your arm too much... "I won't do it...no way... unless you say please that is."

Now I took these lyrics out of context, sure...

And I do like me some "As good as I once was"

(It's battling neck and neck with "A Spoonful of Sugar" as my karaoke song)

But c'mon Songwriter/Artist of the decade? Not when one of your song titles is "Jesus gets jealous of Santa Claus."

Next you'll tell me a black dude can sing country too...

Oops!

things that make you go, hmmmmm

Does anyone find it ironic (and yes I have seen George Carlin’s bit on “Irony” and know what it means) that Michael J. Fox was in a series of movies about time travel? And that if the world was a perfect place he could just keep traveling back in time to before he started to shake. He could live day after day prior to his shake filled nights. Or he could travel to the future, when we have a cure for Parkinson’s, get all fixed up, go back to present time and live out his life being able to play Wii successfully.

You know the part at the end of the first movie, when Doc comes with the time machine and says that Marty and Jennifer have to go back to the future with him because of, “their kids”. I always picture Doc coming up to Marty running and saying, “We got to go back to the future! You start shaking all the time! No one will let you hold their babies, or take pictures of anything. (Were those low blows to one of the nicest people in Hollywood?) The crappy thing is that he’ll find out that he doesn’t get any taller in the future either. I wonder which one he’s more pissed about? Being short forever, or having Parkinson’s and not being able to play freeze tag with his kids.

I wonder.

God do I wonder.

"G" should go back to Gatorade

I must have missed something. Why on earth would Gatorade change their name to just "G"? They pretty much had the market for sport drinks didn't they? I mean how many times do you say, "I could really go for a Gatorade right now." When your companies name becomes the brand, I would say that it would be wise to not change your name. That would be like kleenex changing it's name to "K". It just doesn't make a lick of sense. Do the people at the top of the "G" company have any idea how easy it is to confuse the American public? People love the fact that their world doesn't change. They love that Friends is going to be on at 6:00 every night, that a Big Mac is called a Big Mac, and not a "BM", they love that every Nickleback song sounds the same. So long story short, President Bush had a better idea when he invested our social security in the stock market.

The other thing that I don't get is the names of their flavors. When Gatorade, what the fuck am I thinking, "G", came out I knew what the fucking flavors were because I looked at the label and the color of the liquid inside. I know what fruit punch, lemon-line, grape and orange taste like because I'm older than 6. But no matter what age you are, you have no idea what these flavors taste like:

• Cool Blue




• Red Drive




• Frost




• Cool Fusion




• Quiet Storm




• True Force

What the fuck is that? Have you ever tasted True Force? Oh God it's so good. I mean I can't get enough. Or Quiet Storm, tastes a lot like actually a quiet storm. A loud storm, that tastes like shit.

And I'm not drinking this shit if it leaks out of my body in the color that it went into me. Not cool, Gatorade is sticky too.

Your Sunday Night Rundown of HBO

HBO, a great organization. The cream of the crop if you will. They've tackled everything from movies, to documentaries, to sports, and their biggest success would have to be their series'.

Until now.

Last night I sat down to watch my HBO shows, just like I do every Sunday with my wife. But last night I thought to myself about half way through True Blood. Self, these are not the shows you used to watch on HBO. These are more like shows put out by Tyler Perry.

True Blood: The show is in just its second season, and it's already starting to resemble Entourage in its 6th season. And that is not a compliment. The writing has always been just ok, but the acting is getting to resemble the cult indie hit Fool's Gold. Marie Ann is needs to go away. I used to hate this plot line of Marie Ann controlling everyone and she would do this by shaking. (special effects via Planet 9). But now it's the only story line and the whole show. Everyone loves HBO because you see boobs in their shows and the word FUCK. But I don't want to see 55 year old women's bologna tits, and bald men's fat stomachs.

PS - Fuck this show: thank God we have next weekend off.

Entourage: I've defended this show longer than any man should. I've stood by and told everyone that the show was still ok. The same way a dude says, "na man, she's still got it where it counts, I'd still hit that shit." When talking about Pam Anderson or Carmen Electra. You know a show has jumped the shark when the best character on it is a gay Secretary.

PS: If a chick like Sloan ever wanted to date a pale mother fucker like "E", real cool name Eric. The world would turn inside out and spit us all out into the final frontier.

There is hope people. East Bound and Down IS signed on for a second season.

AM is When People are Supposed to Wake Up

DJ AM is dead. I know. I know. Morn my children. Take a moment, dry your eyes, and realize that one of the greatest DJs is gone. (Is that a sentence that you never thought you would read?) This is really a post that I should have written in 2008. AM was in a plane crash with another person made famous by MTV, Travis Barker. They were the only survivors. But death had a plan. This is full proof that the documentary series Final Destination, is true and all to real. You can escape death, yes. But death is letting the record skip, letting the record skip, letting the record skip, letting the record skip, letting the record skip. Travis Barker better watch his back. I'm thinking a drum stick through the ear is what death has planned for him.

good night sweet prince.

You will be missed, for we don't really know what you ever did to be famous, but we miss you.

Best Thing to Hit the Web Since Free Porn

How are some people just so damn talented?

golf makes me fall asleep

isn't it awesome how watching golf puts you to sleep? A great way to spend an afternoon on the couch is to watch golf and doze off. The TV guys telling us what's going on have the best voices. I bet when they read their kids a bedtime story, they are out like a rock by the end of page one.

John Hughes Made My Life What it is

Most posts on here are about ripping people who suck. Trying to show the dozen of people who read this blog the people that don't deserve anything they are handed, and my wishes for them to ripped limp from limp from a stage ape. But this post is different. This post is about some one that changed a generation forever. John Hughes.

John Candy in my mind is one of the top comedians of all time. Thank God Hughes wrote for Candy. Can you image Uncle Buck with out Candy? Think about Planes, Trains, and Automobiles without John being the one selling shower curtain rings.

The man has penned the lines from the movies we quote on a daily basis. And for some reason I find that to be the coolest thing on the planet. When my buddies and I run off lines from a movie, I often think about what it would be like to be the one who wrote those words.

"I wouldn't let you sleep in my room, if you were growing on my ass."

"You want a beer? It's 9 o'clock in the morning. huh, scotch?"

"Falls down a well, eyes go crossed. Gets kicked by a mule, they go straight again. I don't know."

"Ever heard of a ritual killing?"

"Chet is gonna shit a solid gold brick when he sees us."

"Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago."

"20 bucks says that Cameron is sitting in his car debating weather or not to come over."

That's just naming a few. I wouldn't say John Hughes was the voice behind my generation, because he didn't say a single line or phrase we repeat and live by everyday. I would say that he was the man who told every story we experienced. The man that showed the world every moment of life that you wanted to forget. But showed it in a light that made everyone laugh at the most difficult moments of a persons life.

"Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain... and an athlete ...and a basket case ...a princess ...and a criminal... Does that answer your question?... Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club. "

new yorker with down syndrome gets 97.5 million

most of you have heard about the amazing story of the retard who lead the New York Football Giants to a Super Bowl victory two years ago. About his talented older brother Payton, who has been wildly successful on the football field and Saturday Night Live. Well apparently the people of New York have gotten together and raised 97.5 million dollars for this special man. I'm just so happy for this little guy, and the Giants for their participation in the make a wish foundation. It really is great to see a team go out there and sacrifice their next 6 seasons, just to make this little tard's dreams come true.

I don't think he should be drinking. But I guess he has to live it up. I hear their life span isn't the longest. (It's so cute how this girl is showing him some attention. People that work with the challenged really are special)

russell crowe is back on my badass list

I

I wonder if Crowe and Eddie Vedder are related?

People hate Russell Crowe. It's a law in some countries to do so. But what has two thumbs and thinks he wants to party with Russell Crowe? This guy. (boy that was worse written then in my head) According to news from WENN, Crowe has been banned from his favorite pub in England because he refused to leave once closing time came around. The article aslo states that this is the first pub in England that Crowe has been banned from.

I'm on board with Russell on this one. How can you get mad at a dude that just wants to party? I know I can't. Remember when you're in a mood to knock a few more back then usual? That time when they are going down just a little too easy, and everything is clicking just right. The worst thing that can happen is some one saying closing time. People are always saying Crowe is a trouble maker and that he's hard to work with. Maybe that's because people keep pulling the booze from his had. I know I would be pissed if something like that happened to me. Crowe would be a great drinking buddy, there is no argument about that. He's got good size if you get in a fight, and he doesn't shave so he looks like an average brocat. I also thought that people in England loved to party and have a few "pints". This story is so "not" the England I have pictured in my head. My England is full of Sienna Miller look-a-likes that drink Harp and not cosmo's. Everyone goes nuts over the local football team, and walks to the pub with every intention the will not be walking, but stumbling home around 4. My England has people well into their 70's doing this at least 4 nights a week. Fights happen where people are punched in the face, and then it gets broken up and everyone laughs as they have another pint. Russell feels this way, I know it.

Russell Crowe isn't the problem, you are England. And now I'm upset.

let me get a few things off my mind

I haven't posted anything in a long time and that's for a couple of reasons. One being I got married, and went to Hawai'i and tried to never come back. Some how a job and the ability to not be able to afford my drinking problem on an island that makes everything extremely expensive, brought us back. So since my life has now been changed forever, a few things have really been upsetting. And here is what I'm doing about it.

• THE ESPY AWARDS

I watched this little award show on my DVR last night. About 3 to 4 seconds into the show I realized there isn't much worse television I could put myself through. I take that back. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, television or anyway you can spend time. ESPN continues to over due anything that involves sports on any program they have on their air. It's hard to read their magazine without getting a seizure. Another thing, athletes are not funny, so try not to make them what they aren't. (other than James Loney, who apparently was wasted and fell and ripped a models dress off, exposing her boobs.)

• Samuel L. Jackson = run in the opposite direction

Sam Jackson really was the worst part of the ESPY'S. I don't know how else to put it, other than it was just sad. There was a skit about Jackson being a sports anchor. My fast forward couldn't move fast enough. It wasn't funny. It wasn't entertaining. It wasn't good TV. It was, for that matter, a waste of my fucking time. All he did was annoy the shit out of me. Is it really the only thing he has is to say MOTHER FUCKER? Because if that's the case, he has been around far, far too long. I mean he's just a walking stereotype with a catchphrase. That sure is something to be proud of, huh?

• Bloggers Ripping on Entourage For Reasons I Can't Think of ....

This is something I've see around for a while now. Bloggers keep ripping Entourage and writing about how awful it is every Monday. Why? Granted the show has fallen off since the first couple of seasons, and last season was pretty bad. But there are far worse shows on TV than Entourage. I personally don't mind seeing good things happen to people. Seeing a fake famous person live the life that none of us get to. I don't want to watch shows like Law and Order, showing how shitting the world is during every show. I know they are ugly dudes, that are fucking hot chicks. But that really is the real world. Ugly dudes that have money or are affiliated with famous people get tail. It's life, deal with it. You can't deny that Ari and Loyd are entertaining as shit and the guest stars are still worth it. The blog http://www.wwtdd.com/, had a post today talking about how Seth Rogan hates the show and how much they love him for it. I have a few things to say about that. The world SHOULD be tired of Seth Rogan. That voice is like a drunk Kermit the frog. I think his humor has run its course. "I'm fat, I love pot, and I laugh like all the time." Oh I get it, cool man. You're doing that character again.

Cooper's Voice

So I was watching the TERMINATOR: SALVATION trailer the other day and I started to think about the plot of this and the other terminator movies. John Connor from the future sends back some dude named Kyle Reese to become his own father. But let’s also think about this: would you send ANYONE back in time to tag your mom? Even if it was your father? I think that my parents doing “the nasty” is gross and I would do whatever it takes to prevent it. Even if that means erasing my own existence. It’s a small price to pay if it means erasing the disgusting mental image of my parents having sex from my brain. At some point this Kyle Reese guy had to say to John Connor, “hey man, your mom’s kinda hot. I’ll totally go back in time and plow her. MILF, MILF, MILF!” I would punch that guy in the face and never send him to the 80’s where they can do it with some weird synthesizer music playing in the background. Just a thought. Maybe I am reading too deep into this. Just stay away from MY mom, ok?

look at D. J. Tanner now

D. J. Tanner sure has been brought up right be Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey and Danny. She must have taken the D.J. has an eating disorder to heart.

If only they would have concentrated on Stephanie a little more though. She was addicted to meth while married to a LAPD cop.

I believe she may have gotten a boob job. I'm not sure though


Maybe she got tired of everyone talking about the "Olson" twins, and got a set of her own.

She looks like a pregnant rhino

a few things bothering me right now

You ever have a day, or a few days for that matter, where things just kind of get to you? Well I'm in one of those streaks, and here's what I'm doing about it.

• Michael Bay fucking sucks. Some one had to say it, because everyone is thinking it. I used to put up with him because what's the fucking point about getting worked up over someone that Hollywood knows has no talent or artistic integrity. Until now. After every trailer for Transformers 2, it says, "A Michael Bay film". Are you kidding me? Is this shit stain worthy of the, "A blank blank film" on his trailers? We know Spike Lee doesn't, oh he uses "Joint" though. A director worthy of something like that is the man that's the EP on Transformers .... Steven Spielberg. But he's not worrying about making people know he's connected to a film. He just sits back and counts the diamonds on his cock ring. Is cockring one word or two? I never get that right.
  

• Krendra from The Girls Next Door got her own reality show. Yeah she is great to look at. That's why these girls are featured in magazines. So you don't have to hear them talk, you just stare at their chest for as long as it takes to you crap out a dump. She has THE most annoying laugh I have ever heard in my life outside of Anthony Edwards in Revenge of the Nerds. And she would be the most annoying person with their own reality show if it wasn't for that other hatchet wound Bridget, who was also on The Girls Next Door, and now has a show on the travel channel. This hole is just as annoying and clueless. Just don't talk, only open your mouth to do what God intended for women like you to do.

• I watched 5 minutes of Jon and Kate plus 8 last night. Thank God my girlfriend was there or I was minutes from taking a toaster bath to ease the pain. I changed the channel to 548 to watch a woman's softball game. And what's the deal with the dad? Is he Asian or is he ... God that dick looks like he's from another planet. My bet no ethnicity would claim his lame ass, unless they were having trouble reproducing.
  

Prinze is back, ladies and gentlemen

What a Dreamboat.
He's so complicated.
Think he's wondering what happened to his career?

Dry your eyes movie goers, because the world's largest superstar is making a comeback. Everyone's favorite douche bag, Freddie Prinze Jr., is back to show us all that he still pays his due to the actors guild. The star, should I even say star? Will be appearing on the hit TV show 24 next season. Prinze has taken a little 5 year break from acting, and is now back on the prowl. And when I say break, I mean he couldn't find a job. Wait I shouldn't be so harsh, he did do some work with the WWE behind the scenes. I heard he was Vince McMahon's driver.

Honestly I would have thought during that "break" he would have taken the easy way out the same way his father did. If only we could be so lucky.


MWP Top 5 Freddie Prinze Movies:

1. Scooby-doo
2. I still Know What You Did Last Summer
3. I Know What You Did Last Summer
4. She's All That
   
5. Head of Heels

How does he NOT have an Oscar? the fucking academy always plays favorites

you wear this shirt you get chicks

This shirt hands down rules. the moon rules, wolves rule and black t-shirts absolutely rule, just ask the D&D guy that lives with his parents. To show you how bad ass this shirt is, go to the link below and read the comments at the bottom.

so worth it: Wolf shirt to get chicks

Brett Favre Reminds Me of Herpes

Why won't Brett Favre go away? Every time you think he's gone, he pops right back up again to annoy the shit out of you. A lot like Herpes. Does no one have the heart to tell him that he's going gray and should just stick to doing Wrangler Jeans commercials. No one wants a QB that can't out run an electric wheelchair. By the way, I found this and it rules.

He's trying to come back for revenge they say against the Packers. I would want revenge on a franchise that treated me like a god even though I hold the all time record for interceptions. They drafted Aaron Rodgers, what did you want them to do with him? Let him sit on the bench and wait for you to play way past your prime? The Packers did what any team does when players get old and start to suck, they try to get rid of them. It is kind of strange that the Packers want their team to be as good as possible and don't want old men on their team. They are so different then other NFL teams in that right.

Bad Movie Monday

Today you can find me at Denvertvguy.com for BMM, also known as bad movie monday. We will be blogging live as we watch the smash hits Yeti and Small Town Conspiracy. So join in the fun and follow the great tales of movies that never made it.


Denvertvguy.com (go to it, you know you want to)

Think about today

Because it's Holocaust Remembrance Day.

How do we not get this day off?

Do Jews, ah .... celebrate this day?

So many questions about this holiday.

The Lock - Red Stripe

Red Stripe - A Thought

Once in awhile you'll meet a guy who fancies himself a connoisseur of beer. Good for that guy. Lord knows there is more to life than 6-month old, lukewarm Natty Light that's not even worth the can housing it. The problem I have is not with the guy who enjoys a nice Rogue or Bell's rather than a Bud Light. My problem is with the guy who refers to himself as a beer aficionado based on his admiration for Red Stripe. Do you know this guy? Beware. I am sure he lurks about your inner circle, educating everyone on the superior taste of Jamaica's worst export.

For those of you who have had the displeasure of tasting this awful beer, I apologize on behalf of all of humanity. For those of you who haven't, let me offer a comparison to its taste. It is the functional equivalent of squeezing the saliva out of a Jerry Tarkanian gameday towel and mixing it with a yeast infection cooked by a stripper who's been on the pole for three days straight. Red Stripe isn't a beer, it's a disease. It is a terrorist threat to this country everytime it is allowed in our borders. "Red Stripe! It's AIDS in a bottle! Hooray, AIDS in a bottle!"

Why I Hate Greg Paulus

Greg Paulus is awful. I mean really awful. I hate Duke. He played there and was nothing better than 2nd team all conference. He did nothing to help Duke during his time there. I really consider him a poor man's Steve Wojciechowski. Short, can't score, white, and annoys the shit out of everyone. Now He's heading to Michigan to play football. Is Michigan this bad? Yeah I know he played high school football and was awesome. Two things. That was high school. James Vanderbeek was a great high school QB in Varsity Blues. 2) Funny face Paulus is only 6'1". Not too tall for a Big Ten QB. Average height of a lineman in college football is 6'6". It's a good thing that we won't ever see Paulus. Michigan is well on their way to another fantastic season I must say.

Well my hatred for Michigan is so strong that maybe this is a good move for the Wolverines and Paulus. I just wish Ryan Reynolds was still on the buckeyes, he would choke the shit out of Paulus.

Picture of the Day

Remember Problem Child? Didn't that movie rule? The answer is yes. A child going around hurting as many people as he can physically and emotionally is hilarious. Plus his voice was the coolest slash scariest thing ever. So here he is, Micheal Oliver (then and now)

Farrah Fawcett Just Got a Whole Lot Sexier

We all know her as our favorite angel. Most of the 30 somethings that live with their parents call her the first girl they ever, "you know what", to. I think she still has it and she is doing something to stay freakishly thin I must say. Then I find out that she has cancer. Then I think to myself, ok that's not really a cool way to stay thin Farrah. Celebrities are so sick that they will contract Cancer to stay thin during an age where we are obsessed with our chicks looking like the sluts of Auschwitz. So now I'm thinking she isn't cool at all and is not thaaaat hot. (but kind of lying to myself thinking that I'll tap that, Cancer isn't an STD. And if it were, who cares. Fucking Farrah Fawcett would get you so many free drinks.)

Then I find out this news: Farrah Fawcett has anal cancer. Now I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that's kind of hot. Did she get that from too much butt sexing? If so, I'm a full 3 inches right now. On the other hand, maybe anal cancer isn't sexy. I mean some cancers aren't sexy at all. But if she has anal tumors, then those are like pleasure bumps right?

I'll see everyone in Hell, I know.

Cooper's Help During a Difficult Time

Cooper’s tips to free drinks

1.) Fat chicks (I know this is an obvious one).- You can usually find a crowd of them and dazzle them with two or so jokes and then the phrase “lets all do a shot!” Done. Make sure its something sugary like a soco and lime. They cant resist that. But get the hell out after that. Their hips may get bigger and you will be trapped by a wall of cellulite and personal-shame.

2.) Find an acquaintance at the bar.- You know, not a close friend of yours but someone that you have hung out with like twice. Find out what this person is drinking and order off his tab. Order TWO and point at this person (make sure the bartender sees you point to him and get “approval” to use his tab). Then give him one of the drinks. He will think you got him a drink and will have already lost the drink count in his head. This can keep going all night but it is IMPERATIVE that you get this person really drunk.

3.) I have only resorted to this in really dire financial times (a lot in college). Go to a place with 2 dollar beer specials. Walk in with around 4 singles. Order a beer near a spot at the bar that already has dollar tips on the ground. Put a dollar on top of that pile and take two dollars for every dollar you put down. They’’ think you are just taking back some of the “over-tip” you gave them. You can keep drinking all night.

4.) Find girls who are 6’s or 7’s. DO NOT pay attention to their hot friends. They will gladly buy you a drink if you pull my “hey, can I buy you a drink…….oops wait one second I’ll go grab cash out of the ATM..ahhh, that’s a long line though.” They won’t want to (A)-stop the attention that they are getting or (B) seem as though they care about money. 6’s and 7’s just wanna help out

The Lock

I've come up with a name for my buddy that's guest writing for me. We at MWP are calling him Shallow HAL

Obesity - A Thought

You know how sometimes (frequently, for others) you clock in at the bar and get a good bender going? I'm talking about those days when you sit down and really get to work. You're not busy fraternizing or even leaving your stool for that matter. You know how sometimes you get that barmaid that decides she is going to play hero and tell you "you've had enough?" Then all of a sudden the party's over, you end up passed out at about 7:00pm because you were enjoying yourself too much.


Shouldn't we apply the same rule to the obese? I mean, if we are going to let bartenders cut you off after "you've had enough," shouldn't the waitress be able to cut off Mr. two-appetizers-main-course-and-a-small-animal-to-go? The guy comes in and orders a meal. After ravenously consuming it, he orders a second meal. When he reaches the dessert menu, I think the waitress is well within her rights to tell him "you've had enough." Seems logical, to me at least.

BLOG ROLL!!!!! Sounds like Shitty Shushi

Here are a few things I found today that are awesome, just like me.

• Busted Coverage found actual proof that my Alma Mater is amazing. Yes Ohio State may lose national championship games, but I once almost convinced my friends to kill a homeless man with me at a house party in Columbus (pictured below). Or did we? I can't remember now that I think about it.

• More proof that the Big Ten Rules, thanks to Gunaxin.
  

• I just bought a Wii, and now I'm starting to think about things. I thought video games just made dudes jerk off a lot, and never really move out of their parent's basements. But now WithLeather shows that they're lives might be at risk.

• I'm so buying one of these when my family dies. I mean who wouldn't want to see the progression of your family's bodies as they decay? Could get you into the town science fair.

You can go to www.seemerot.com, it was blocked at my work, which makes me think it rules.

Top 3 Graves I wish included Coffin Cams:

1. Kurt Cobain
2. Princess Diana
3. the Big Bopper
   

"Hospice - A Thought"

We are going to have a guest writing with us today. A very special man that I have great respect for. There's a man .... well, there's a man .... I lost my train of thought now.

THE LOCK

Hospice, quite literally, is a place you go to die. It is likely the only place in your life that you will walk into and never walk back out. Except for a rare few, hospice is nothing more than a morgue for the living.

But it is those precious few about whom I write today. I write about the guy who's family sends him off to Green Valley Hospice "because they're a family who cares." Then, unbenownst to the doctors and family, the ol' bastard makes it. He survives hospice! Without even so much as a pat on the buns, he walks by the doctors of death and out into the world of the living again. He sends a telegram to his family from a sleepy little resort in Florida. It merely says, " I survived hospice. Fuck you!"

So here's to that man. One of the chosen few who survived hospice. I'd like to get him a t-shirt that proudly states on the back, "I survived hospice. Fuck you!"

Hey, The Office. You're Worse Than Going To Work.

I know many of you out there caught the new Office episode last night. So, many of you want that 30 minutes back don't you? I was just waiting for Steve Carell to jump over a shark in the parking lot, as he continued to crawl on the ground throughout the episode. Is that funny? Is it supposed to be funny because he's wearing a suit? Because it's not. Micheal buying a woman's suit was funny. Last night, not funny. That's how bad it's gotten. Last night made Evan Almighty look like the Shawshank Redemption. I mean it was painful to watch. At least Carell's joke of fooling everyone that he's actually funny is over. Rainn Wilson better get out of that show before it reaches the likes of CSI Miami.

PS. Ricky Gervais is looking like the funniest man in the world this morning.

Remember When the Farrrelly Brothers Were Funny?

We'll I don't really ever remember when "they" were funny, but they did make Something About Mary. Well they are making a Three Stooges movie, yeah I know, and Film Drunk has the Cast.





Well, this movie is going to ahhh, well it has to top the last Farrelly brothers movie right? That was Walter the Farting Dog, staring the Jonas Brothers.

Too many brothers. The only brothers that should ever work together are the Coen brothers, and that's even a stretch after I saw the Ladykillers

Bruce Willis, is there anything he can't do?

Apparently when Bruce Willis, a Dude of Dudes, used to do Seagrams Wine Cooler commercials. Now just any actor could have pulled this off. But no one could have done it with the style and flair of Willis.



No wait, it gets better ....



Two things. 1) How the fuck is this shit wet and dry? That doesn't make any sense. But you know what, if Bruce tells me so, it has to be true. 2) I bet Bruce totally de-railed that chick afterward.

oh, and it still gets better ...



the best thing is this came out less than a year before Die Hard. So I'm starting to wonder how the kid from the Dell spots isn't blowing shit up, and throwing people off buildings on big screens all across the US.

With Bruce absolutely dominating those Seagrams commercials, it made me remember my all-time favorite celeb commercial. And my man is from Philly.

Jennifer Love Huge-Tits Dating the Dude From Scream?

Everyone knows Jennifer Love Huge-tits, ah I mean Hewitt. She loves to get engaged, then have it be called off, and then start dating some one with in a week. That new dude quickly becomes the love of her life and is like some one that she has never met before. Anyone who has dated Carson Daily, Wilmer Valderrama, and Joey Lawrence has some explaining to do. Those three tools have all gotten the "Love". Now John Mayer has been a resident in Hewitt's vag-town, but he dumped her and tagged Minka Kelly. (Very nice move)

Now she is dating Jamie Kennedy, the guy from the Scream movies. What are the chances they end up getting married? You would have a better chance of her not resembling a horse while on all fours. No wonder she is the star of a show called The Horse Whisperer. Oh and the picture above is not the JLH that Kennedy is getting. take a look at the ass that he's tapping.
Now that's an ass.

Britney Spear's Concerts Might be Tolerable Now

At Brit's latest show in Tampa she dropped some news on everyone. That news would be that her PUSSY was hanging out. Yes, it, out. I want to know about the hanging part. Do Va-Jay's hang? I thought dicks hung, and cunts accepted the hang. If both hang, then where will we be?



Well, I'm so back on board with this broad. I just hope if I buy a ticket to one of her shows, she, "Oops does that again."

Who the Fuck is Tyler Perry?

Maybe I don't know because I'm white. Maybe I don't know because .... well that's all I really all I could come up with. I've heard the name, Tyler Perry. Don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a police lineup. In all seriousness, If some one came up to me and said I'm going to shove a tea cup filled to the brim with AIDS blood up your ass if you can't tell me 1 Tyler Perry movie, you could just call me Freddie Mercury. I have just two questions. A) Is this guy a Wayans brother? B) Is his show on the WB?

So I did some research and found out that he comes out with a new movie about every 4 months. He shoots his shit like a day time soap or a porno. Apparently he just dresses up in fat costumes and that's pretty much the jest of it.



I love all comedy expect Dane Cook, trust me. But I don't get what makes a black comedian. To make it as a black comedian it takes to two things.



1) dress up in some sort of fat suit and play a variety of characters in one movie or TV show. Eddie Murphy did it in Nutty Professor which was funny. You know what wasn't funny? The next 4 Nutty Professors, 27 Tyler Perry movies, and 11 Big Mamma movies.

2) make fun of white people and talk about how dorky they are and how we talk funny. That midget Kat Williams, my fucking God! First cursing is cool, that's why your parents don't want you to do it. But that ugly shit curses because he don't know what to say.

Now I don't want you to think I'm getting racial on you. Because I'm talking about a group of so called comedians, where that is their whole act. Bros like Dave Chappelle, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby and Chris Rock to name a few, are absolutely amazing. They talk about everyone under the sun and that's some funny shit. And it's the same on the other side of things. Larry the Cable Guy is a goon, with no sense of the word humor.

Easy as pie

Food for Thought. What does that Mean?

• Everyone who loved Conan when Andy Richter was his sidekick will be smiling today (WWTDD)

• I don't know if making one of the best television series of all time into a movie is a good idea. But don't argue that you won't go see Arrested Development on the big screen. Apparently everyone has signed on.

• I know everyone is watching the combine day and night. But if you're not, Rich Eisen ran the 40.

Megan Fox Dumps David Silver at West Beverly Prom

Well this news won't shock anyone who has seen Megan Fox. And really won't shock anyone who has seen Brian Austin Green. You don't know who that is? Really? Maybe the name David Silver suits him better. Don't get me wrong, I catch David Silver and the rest of the 90201 gang on Soupnet every morning. (One of the best intro songs of all time by the way). Well some how Green has been dating Fox since 2004 and they were even engaged. You knew the 22 year old beauty would wake up realize that she was sleeping next to a 35 year old dude that used to grace the cover of Teen Beat and Play Girl.


Now all you losers can jerk off to at least a single girl that you have no chance with.